Lucidia
November 5th, 2005, 02:14 AM
but honestly I feel completely alone at this point...
I don't know how many people remember me. It doesn't matter now anyway.
I used to have a rather thriving social life. Up until a few years ago, my health was in pretty good order. My father had a stable career. My mom was mostly stable on her meds for emotional problems. I had some issues, but I was starting off on a nice road on a good career myself, and other than some personal problems things were okay.
One by one, things have fallen apart. I fell away from MW for many reasons, but a lot of them were simply because I had lost my path. I used to be a very spiritual person, and suddenly I was thrust into a very athiestic POV that killed all of my previous spiritual practices and beliefs. I still tried to keep an open mind, but things just didn't seem to want to click. I was told by some people, that perhaps I "outgrew" my spirtual beliefs and it was time to move on. I don't know. I haven't felt right since...
Since then, I have struggled with depression that gets worse and worse every day. My health declined, and I am dependent on my health insurance to get by, as I am on several medications, and I will likely need to be on yet another one soon. I recently had surgery to remove endometriosis, and found out that most of my pain was instead being caused by interstitial cystistis, which is a chronic disease with very few effective treatments (many people find those treatments to be effective, but a few of them are extremely difficult to deal with, and often they only work for a few years before losing effectiveness). It's been two weeks since my surgery, and as of this past monday, my job fired me. This came with no warning, and they lied to me about why I was fired. Apparently, and sadly legally, my boss fired me because he didn't like my personality. I only found this out because one of my ex-cooworkers called me to warn me to "keep my big mouth shut" on my next job so that this doesn't happen "again". I would have thought, that if something i was saying or doing, or how I was acting, was such a problem that someone would have warned me, but no. They gave me two weeks pay (which hopefully I will get next week), and made a big fuss about it, and basically sent me on my way, saying "oh you'll find something better, blah blah blah".
My dad lost his job about two months ago. I was planning on moving out soon, and now everything has kinda backfired, with my surgery pushing me into a bit of debt since i've been paying for my health insurance through cobra for over a year, and since the insurance i was going to switch to at my last job wasn't going to cover it properly, so I stayed on it as long as I could, and since he's still without work, I can't ask him for help, and I don't feel right just leaving him to handle things alone anyway. But now I don't have a job either. His unemployment will barely cover the rent, and mine will barely cover bills, and leave me unable to pay off much of my health insurance debt, and completely unable to save.
I know that I might be able to find a job really soon, but I am afraid to compromising on my salary. I know what I am capable of, and what I should be getting, but I also know that my industry (I work in childrenswear, graphic artist/jr. designer), many companies pay far below market rate, and sadly, it's either take that low paying job, or stay jobless.
also, many companies require compulsory overtime, where you may end up working up to 14 or 15+ hours per day. This is common, and I have heard many people tell me how they had to leave jobs because it was like slavery.
Now comes the most complicated part. These companies are mostly (and i mean, at least 90%) owned by Syrian families, who all know each other, and have an "unwritten" agreement (I have been told this directly by an owner of a company i once worked for during my interview, but I was already aware from what I was told by cooworkers)not to hire from each other's companies. This basically seems pretty illegal, but there is very little anyone can do to prove it. If you were late one or two times, or forgot to sign out for lunch, or checked your personal email... many companies will use this as the reason for firing you, and there is nothing you can do or say about it. If I get a job at another syrian company, I will basically be trapped. This is why I am scared about just taking ANY job. I had a few people tell me, Oh, just find something now and find something else later.... But i've done this twice already in the past 2 1/2 years, and both times I spent months paranoid and terrified that someone would find out and fire me.
I'm sorry if this is turning into a huge long rant.. but my situation is very complicated.. and to make it worse... the fashion industry is very specific, and it's doubtful i can move to a different area (such as juniors, or mens/womens, etc), since those companies only want people who have experience directly in that area, regardless of what you are capable of. I have tried signing up with some agencies, but so far I haven't heard anything back. I had one interview, and it went very badly, since most of my portfolio (as in, work i've done for other people) is licensed character artwork, and most companies aren't doing licensing anymore since it doesn't sell as well. I might still be able to send that person more samples of my work, but she basically said she had already hired someone else who could do both positions, so my skills weren't needed.
it's a big mess. if I dont' find steady work at a reasonable salary (I'm sorry, but working retail or really ANYTHING that pays less than 20 an hour is completely a waste of time right now. If i take a job like that, i will end up unable to have any free time to seek other employment, and eventually my debt will acrue to a point where I will end up in a serious mess. I will at least be getting unemployment, which isn't much, but being at home all the time means I don't have any other expenditures besides food, and well, i don't have much of an appetitite lately...), I am going to end up completely falling apart.
Making things worse, I really don't have any close friends left. I know this is totally my fault, since I basically shut myself off, feeling like no one understood or really cared, but now i'm terrified and alone, with the few people I care about and trust very far away right now, making communication nearly impossible at times. My dad is depressed, my mother is locked up in a mental institution, i have no other family in this area. Out of my closest four friends, one isn't speaking to me, one just moved away a few months ago, another just went back to europe for three months, and the other one is a single parent and rarely has time to hang out anymore. my boyfriend isn't back from australia for two more weeks, and I really don't want him to see me like this anyway, as we've been dating for less than a year and it's going to be stressful enough since we haven't seen each other in 5 months.
I don't have any energy left. I was in the middle of trying to find a therapist, but I'm probably going to have to find a cheaper health insurance plan soon, so I can't really find anyone until I know for sure that I will be able to see that person. I live in a really crappy area, and i can't just go to a clinic (going to a clinic was why I went so many years undiagnosed for other health issues I had... my area has really bad medical care for "poor" people, and if you have ANY income, they make you pay for that same lousy care anyway). I am afraid of ending up dependent of medications, and then being unable to afford them. I'm already stuck on one that costs 450 a month without my insurance, and that's just for my acid reflux (i've already tried a ton of other options... this med is the only thing that's helped).
I don't even want to write about this anymore. All I can ask.. is please.. if you have a tiny bit of positive energy you can throw at me... or if you are by some bizzare circumstances working in my industry in the NYC area, and you can give me a job lead... please.. anything.. I dunno... I am just really hopeless right now... and if I can't find a good job, even if it's just temp freelance... by next week... I am going to completely fall apart... as it is I can't even focus, and I have no motivation.. i actually slept almost all day...
thanks for reading my stupid rant.. i appreciate your time.. thanks...
I don't know how many people remember me. It doesn't matter now anyway.
I used to have a rather thriving social life. Up until a few years ago, my health was in pretty good order. My father had a stable career. My mom was mostly stable on her meds for emotional problems. I had some issues, but I was starting off on a nice road on a good career myself, and other than some personal problems things were okay.
One by one, things have fallen apart. I fell away from MW for many reasons, but a lot of them were simply because I had lost my path. I used to be a very spiritual person, and suddenly I was thrust into a very athiestic POV that killed all of my previous spiritual practices and beliefs. I still tried to keep an open mind, but things just didn't seem to want to click. I was told by some people, that perhaps I "outgrew" my spirtual beliefs and it was time to move on. I don't know. I haven't felt right since...
Since then, I have struggled with depression that gets worse and worse every day. My health declined, and I am dependent on my health insurance to get by, as I am on several medications, and I will likely need to be on yet another one soon. I recently had surgery to remove endometriosis, and found out that most of my pain was instead being caused by interstitial cystistis, which is a chronic disease with very few effective treatments (many people find those treatments to be effective, but a few of them are extremely difficult to deal with, and often they only work for a few years before losing effectiveness). It's been two weeks since my surgery, and as of this past monday, my job fired me. This came with no warning, and they lied to me about why I was fired. Apparently, and sadly legally, my boss fired me because he didn't like my personality. I only found this out because one of my ex-cooworkers called me to warn me to "keep my big mouth shut" on my next job so that this doesn't happen "again". I would have thought, that if something i was saying or doing, or how I was acting, was such a problem that someone would have warned me, but no. They gave me two weeks pay (which hopefully I will get next week), and made a big fuss about it, and basically sent me on my way, saying "oh you'll find something better, blah blah blah".
My dad lost his job about two months ago. I was planning on moving out soon, and now everything has kinda backfired, with my surgery pushing me into a bit of debt since i've been paying for my health insurance through cobra for over a year, and since the insurance i was going to switch to at my last job wasn't going to cover it properly, so I stayed on it as long as I could, and since he's still without work, I can't ask him for help, and I don't feel right just leaving him to handle things alone anyway. But now I don't have a job either. His unemployment will barely cover the rent, and mine will barely cover bills, and leave me unable to pay off much of my health insurance debt, and completely unable to save.
I know that I might be able to find a job really soon, but I am afraid to compromising on my salary. I know what I am capable of, and what I should be getting, but I also know that my industry (I work in childrenswear, graphic artist/jr. designer), many companies pay far below market rate, and sadly, it's either take that low paying job, or stay jobless.
also, many companies require compulsory overtime, where you may end up working up to 14 or 15+ hours per day. This is common, and I have heard many people tell me how they had to leave jobs because it was like slavery.
Now comes the most complicated part. These companies are mostly (and i mean, at least 90%) owned by Syrian families, who all know each other, and have an "unwritten" agreement (I have been told this directly by an owner of a company i once worked for during my interview, but I was already aware from what I was told by cooworkers)not to hire from each other's companies. This basically seems pretty illegal, but there is very little anyone can do to prove it. If you were late one or two times, or forgot to sign out for lunch, or checked your personal email... many companies will use this as the reason for firing you, and there is nothing you can do or say about it. If I get a job at another syrian company, I will basically be trapped. This is why I am scared about just taking ANY job. I had a few people tell me, Oh, just find something now and find something else later.... But i've done this twice already in the past 2 1/2 years, and both times I spent months paranoid and terrified that someone would find out and fire me.
I'm sorry if this is turning into a huge long rant.. but my situation is very complicated.. and to make it worse... the fashion industry is very specific, and it's doubtful i can move to a different area (such as juniors, or mens/womens, etc), since those companies only want people who have experience directly in that area, regardless of what you are capable of. I have tried signing up with some agencies, but so far I haven't heard anything back. I had one interview, and it went very badly, since most of my portfolio (as in, work i've done for other people) is licensed character artwork, and most companies aren't doing licensing anymore since it doesn't sell as well. I might still be able to send that person more samples of my work, but she basically said she had already hired someone else who could do both positions, so my skills weren't needed.
it's a big mess. if I dont' find steady work at a reasonable salary (I'm sorry, but working retail or really ANYTHING that pays less than 20 an hour is completely a waste of time right now. If i take a job like that, i will end up unable to have any free time to seek other employment, and eventually my debt will acrue to a point where I will end up in a serious mess. I will at least be getting unemployment, which isn't much, but being at home all the time means I don't have any other expenditures besides food, and well, i don't have much of an appetitite lately...), I am going to end up completely falling apart.
Making things worse, I really don't have any close friends left. I know this is totally my fault, since I basically shut myself off, feeling like no one understood or really cared, but now i'm terrified and alone, with the few people I care about and trust very far away right now, making communication nearly impossible at times. My dad is depressed, my mother is locked up in a mental institution, i have no other family in this area. Out of my closest four friends, one isn't speaking to me, one just moved away a few months ago, another just went back to europe for three months, and the other one is a single parent and rarely has time to hang out anymore. my boyfriend isn't back from australia for two more weeks, and I really don't want him to see me like this anyway, as we've been dating for less than a year and it's going to be stressful enough since we haven't seen each other in 5 months.
I don't have any energy left. I was in the middle of trying to find a therapist, but I'm probably going to have to find a cheaper health insurance plan soon, so I can't really find anyone until I know for sure that I will be able to see that person. I live in a really crappy area, and i can't just go to a clinic (going to a clinic was why I went so many years undiagnosed for other health issues I had... my area has really bad medical care for "poor" people, and if you have ANY income, they make you pay for that same lousy care anyway). I am afraid of ending up dependent of medications, and then being unable to afford them. I'm already stuck on one that costs 450 a month without my insurance, and that's just for my acid reflux (i've already tried a ton of other options... this med is the only thing that's helped).
I don't even want to write about this anymore. All I can ask.. is please.. if you have a tiny bit of positive energy you can throw at me... or if you are by some bizzare circumstances working in my industry in the NYC area, and you can give me a job lead... please.. anything.. I dunno... I am just really hopeless right now... and if I can't find a good job, even if it's just temp freelance... by next week... I am going to completely fall apart... as it is I can't even focus, and I have no motivation.. i actually slept almost all day...
thanks for reading my stupid rant.. i appreciate your time.. thanks...