Dealing with other peoples grief when you need to greave yourself.

[Bethra]

A few of you know already I just recently lost my mentor. She had become like my own Welsh mam so its been a rough trot for the last week. I've done ok though keeping myself away from those others she touched deeply because I knew it would be difficult to bare. On Monday I have to attend the funeral and I'm unsure how well I will cope with it. Obviously my shields are a bit wavery and unsteady at the moment and I'm already on the emotional rollercoaster with my own grief. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the out pouring from everyone else at the funeral.

I was just wondering if anyone else had any experiance of a similar situation who could at least advise me on what to expect if nothing else. All help much aprechiated. I know this rollercoaster is important for me to experiance and work through at the moment so I don't want to go into overload and switch off the feelings. Any help and guidance on how I deal with everyone elses grief while I'm greaving myself would be wonderfull.

[Semele]

I think you will suprise yourself at how easy it will be. In my work I often get very attached to my patients as you know. I have been fortunate enough to make some good friends, many that I also watched pass away.

I found it extremely difficult when Flar passed away because I had to detatch myself emotionally as much as possible in order to do the things that needed to be done. All my coworkers were looking at me to see how I reacted because he was such a good friend. My son carried the rings in his handfasting, something that made me proud of both he and Flar because Flar was accepting love in his life after he swore he would never do that to someone because of his illness. I am glad he changed his mind because He and Freyja both needed each other.

thing is I didn't really grieve when it happened nor at the funeral because I was still trying to put on such a brave front and be professional. I had to eventually do my own private grieving, which I still do from time to time.

Bethra, you will be the rock that everyone needs because she is with you helping you all the way. When you are done helping everyone else, then you will have time to sort through all the emotions that you shelf for now.

I love you girl.

[Bethra]

I think you will suprise yourself at how easy it will be. In my work I often get very attached to my patients as you know. I have been fortunate enough to make some good friends, many that I also watched pass away.

I found it extremely difficult when Flar passed away because I had to detatch myself emotionally as much as possible in order to do the things that needed to be done. All my coworkers were looking at me to see how I reacted because he was such a good friend. My son carried the rings in his handfasting, something that made me proud of both he and Flar because Flar was accepting love in his life after he swore he would never do that to someone because of his illness. I am glad he changed his mind because He and Freyja both needed each other.

thing is I didn't really grieve when it happened nor at the funeral because I was still trying to put on such a brave front and be professional. I had to eventually do my own private grieving, which I still do from time to time.

Bethra, you will be the rock that everyone needs because she is with you helping you all the way. When you are done helping everyone else, then you will have time to sort through all the emotions that you shelf for now.

I love you girl.

Thank you Sem honey I know you understand, does it sound terribly whinney of me to say that I'm so very tierd of always being the bloody rock? LOL But in all seriously thank you for your confidance in me. I know I can block it out and push it to one side and I know that is probably what will happen since its habit for me as much as anything. But the little selfish me is screaming that wasn't it some bugger elses turn to have to put themselves on hold for everyone else for a change.

Three years ago I watched mam put her own grief at her sons passing on hold so that everyone else could cling to her stable rock. I was never close to her son so I never needed the grief time for him but it hurt so much to watch her have to put herself on hold while everyone else grieved. I have spent from then till just before her death telling her its ok for her NOT to be OK with me. I don't know that she ever realy found opertunity to let go of her own grief fully since there was always someone else she had to look after. Is it so wrong for me to worry that will be me three years from now still suffering with my grief because I still can't let it out?

[Pesha]

When I lost my second husband, people kept telling me to be dignified and not show my grief at the funeral or any of the attending gatherings after. I held on so tight to my emotions that I got quite ill. When I let go it was like a flood. The dam burst and everything was just destroyed by all the back log of grief. So I would tell you to allow yourself to grieve. Don't hold it back. People will understand. And Bethy my darling sometimes we just can't be the strong ones. Let it go and flow out of you like a river. Once you have passed through this you will see it becomes amazingly peaceful.

Just like Sem, I have lost patients with whom I had become very close too. And some I had even helped to release the spirit. I would go into my medroom/office and just cry. I had to in order to come out and go back to running the unit I was in charge of. Then at home I'd do a grieving ritual and light candles and allow myself to finish the process.

You have my love and understanding dearest sister. May Mother wrap you in her arms and cradle yuo and help you through this time. :hugz:

[Tanemon]

You have my sympathy, Bethra.

My father died within the last year, and my mother about five years ago.

Of course you know you should just allow yourself to feel what you feel. And I don't know if I need to say this, but there is light in life for you after this.

Healing energy sent your way...


:sunny: Tanemon

[Hope]

I find that if I make sure and wear something that has a pocket, so I can tuck in a couple of stones that it has made a HUGE difference me in such situations.

That and taking the time to take a couple deep breaths, and just ground. Not worrying about a shield (not droppping it though LOL) Make sure to use a grounding cord, and keep rechecking it.

And also know that part of being a rock for others, includes taking time to be upset. So you are not letting anyone down, if you cry or break down, or need a moment alone. You are simply honoring YOU so you can still be the rock for them. good thoughts ((Hugs))

love
t

[Semele]

Is it so wrong for me to worry that will be me three years from now still suffering with my grief because I still can't let it out?

You are not selfish and you are the Rock because its who you are. You will be able to release in your own way and in your own time.

I wish we lived closer together because then you would have plenty of extra folks to force you to lean on them.

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz: hun
sometimes u r the rock
other times u need to just let go

and in our culture letting go at the funeral is way more acceptable than afterwards........ when we r expected to get over it and just get on with life imo

[Bethra]

Thanks for the wonderful suport everyone. I have been totaly overwelmed by the amount of suport I have got from everyone over this. The universe was looking after me for sure and sent me lots of people not connected to Mam to hold me up through this. I really have been very gifted. I just recently formed a local group of paganish types over here in my neck of the woods. It took us just three weeks to get it together and all the time I had this underlaying feeling that it was going to be very important. It wasn't till Monday I realised how and why it was important when I found out Mam was going to be passing iminantly. The group wraped around me and became an instant suport network I would never have had before. So I do have other rocks I can cling too.

I guess I'm just being overly causious since it all feels a bit like a a fresh wound at the moment or maybe a tooth extraction. It was hurting like the dickens for a while but they pulled the tooth and now I have this bloody great whole in my mouth that I'm scared to let my tongue touch just incase I set off the agoney again.

[Wytchie]

Oh Bethra honey :hugz:, I agree with what others have said, don't lose yourself in trying to be the rock for others, you have just as much right to grieve as they do, I am sure no one would think bad of you if you let go and cried, screamed, whatever you feel you need to do.

I am thinking of you today and will be on monday too.

[Bethra]

Cheers honey *hugs* you and the rest of the guys over on QuestingSpirit have really helped me through this loads.

[Mordaen]

Grieve as much as you need to hun. Don't worry about what other people think or say. Sitting down and having a good cry is always a better way of releasing the hurt than bottling it up inside and burying it. Cause it will come back years later and bite you on the ass when you least expect it. I've personal experience on that...<G>.

[Bethra]

Bethra, you will be the rock that everyone needs because she is with you helping you all the way. When you are done helping everyone else, then you will have time to sort through all the emotions that you shelf for now.

I love you girl.

Can I hear a big fat I TOLD YOU SO!!!

Thank you Sem you know me better than most I think. Everything goes on hold because someone else needs you to be the rock and you're doing it even before you knew consciously that they needed it.

I would like to share with you guys my experiance of yesterday so for ease I'm going to copy you my letter to Crazycatwoman to read. Ccw :hugz: thank you for being so suportive :hugz:


Thank you honey you're always there at just the right moment :hugz:

I have to say I was dreading today(Monday). I spent yesterday muttering about how I didn't want to go. It had become very much like a little mantra "I don't want to go I don't want to go" . I'm so naughty people were all phoning up to make sure I was ok and that I was ready and going to be there and every single one of them heard how I didn't want to go. In fact I was probably not going to go right up untill I got a phone call at quarter to nine this morning from Sandra who has been lodging with mam for the last 2 years. She had only just gotten hold of my phone number and she was phoning to ask me to come early because the high Pagans were all gathering to run through the ritual and she begged me to come. Well auto piolet clicked in someone needs me and so I'm throwing clothes on and dragging a brush through my hair and I'm yelling at Karn to go stick on something red and Daryl is in panic stations because he has nothing red and noone told us we had to wear red. So chaos ensues for 20 mins since thats all the time we have to be ready. Driving there Karn is asking me why we had to leave early and I'm babbling about there being a ritual and everything and he turns to me and says but why do WE have to be there early and my dislexic mouth opens and I say "Oh its because some bugger thinks I'm one of the high penguins" well yeah you can imagine as soon as the words left my mouth I just started laughing and I just couldn't say pagan after that. Every time I tried it came out Penguin LOL.

Quick as possible run down it was a green burial so no embarming into a hole in the ground on a greenwood hill and a tree planted above her. Every other funeral I've been to has felt forced and rushed and fake, another reason I didn't fancey it because mam was NEVER fake. We had the high priest from the local druid order or maybe I should say high druid, doing the ceremony, he was an old friend of mams, and we had different people from different crafts calling each quarter and some daft fecker asked me to invoke the goddess, great thanks land me in it why don't you. *roles eyes*

We cast the circle and invoked the goddess and the druidy guy rambled for ages and then he invited us all to come stand in the center and say a little something, and I really had no words so I sang her favorite song again. Poor Sandra before me sang too but she cracked and began to cry and had to struggle through to the end of her song, so I stood beside her just holding her so she didn't have to be alown. Oh yeah at first she was stood on the other side of the circle to me and she was calling the south quarter she looked so lost everyone had gone into their own little groups with the people they knew best and she was there all on her own. My heart went out to her she just looked so lost, like I felt on Wednesday, that lost little girl all alown in the world, so I crossed the circle and went and stood with her and held her hand and was the frecking rock again.

Anyway onward, everyone said their bit then the priestesses went and stood by the grave and we let the guys lower her into the ground in her lovely wiccer coffin and then we banged drums and we screamed our heads off. Aparently we act as midwives to birth her in the land of the dead. So yeah Kris the druid chanted stuff and we just screamed and they were all in tears because I'd just sung my song this song
http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/sinead_oconnor/i_am_stretched_on_your_grave.html
Then one by one we threw some dirt and I threw some homemade potpoure' and then we drank from the horn of plenty and no one seamed to want to go. Someone went and got a shovel and suddenly we were all getting shovels and slowly we covered her over. The grave diggers came expecting to have to move us on so they could fill it in but we'd got halfway down the pile already so they just stood back and let us do it. We just kept going till we'd filled the grave and then went back to the circle and closed it down. I asked the grave digger if he had ever seen anything like that and he just shook his head and said "never in 20 years at this job have I seen the mourners burey their own dead" and that was what we did. She was one of our own and we burried our own and I tell you girl it should be part of every burial because its totaly the best thing you can do for yourself. The idea of walking away from that grave with it open was horrible and in the end I think everyone felt the same. It was totaly unplanned and totaly impromtue and the funeral guys and the grave diggers were gob smacked but freck it felt good to us.

Now I am home and I'm tierd, I'm worn out. There is a lot to do from here on in. She didn't leave a will so I have a feeling there will be a lot of hassle sorting everything out. Just before she died she signed the house over to Sandra but the legalities had not been finalised so its in the air as to what happens from here on in. I've told Sandra I will be there to help her through this and that she doesn't have to be Miss Efficancey and cope on her own. Yeah yeah frecking rock AGAIN. But for now I'm going to bed and going to go lay in Daryls arms and have a good cry again. Wednesday night I found a lot of closeur and I felt better part of the reason I didn't want to go was because I felt it would be like picking at a cut that had just healed over and I was right, it is, I hurt all over again. Part of me is glad I went because I got to witness an incredable thing that I probably wont see again, but the cut is open again after I did so well at closing it. :hugz:

Maybe talk to you later honey
Love you very much
Diane
xXx


Hi there Diane

I hope you're doing ok tonight. You're probably dreading tomorrow and who wouldn't be? I saw the thread but I guess I don't have much to add. There's some smart folk around here ya know ;)

Don't spend your night worrying about what will happen. It will be what it will be. Besides that, regardless of what your feelings and actions are, you know we'll all still love you :hugz:

Sending warm fuzzy hug energy to calm your rattled nerves a bit ~
Carolyn

[Pesha]

Hugs my sweet sister. I am glad you were able to get through things. Love you!!

[Bethra]

Hugs my sweet sister. I am glad you were able to get through things. Love you!!

Its what you have to do isn't it because if you don't do the best you can what kind of person does that make you?

[Sun Sprite]

You need to let your greif out when it comes (okay, maybe not while driving 70 miles and hour on the interstate). Seriously, though, let it out when it comes. The longer you hole it in, the more painful it will be when it comes out. If you are driving. Stop the car in a safe spot, and greive!

Best wishes!