Catholic In-laws

[Autumnsong]

Well, I have a small dilemma here, and I would just like a little bit of input, if anyone would care to offer some. :)

The other night, my fiance's sister visted my MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/jamikay) page, which very clearly and openly states my religion. Now, until that point, no one knew what my religion was (aside from my fiance of course, who has since decided to 'convert'), and since they had never asked me, I didn't tell them either.

But the first thing that Howie's sister did was call their mother -- who is, by the way, VERY Catholic -- and tell her the news.

So, Howie got the third degree. Does she worship evil spirits? Does she sacrifice things? Is it anything like the Native American religion? Has she forced you to convert?

We smoothed things out and the soon-to-be In-Laws seem to be okay with it. It was good that they had a whole year to get to know me before that cat got out of the bag. They know I'm not a bad person.

What I want to know is, now that they know what I am, would it be okay for me to be a little less secretive about my religion? I don't mean to go so far as to start throwing my beliefs at them or whatnot, but just not to have to be so SECRETIVE, for fear of making them tell Howie to leave me or be cast out of the family.

The very last thing I want to do is get him into any sort of war with his family, and I'd like your guys' opinions on what you think would be acceptable now that they know I'm Pagan.

Thanks!

[AuroraSilvermist]

I don't like people to be in my face about their religion, so I also try never to be in their face about my own beliefs. If someone asks, fine. Otherwise, I just let it go. If I act as though my beliefs are just another aspect of my life and don't make a big deal about them I'm far less likely to upset or annoy people. I find that some pagans have been closeted so long that they tend to grow a very big chip on their shoulder, and they feel it necessary to flaunt their spiritual beliefs...which is never a good idea. Be open, yes. Obnoxious? No. As far as I know, there aren't any evangelical pagans. :hahugh:

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with being yourself when it comes to your religion as long as it all comes naturally. Do you regularly wear a pentacle? Fine, then wear it. Your in-laws might well wear crosses, and they would think nothing of hanging a crucifix around their necks. If it's okay for them, it's certainly okay for you, isn't it?

Just be aware that your beliefs aren't mainstream. Be prepared to politely explain your beliefs, or to endure some uncomfortable moments. That's just the nature of the beast. In a world (assuming you're from the US) where a very high percentage of the population claims to be Christian, your alternate beliefs are going to seem alien and maybe a little frightening. You're fighting years of negative stigma and misinformation. Just be patient. :)

[Autumnsong]

:) Thank you for your input. I agree with you that, if Christians, Jews and others consider it acceptable to wear their religious symbols openly, it ought to be okay for Pagans, too.
I do wear a handcrafted, sterling silver triquetra around my neck at all times. My grandparents know I have it, even my fiance's family has seen it -- but they all figured it was a simple Celtic enfatuation.
Well, now it's different, isn't it? Haha

I don't plan on being an extrovert or obnoxious now that they know. For one thing, it's simply not in my nature. (Phew)

My fiance - which I find amusing - is more forward about the whole thing, as though he's trying to put his family into a "take it or leave it" position, I don't know. Anyway, we all went with his mother to pick out a Christmas tree for their house, and Howie felt the need to announce around the dinner table just exactly why trees were so sacred and what they represented.

You should have seen the looks on their faces! Oi... And then, knowing that I'm Pagan, they all turned to me for verification on the subject.

Yes, I agreed, it really IS a phallic symbol...

Haha

[cheddarsox]

My family of origin in Catholic. I'm not. My hubby's family is loosely christian, ethically, but not as in literally believing it.

I pretty much treat my religion the way I treated Catholicism when I was one...there are times and places that it comes up, and is appropriate to talk about, and others...not so much.

I don't hide it or lie about it, but there are people and places in which it falls into the "none of your business catagory" , and that includes discussing it with people who just want to make trouble. I didn't do that when I was a Catholic either. No point.

Basically, I didn't discuss religion at work with co workers or patrons...on company time. Off clock, I discussed it with some workers I was friends with. After I quit, I actually invited some patrons to rituals etc.

With my family...I'm honest. When they ask my holiday plans, or why I am having a party, I tell them. Mostly, it doesn't come up, and when it does, I have nothing to hide, because I am proud of my faith and am happy to share it.

But there are and will always be aspects of it that are private, just as I once had a privat Catholic prayer life.

cheddar

phallic symbol...I like it!

[Nitefalle]

I think that your fiance may put more of a strain on your relationship with the family than you will, if he continues to be so in-your-face about it. I fear it might alienate them or cause some distance, as "he never acted this way before". I think if you just let it lie and let them come to you, if they are curious, it will serve you better than your fiance challenging them and their acceptance every time you see them. I'm not suggesting hiding it or anything like that, but let them stand back and adjust, first. It was obviously a bit of a shock, judging from the third-degree phone call.

[Arion]

Catholics are funny. I go to a Catholic high school, and some of the things they say are pretty ignorant. A teacher (who wasn't one of my teachers) once lectured me on the fact that the necklace I was wearing (a pendant of the goddess Hekate) was idol worship and I was putting my soul at risk. She said I should wear a cross and was horrified when I told her I didn't own one. It was a weird experience, but very amusing, looking back. They classmates I was with were very supportive and defensive of me, which was nice, so not all Catholics are nuts.:lol: That teacher teaches world religions at my school, which scares me. She probably teaches that all other religions are evil devil worship and that we all must go to Jesus. Luckily, she's the minority. The students in my grade all seemed pretty open-minded, despite their Catholic upbringing. Most of my teachers were awesome too (not that they knew my religious beliefs, they just seemed accepting). You never know, you're fiance's family might come around sooner than you think. They may just need to digest it and get used to it, but I don't see why they wouldn't accept you if they know you and like you already.

A few things have come up in my school that I can't stand. I've met a few guys who are intensely conservative and homophobic. A guy in one of my classes this year said something like, "I hate homosexuality. It goes against God, it even says in the Bible." I don't think people like him are actually that hateful, I just think they're misinformed about the teachings of their own religion, and only focusing on one specific thing. Another time, the teacher was talking about religion, and mentioned people who still worship the ancient gods. A guy in my class said something like, "people still worship like, the Greek gods?" and my teacher nodded and he had this really nasty look on his face like people who do that are crazy lol. It annoyed me at the time. I think Catholics are just so isolated in their own Catholic community that they don't realize the diversity of other people out there.

I've had the hots for a few people at my school, but I have kind of an inside joke with myself (yes, i'm a loser8O ) that I could never marry a Catholic... how would we raise the children? :lol:

[Autumnsong]

^.^

Silly Panther... Yes, I agree that Catholics are their own sort of people. It's a good thing that my fiance doesn't really consider himself one. He never agreed with Christianity once he was old enough to understand it for himself, and generally he only went along with his family in order to keep from stirring things up.

Lucky for me, eh? Haha

Also, if your Goddess pendant is an idol and will damn you to hell, isn't a cross an idol, too? Jesus wasn't a big, wooden crucifix, now, was he? Teehee


Nitefalle -- I also agree with you in that Howie might cause problems if he's so uppity about defending me. I understand that he cares about me and doesn't want me to feel threatened or anything, but... He could just be causing more problems than solving them. I have talked to him about this, and I told him that if they have any questions regarding my faith, they can come to me and ask them, IF they can be adults about the situation and understand that I have no intention of converting.

And Cheddar -- You don't know that trees (and maypoles, and knives, etc) are phallic symbols? There's an Egyptian legend that tells the tale of a God who was killed and torn to pieces by an enemy. The bits of his body were hidden all over Egypt, so that he could not be properly mummified and given an appropriate funeral. A Goddess (I forget if it was his lover or his mother.. o.O) went in search of all of the bits of his body, so that she could give him a fitting ceremony... And she found all of the pieces except one - yep, you know which one - and so she made one for him out of wood.
Hence - sacred, phallic, trees. :)

[noxtwice]

Well, I have a small dilemma here, and I would just like a little bit of input, if anyone would care to offer some. :)

The other night, my fiance's sister visted my MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/jamikay) page, which very clearly and openly states my religion. Now, until that point, no one knew what my religion was (aside from my fiance of course, who has since decided to 'convert'), and since they had never asked me, I didn't tell them either.

But the first thing that Howie's sister did was call their mother -- who is, by the way, VERY Catholic -- and tell her the news.

So, Howie got the third degree. Does she worship evil spirits? Does she sacrifice things? Is it anything like the Native American religion? Has she forced you to convert?

We smoothed things out and the soon-to-be In-Laws seem to be okay with it. It was good that they had a whole year to get to know me before that cat got out of the bag. They know I'm not a bad person.

What I want to know is, now that they know what I am, would it be okay for me to be a little less secretive about my religion? I don't mean to go so far as to start throwing my beliefs at them or whatnot, but just not to have to be so SECRETIVE, for fear of making them tell Howie to leave me or be cast out of the family.

The very last thing I want to do is get him into any sort of war with his family, and I'd like your guys' opinions on what you think would be acceptable now that they know I'm Pagan.

Thanks!

this is the SAME EXACT THING that happened to me about a month ago. no one knew till they visited the bf's myspace, then mine, and blabbed to everyone and whoa... it sucked.

[Amelserru_halqu]

This seems to be a perfectly good reason not to put things you don't want people (including future employers to see) on myspace or facebook. If its there then expect that at some point someone will find it.

[noxtwice]

although that's true it sucks when you can no longer express yourself freely on your own space for fear of who's watching, reading and blabbing. i now am considering creating a WHOLE new one that isn't linked to anyone i know in real life, which means excluding my bf entirely. :(

it would suck just as bad if you could no longer post here because it would get back to the entire family, every little thing you say being scrutinized, shared and attacked. that calls for a double :(

[Prophecy]

Well obviously your fiance is kewl with the idea considering he is "converting" as you say.

As for the family, well I wouldn't be in your face with it by any means with the exception that I wear my Pentacle etc and choose not to hide them. As for discussion, wait for them to ask questions, when they do that means they are willing to listen. So just explain to them you are not what was percieved from olden days, explain the "Holidays" you celebrate, your beliefs etc BUT DO NOT TELL them your fiance (Howie?) is converting. That is his job only.

[Autumnsong]

Prophecy, I agree with you that Howie's conversion is his own business. I won't (intentionally) tell his family that he's converted, since I believe that it's his own choice to tell them or (as the case may be) not tell them. :)

As for the whole MySpace thing... It doesn't bother me that they found out that I'm Pagan. Since I am planning on marrying their son, sooner or later they would have found out. Our home will have an altar in it, our decor will most likely contain Pentacles and other items...
If I hadn't wanted the world to know that I am proud of my beliefs and my faith, I wouldn't have put the information on there so BLATANTLY... (Haha, you should see the background image I have).

What gets me the most is that it took THIS long for any of them to put two and two together! My sister STILL doesn't know, and she visits my MySpace site on a regular basis.
Ignorance is bliss, right? Haha

Anyway, thank you for your input, and I'm sorry you had to go through hell when your boyfriend's family found out, Nox. *hugs*

[Lauren Michele]

Well obviously your fiance is kewl with the idea considering he is "converting" as you say.

As for the family, well I wouldn't be in your face with it by any means with the exception that I wear my Pentacle etc and choose not to hide them. As for discussion, wait for them to ask questions, when they do that means they are willing to listen. So just explain to them you are not what was percieved from olden days, explain the "Holidays" you celebrate, your beliefs etc BUT DO NOT TELL them your fiance (Howie?) is converting. That is his job only.

I was given advice to hide my Pentagram so thank you for this message! I feel freeeee!!:boing:
Lauren~

[cheddarsox]

^.^


And Cheddar -- You don't know that trees (and maypoles, and knives, etc) are phallic symbols? There's an Egyptian legend that tells the tale of a God who was killed and torn to pieces by an enemy. The bits of his body were hidden all over Egypt, so that he could not be properly mummified and given an appropriate funeral. A Goddess (I forget if it was his lover or his mother.. o.O) went in search of all of the bits of his body, so that she could give him a fitting ceremony... And she found all of the pieces except one - yep, you know which one - and so she made one for him out of wood.
Hence - sacred, phallic, trees. :)

I knew about maypoles and the Egyptian mythology, but never had connected Christmas trees with phallic symbols! It will just make my Christmas merrier! Maybe we should put a cherry on top. LOL. Thanks for the info.

[noxtwice]

And Cheddar -- You don't know that trees (and maypoles, and knives, etc) are phallic symbols? There's an Egyptian legend that tells the tale of a God who was killed and torn to pieces by an enemy. The bits of his body were hidden all over Egypt, so that he could not be properly mummified and given an appropriate funeral. A Goddess (I forget if it was his lover or his mother.. o.O) went in search of all of the bits of his body, so that she could give him a fitting ceremony... And she found all of the pieces except one - yep, you know which one - and so she made one for him out of wood.
Hence - sacred, phallic, trees. :)

that's the legend of Osiris and Isis :D

[Autumnsong]

Hahaha... a cherry!

I related that little tidbit to my fiance... Poor sheltered man doesn't get it. Haha

I think I'll go explain it to him right now. :D

And thanks, Nox. I thought it was them but I didn't wanna mention names in case I was wrong, that way no one can point and laugh at my mistake. :P

[noxtwice]

Hahaha... a cherry!

I related that little tidbit to my fiance... Poor sheltered man doesn't get it. Haha

I think I'll go explain it to him right now. :D

And thanks, Nox. I thought it was them but I didn't wanna mention names in case I was wrong, that way no one can point and laugh at my mistake. :P

/me points and laughs at you anyways just because :D

[Pagan Warrior]

I'd like your guys' opinions on what you think would be acceptable now that they know I'm Pagan.

I have a friend who phrased it perfectly ... "Don't scare the animals". Honestly, they are probably barely holding on to just accepting what you are, I wouldn't put more emphasis on your beliefs if you don't have to. I certainly wouldn't HIDE it from them or go out of your way to be secretive. One option you may want to entertain (and even bounce off your fiance) is perhaps sitting them down with a (excuse the pun) "Come to Jesus" about what you are. Let them know you are open to answer any of their questions about your religious beliefs no matter how silly the questions may be. Give them the opportunity to ask YOU who you are rather than filter it secretly through your fiance. Just an idea :)

[Crysiira]

Though I also have my true religion mentioned on Myspace, and I do have members of my fiance's family as my friends, it has never caused a stir... so far. However, I've been wearing this necklace for a long time now... It's not a pentacle, it's a star and moon intertwined. So the meaning is not as obvious as a pentacle. Still, though it's not large and I never flashed it in people's faces, my fiance's mother noticed it a few months after I first started wearing it. She did not make a scene, which I am glad for - she can be very... dramatic? That's an understatement. lol. Anyway, she had a private conversation with my fiance and asked him if I realize the meaning behind my necklace. (lol) And he of course explains as much about my religion as he understands, and nothing's ever been mentioned, though she has stopped bugging us to go to church. Though my fiance never "converted", he is certainly no longer the Baptist he was raised. I think his family is starting to realize and accept that.
As for how I act now that it's (sort of) out in the open... I act very normally, actually. I'm not the type of person to be in-your-face. I'm not flashy about my religion, I don't spout facts about the symbology behind thier traditions at the kitchen table - I just do things normally. (that was bold of him, but it was his own family, so I can understand that; I'd be more likely to say something like that at my mom's house than at my fiance's mom's house) If the subject of religion comes up, or debates that include religious beliefs, I stay rather quiet until someone turns and asks for my opinion - unless I have super-strong feelings on the subject. In general, I just try very hard to not upset anyone, but if someone asks, I'll calmly explain as much as I can in terms they'll understand.
I hope that helps, and good luck to you with dealing with this situation; I know how awkward things can get!

[Pagan Warrior]

I can't help but think how very amusing it would be to reverse the situation. Take a child that was raised as a Pagan who decides to marry into a Christian family ... and the mother is so very disappointed but stops asking the fiance to come to rituals LOLOL!!!

[Crysiira]

I can't help but think how very amusing it would be to reverse the situation. Take a child that was raised as a Pagan who decides to marry into a Christian family ... and the mother is so very disappointed but stops asking the fiance to come to rituals LOLOL!!!


Lol, that is a funny image... who knows, maybe that mother will be me someday! LOL :lol: