Just Talk With Me

[Arinya]

I'm depressed. I'm more depressed right now than I've ever been, I think. I've gone into autopilot. I come home and I drink, smoke, eat, cut, and cry to relax. But, it's not enough anymore. I just need to talk with someone and I love MW. No one has to send me any energy, but if you want to I certainly won't complain.

I feel really lost right now. The way I've been living my life isn't working anymore. It hasn't been working for years, but now...it's harder now than ever before. See, I can't make a single decision without taking everyone else into account. I get nervous at the slightest thought that I'm going to negatively effect someone else. If someone else is in a bad mood and I can't help them I get upset. I think I'm emphathic, but don't want to make any claims. But when I'm upset and no one notices...or they do notice and ask me what's up, I just lie and say I'm fine.

Well, I'm not fine. There is some unrequited love, but that's nothing new. There has been and will be again, such is life. But what I really want is for my roomies, who are my friends and I love them both as such, to hug me and tell me they love me and so forth. But, I don't feel like this is the case. I'm alone, completely alone, and it's killing me. I hate asking for hugs, I hate asking for help. I believe in trying to be self sufficient. I really try quite hard to never need help. But for once...for once I can't do this alone anymore.

I live for everyone else around me. Even when I'm doing things for myself, like homework, I am thinking about what others are thinking. For example, I can be sitting on the couch in the living room doing homework and they can be in a completely different room and while I do my homework I will obsess about if I'm sitting where they might want to sit, if they want to talk to me, do they think I'm ignoring them, are they glad I'm not near them, if I get up and go to the computer room will they think I'm only going in there because they are in there, but it's true to a point I don't want to be sitting by myself ever. I'm very co-dependent, I need other people but I also need to be needed. Like I said, I live for everyone else around me and I'm realizing that I need someone to be living for me, someone that thinks about me and cares about me and wants to hug me, rather than give me a hug because I asked for one.

Am I being depressed over nothing? I think so...but I can't shake it. And if I can't shake it, then it's got to be more than nothing. Right? I feel like some angsty teenager...I hate it. I don't even want to tell anyone how I feel because they are going to laugh at me for acting like a drama llama. I'm being ridicoulous. I know all this to be true! So...why am I still so sad?

[mystic_zoe]

im sorry you're feeling so depressed!

maybe instead of telling your friends you're fine, tell them that you're not okay. talk to them. it may be hard to do at first but maybe talking to your friends will help a little.

maybe if you keep saying that you're fine, your friends assume you are or that you dont want to talk about it so they dont push the issue, if that makes sense?

you can send me a PM if you want to talk :)

[*GrumpButt*]

Sorry your feeling like this hon. I kind of do the same thing, with the ppl in other rooms deal. But in my mind its *O I bet they are talking badly about me* >< Yeah im kinda crazy.

[CzechWoods]

Arinya, with every poem i send, energy comes along. if you want to talk, however bad you might feel, you know i am but a v-message/PM away

[Arinya]

Thanks everyone. I do tell them I'm not okay but...it's hard to discuss the issues with them when some of the issues involve them, but they're not their problem. I don't like to burden people. At least on a forum people choose to read my posts, they aren't subjugated to them. If I tell them I'm not okay they will try to help and I'll feel guilty about it. It's all one big vicious cycle.

[Lunacie]

Sending positive, sheerful, brightening energies. And some advice. That sounds like serious clinical depression, and I hope you will look for some treatment. NOW!

A doctor can prescribe antidepressants and a lot of people feel like those have been life savers. You can try taking supplements like St John's Wart or Omega 3, or SamE. Best to check with a doctor first. You can see a therapist to figure out what issues you might have and help you figure out to make changes in your life. But when we get that focused on what everyone else wants and needs and is thinking of us, it's a red flag that we need to take care of ourselves first and foremost. Please take care of yourself, I've lived in that dark unhappy hole and I hated it.

[WitchOfEndor]

Sending positive energies & :hugz: I'm in Michigan too, being in this state at the mo is'nt helpful in lifting anyone's spirits up. Hope things get better for you fellow Michigander. :hugz:

[*GrumpButt*]

I second the St. Johns Wart thing. It worked wonders for me.

[Xander67]

I have to mention here about St John's wort, if you take any medication for depression or anxiety, check with your DR first.

I take Celexa and Adderall, and One day years ago I had decided to take st john's wort at the advice of a friend. She meant well, but ST John;s wort will react with medications and it varies from one person to the next..

hope you feel better!
Jim

[orangeconey]

There comes a point where you've just gotta stop caring about what others think of you. It may sound harsh, but if it's making you that miserable then it needs to go. I do understand the feeling of being in the way. I dealt with it by making myself scarce, but if you need company that wouldn't work for you...the best thing I can tell you is your friends most likely do not feel that way about you, and if you need a hug would probably give you one. REALLY.

You're young...live for yourself while you still can. :thumbsup:

Maybe you can adopt a dog for some unconditional love, if possible.

If nothing works, maybe medication would-since my SO began taking Celexa his mood has improved without too many side effects. Not drastically, but he's a stubborn one. I'm also a huge promoter of vitamins...:uhhuhuh:

Here's a hug from me. :hugz: Do what you need to!

[Arinya]

Thanks again everyone *hugs*
It probably doesn't help that tomorrow morning I have to meet with my probation officer.
And I know, that if they drug test me, I'm going to fail, so I've just got to keep my fingers crossed and hope my life doesn't get a whole lot worse.

[watersprite]

You need to get some help. NOW! You need to check in to the nearest psych ER and tell them that you are cutting and you are a danger to yourself. If you have any vacation or sick time, use it. You REALLY must. and whatever meds they give you, take them! You are at a dangerous place. I am not going to tell you what tea to drink or to smile more.
I am going to light a candle for you and send you energy and hugs. Get going. Today!

[Philosophia]

Sending positive, healing, and comforting energy to you! :hugz:

[la tortuga]

I just moved, I'm going to bust out the altar box first just to light you a candle, dear.

You definitely need some help, because your habits to cope with your stress are a danger to you and even you say that they simply aren't working. Feel free to drop me an e-mail (rabidtriangle@gmail.com) but first and foremost see a doctor, check yourself in somewhere, and start seeing a therapist. I understand the depression that comes with living on your own with roommates and you can't discuss things with them because they're part of the problem, but you so desparately need someone to talk to about your depression. I completely understand it, I was there. A therapist or just someone outside of the loop to speak with can work wonders and help you work through the feelings that you're having. Also, discussing it with a doctor may help you quite a bit because, as you say, you can't pinpoint WHY you're feeling this way. It could be that just one slight adjustment could really help you. Please go see someone and keep us posted on how you're doing, okay? :hugz:

[Arinya]

I know, I should see a doctor. I really really should. I just...it's my last semester of college and I want to get through that. Only two months left, just have to keep gritting my teeth and running with it. I am doing better today, absolutely. Thank you everyone for your energies and thoughts. It's much appreciated! I feel like some an emo kid...it's embarassing to talk about it.

[Cunae]

I so agree with the others recommending medical attention. This is not just being down or bummed out, as I am sure you realize, and you've got to take it seriously.

You will find tremendous relief from this torture once you've been given medications to help. Think of it as having diabetes... at a certain point, it can become life-threatening and must be treated. There's no shame in that, either. I don't feel ashamed about being on anti-depressants. Whatever causes my condition, I've found a way to treat it. I feel so much better!

PLEASE seek medical attention. You will be so glad you did! There's no reason you have to live in emotional agony.

CC

Also, please keep us up-to-date on what's going on, ok?

[Arinya]

I just wanted to again thank everyone for their energies - I Know They Worked! As out of the blue, I've met someone and although another person is no cure (I am still going to go to counseling) it helps immensely.
*hugs*

[Lunacie]

I just wanted to again thank everyone for their energies - I Know They Worked! As out of the blue, I've met someone and although another person is no cure (I am still going to go to counseling) it helps immensely.
*hugs*

Counseling and a new support system. Sounds very promising. I'm very pleased that you're taking care of yourself and making new friends. :thumbsup: