Because I don't know what else to do....

[Darth Wychipu]

I'm terribly new to this asking for help thing....I'm usually one to be everyone else's Knight in Shining armour....and I know the vast majority here don't know me, but I'm really in desperate need of some assistance of whatever kind can be given. Perhaps the energies of strangers can achieve things that those who are too close can't.

The love of my life and I relocated from Washington to Michigan last Sept. We're living with his folks in their enormous house. While I admit, he & I had problems in the past (mostly due to life throwing crap at us all year), but we were really doing great until we got here. He broke up with me about three weeks ago.

This entire household is in a state of chaos to begin with...his step-mother is grieving the loss of her mother last Jan and is in a huge general state of depression. Her mother was a huge influence on the house and pretty much kept it running, so her loss has everyone readjusting. I'm going to sage the house very soon, because of various energetic disturbances that aren't helping and to try to instill a more positive energy in the house in general.

What I need is help with my partner. He has fallen into his own depression (as have I) which revolves around not being able to find work, the loss of his beloved cat of 13yrs, and some other personal demons that didn't rear their ugly heads till he got back here to his home town (that he won't talk to me about). He's become angry, hypercritical, and just mean in general to everyone in the household. I was accused of being emotionally needy for getting mad at him for ignoring me for a week. He states we are "just not compatible" and yet we are quite similar (if not identical) in spiritual beliefs, life goals, humor, core values, and bedroom sports. We had one of those instant connections...he even said he loved me the minute he saw me. In every way, we seem most compatible....except for his anger which is only prevalent when he can't find work.

My own depression has caused me to gain weight and I've gone from a size 4 to size 8 in 2mos. This further caused problems as my partner has said he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I'm having a crisis of faith and questioning my own path (which is totally new to me). I'm working on myself in every way I can....taking herbs and crying myself to sleep. My biggest problem is this year has hit me with so much crap that I've lost my passion for life. His yelling at me to "just be happy" for the last month and a half hasn't helped me find that passion.

We're still living together, though he's moved to another room. He says he loves me and wants me to stay here and be in his life as his best friend. His parents are irritated with his behavior and adore me. He says he can't be in a relationship until he sorts his personal issues, but "who knows what the future holds."

HELP! Can anyone please send energies to help heal us so we can have the healthy, happy relationship we used to enjoy?

[Astara Seague]

Wow Darthy your going through a rough time
I have no easy answers so I will just lend my energy and good wishes your way

[Convallaria]

I know that seeking help here was a big step, but I'm going to suggest seeking professional help as well. Seeing a doctor about the depression, and even the weight gain might be a very good idea.

Also, may I ask which herbs you are taking? Some have negative effects on different personalities, and it might be a good idea to consult one of the resident MW herbalists.

The negative energy in the house isn't doing you OR your partner any good at all. I would suggest cleansing the home, maybe doing a smudge if you've ever got the house to yourself, and if that's not possible, you might want to try flooding each room visually with white light or sprinkling salt and saying a house blessing (such as this one (http://www.neworleansmistic.com/spells/whitespells/houseblessingprayer.htm)).

You may also wish to take some time apart in order to do some spiritual searching. It might be a good idea to find a peaceful space of your own, not in the house, and to take a few minutes each day to look within yourself. Allow yourself to truly feel the feelings in your soul, and think long and hard about what you want.

I would also suggest daily prayer (it doesn't matter to whom. Studies show that praying increases the quality of life for many people, even if they aren't sure of their faith).

Also, I will pray for your relationship and your happiness, if that is any comfort to you :)

[WitchOfEndor]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've lived in Michigan all my life & believe me, at this moment, my beloved home state has become a giant gaping hole of depression for all of us. :hugz: I'm sending all the hopeful & positive energy I can your way. I hope things start looking up & th curse on Michigan will lift soon & we all start having things look brighter soon.

Give me a yell anytime you need to vent. :hugz:

[Darth Wychipu]

Convallaria: Both of my partner's parents are doctors who have been most helpful...they have found a psychiatrist for my partner to see. I have sought professional holistic help. The herbs I am taking are a "mental clarity" blend given to me by the ayurvedic herbalist at work. I work in a holistic clinic as a massage therapist and energetic healer. (oh zen master irony, how I love thee for slapping down the healer) I very much plan on smudging the hell out of this house ASAP. I also am living on 16acres of semi forested land, so I can take a walk/talk with the trees. It's just been colder than a witch's you know what of late, and I haven't taken the time. Thanks for your suggestions and concerns.

WitchOfEndor: Why didn't somebody WARN me this place was such a hot bed of negativity? It's a shame. It's so beautiful here. People are so much nicer than the pretentious, entitled snobs of the Pacific Northwest! Thanks for the offer of the shoulder, I may be taking you up on that. Where in Michigan do you live, btw? I'm finding myself bored out of my mind as I really know no body here.

I will admit last night I made a poppet for healing and offered it up to our new wood stove. Since my partner is very much a fire sign and I'm also very connected to fire, I asked the fire spirits for healing and guidance.

[thought_on_a_wind]

I don't have that much energy to lend as most of it is being sent to support, protect, and heal my father... however, that does not mean I can't send you some insight in lieu.

As far as your ex goes... I understand, or believe I understand why he gets depressed over not having a job (I was in a nice downward spiral for over a year recently)... I'd wager he feels useless on the inside, that everything he's ever done is for naught and that he can't do anything right because he can't even find himself a job.

For me, I felt as if the world was nothing but a big flat dark plain. My muscles ached, my head hurt... I took an overabundance of Ibuprofen because I thought that pain was physical. I'd wake up every day with this feeling that nothing in the world could go right, and that if it did there would be some strings attached that would jerk me out of the way of the help. Things were numb, and I was in this haze that I couldn't let others know about. The worst part about it was, I was so spaced out and stressed, racing in my mind about this that and the other negatives, that I reverted back to when I was a teenager... a fog over my life and a detatchment I now regret.

I am not a certified psychologist, nor do I actually know any that I didn't pay to see, however I'd be willing to bet that esp. with his family around he feels like a failure, another side of this could be why you can't seem to do anything right around him, or he feels like you can't do anything right.

It makes sense to me that he would start to pull away from everyone. Usually one who feels the weight of the world on their shoulders doesn't want to share that weight with anyone else... as a result they become snappy (that is something I'm not too proud of about what I went through).

As far as how to help him, there is no one peice of advice I could give... if he's anything similar to me, were you to constantly remind him of things in life he should be thankful for he'd probably use counterpoints to how those, like I didn't do that or, you are wrong about that, I didn't do anything like that, so forth and so on. The only way I got better was to do it myself... wake up, I suppose...

I wish I could say more, and if I can think of anything else I'll be sure to write it down...

Best of wishes for you and yours,

Thought

[Darth Wychipu]

Yeah, you've pretty well hit the nail on the head...add to that the tendency to flip out if things aren't EXACTLY like he wants them to be. Damn those rigid Aries men! He says it bothers him greatly when I tell him I feel like he's tried to find things wrong to break up over and intentionally trying to make me want to leave. He says he would miss having me in his life. It's just very confusing.

He got really bad once I started working. I do realize that most of this is his projecting. I just am at a loss as to what to do to help him while working on my own problems. I can't say that I am totally innocent as I will admit that I didn't react well to many of his tirades. My nature is that if you back me into a corner, that's when I know my back is covered and I come out fighting. I just got sick of him threatening every time I committed some minor sleight to "just go back to Washington then." Soooo...admittedly there were many arguments I could've handled better had I been in a more stable frame of mind.

Sad thing is (even he states this to me) I'm now becoming more and more stable every day....in fact, JUST WHEN I was getting a handle on my own anxiety about moving across the country and settling in with his family (whom I'd just met when I got here) he loses it and dumps me. I told him I feel like he didn't give us a chance and gave up when things got difficult rather than work toward some functional solution...ironic since he's a project manager who claims to need logical, ordered plans to come up with solutions to problems rather than react emotionally (my usual path).

Anyway, my thoughts go out to your father. He needs your energies far more than I. Your help here is appreciated and enough.

[Glowy]

Yeah, you've pretty well hit the nail on the head...add to that the tendency to flip out if things aren't EXACTLY like he wants them to be. Damn those rigid Aries men! He says it bothers him greatly when I tell him I feel like he's tried to find things wrong to break up over and intentionally trying to make me want to leave. He says he would miss having me in his life. It's just very confusing.

He got really bad once I started working. I do realize that most of this is his projecting. I just am at a loss as to what to do to help him while working on my own problems. I can't say that I am totally innocent as I will admit that I didn't react well to many of his tirades. My nature is that if you back me into a corner, that's when I know my back is covered and I come out fighting. I just got sick of him threatening every time I committed some minor sleight to "just go back to Washington then." Soooo...admittedly there were many arguments I could've handled better had I been in a more stable frame of mind.

Sad thing is (even he states this to me) I'm now becoming more and more stable every day....in fact, JUST WHEN I was getting a handle on my own anxiety about moving across the country and settling in with his family (whom I'd just met when I got here) he loses it and dumps me. I told him I feel like he didn't give us a chance and gave up when things got difficult rather than work toward some functional solution...ironic since he's a project manager who claims to need logical, ordered plans to come up with solutions to problems rather than react emotionally (my usual path).

Anyway, my thoughts go out to your father. He needs your energies far more than I. Your help here is appreciated and enough.




((hugs and energy))

[thought_on_a_wind]

Also, forgot to mention it, but I also know what this
I'm terribly new to this asking for help thing....I'm usually one to be everyone else's Knight in Shining armour is like too. One thing I can say in general is that irregardless of how things are going, it doesn't hurt once in a while to sit down, look yourself in the mirror and say "It's okay, things will get better." Everytime I do it, if it has any tangible impact or not, it actually helps me order my thoughts and maintain optimism.

Thank you in return, by the by, for thoughts for my dad.

Blessed Be,
Thought

[samkhat]

It sounds to me as though you would be much better for a while to find your own place to get yourself back on your own path. If you are suffering this much, you can't do much to help him, except be an emotional dumping ground for him and making your own condition worse.

When we love someone, we tend to put them before ourselves. You can't help him, and he's already rejecting your love and harming you - because you are allowing it.

He needs to sort himself out as well, and there's not much you can do about that until he decides to do it.

You need to be away from his negativity and the emotional ties you have with him to heal yourself. A relationship is a two-way street; this sounds - and feels- like a one way thing; either you take him as he calls it, or you hit the road. Not a good relationship, and if you examine it closely, I think you might find it never was all that great.

See if your need for the relationship is a bigger motivation than the actual relationship itself. If you typically see yourself as the type that is always helping others, it can be awfully easy to fall into a toxic relationship with someone who you see as a person you can 'help.'

It's time to go, sister. No good/balanced relationship with the right person needs THAT much work.

[wandcarvr]

Darth, Hang in there. Relationships and marriage can be rough at times. You are going thru a hell of alot. Perhaps iit cause moving back there it brought past hurts and such. You both are going thru a transition and change is sometimes a really rough thing. A really good relationship-which froman outsider looking in sounds like you have is about friendship. you dont have to take abuse or feel like its you, but give it some time(I hated it when people told me that tho it was true). The movie Camelot helped me get thru times where I didnt understand things. Arthur asks Merlin--How do you handle a Woman-- He answers -simply love her. The same goes for the opposite sex. Im sorry if Ive been long winded. You hang in there Love yourself and hopefully things will work out.

[Philosophia]

Sending healing, positive, and comforting energy to you! :hugz:

[Darth Wychipu]

Thank you all again for all your positive energies. It's too early to tell yet, but I do believe it's working.

While we had a horrid argument Saturday night, we spent all of Sunday actually having functional conversation. We're still not back together, but we understand each other a lot better and are working on strengthening the friendship so that we can perhaps try again soon. He's finally not saying he's against trying again, just saying we both have to work on some things before we can do so. I can deal with that.

AND, he's putting out again...slept in my bed last night after we spent a couple of hours during the day taking care of carnal desires. Then we went out for coffee and had great conversation for the first time in almost 2mos. He doesn't want the rest of the household to know about the sleeping together as we're both trying to reduce the drama all around (this house is a hot bed of drama beyond just our issues).

He's been much more pleasant all around today, too. Even made us breakfast after we had a snowball fight!

[Darth Wychipu]

Update: So it's been now over a week and we've been getting along great. Not a single fight. He still won't kiss me or sleep in my bed, but we're back to regular...ahem...activities. He makes plans that include me, whereas before he totally ignored me and told me to find my own things to do. I'm doing my best to remain as distant as possible so that he doesn't think I'm getting clingy...he still says we're "just friends." The last couple of days, he has been spending more time alone playing computer games in his "room" instead of downstairs with me, but I haven't bothered him. I'm not sure if we'll be working it out...but he's gone from "I'm not attracted to you or want anything to do with you" to this....it makes me believe he doth protest too much. My intuition says that by the end of January we'll be getting more on track...

Whatever you guys did, it's WORKING!!!! THANKS SO MUCH!!!! :fpraise::fpraise::fpraise:

[Darth Wychipu]

well...he doesn't love me and doesn't want to get back together EVER.

*goes to sob some more*

[Caitlin.ann]

:hugz:

[Darth Wychipu]

I'm 99% sure he's out sleeping with somebody right now.

I'm absolutely miserable and heartbroken. I can't sleep and I have to work today.

[Kaylara]

If he's out sleeping with someone else and that's not allowed as part of your relationship, then I think it's time to break it off.

Either way, it's obvious that you're either over anxious or he's not trustworthy. Maybe you should be thinking whether this is guy is actually your soulmate, and whether you'll ever be able to trust him again. If the answer to either of these questions is no, I suggest breaking it off.

You need to stop acting like a doormat. People don't respect or love doormats. They wipe their feet all over them and throw them out when they're too dirty or worn out. You're a good person, and deserve to be treated well. If he can't see that or treat you like that, then he doesn't deserve you and you should find someone better.

[brigidrose]

I am sending energy and healing to you and your family. My husband and I went through something like that, he was going through a really bad time this spring, that made him question everything. We sorted it out , went to counseling ( he didn't like it at first, but the more he opened up the better it helped).
There are lots of different energies forcing things to happen lately, it's a good thing when we give in and let go. The more we fight to keep things the same the worse it is. He has to find that out.
There was a point when my husband was so unhappy, that I actually told him he could go, no strings, no bad feelings ( I was not bluffing, so make sure you are set just in case) it took me a while to actually get to this point. ( It would of been messy as we both own our business together)I knew it wasn't what he really wanted, but I could not bear to be near the negative energy anymore, to see him so unhappy.


I did also smudge and clear the house, always good, regardless. We are happy and stronger, when energy shifts we need to help each other to shift with it. Because of the work you do you understand this more .

I hope this helps alittle, I know when I was in the middle of it , how drained I was. Keep meditating and clearing. :)

I just read your last post about him maybe sleeping with someone, well, I would actually just let him go. If you want to take him back later because he will come back, then you can work on that also. I do draw the line there. Can't help it. Make sure you have a nest egg, save up , if you can. I know its hard cause you in his house, ask the Goddess/God for a way out. Be clear write down everything. I am so sorry. Hugs to you. But it WILL be ok.

[Glowy]

Is it possible for you ro go back to Washington? Is that something you would ever consider?

[Morgaine_cla]

Greetings,


In terms of addressing the issues in the house, as a purely practical matter...


When did the energy disturbances begin?
Where are they happening, mostly?
Who are they affecting most?
How do they manifest?
Would you say that your boyfriend's personality has changed? If so, have you seen his change before? (where, when, and under what circumstances)


(I think I can guess when they started and what's behind them, but I can't make further suggestions until I know more.)

And I agree with getting professional help. Sometimes a situation is just too much for one person to cope with. If we don't get help in these situations, we drown. I know it's hard (I hate asking for help), but it's better than drowning.

I'll be watching for your reply...

Blessings

[AstralMagick]

Reiki is on its way. It will help heal your relationship into what it is meant to be.