Losing it...

[Laoghaire]

Can I rant? Can I please cry?

I feel beyond despair... I'm exhausted and I can't get some rest.

Monday, 25 May, was D-day for me. I failed my thesis last year, so I had to re-do it. I had to hand it in that Monday, threefold, glued and whatever more. The pressure... Well, there are no words to descibre what I felt this last week. Luckily, I had my dear Stormbeard, who pulled me through. If it wasn't for him, I think I would have given up... That last Sunday night, he stayed up with me until 3.30am. He corrected most of my chapters and cheered me up. I was an awful person, and I've hurt him so many times... Sunday night, and even Monday morning, I had a fight with dad, about menot being ready (again) and not printing the thesis on time... He is worried, I'm well aware of that, but I would have killed for a cuddle. I didn't get any. Complaints, yes...

So, I handed the thesis in yesterday, raced back home and started studying for my exam today (26 May). I had a lot of studying to do, letmetell you that, because the thesis had been my first priority last week.

Only to find, when I logged on, that Stormbeard,my partner, my rock, my support and my love, had been involved in a car crash. Nothing serious, but a blow for me nonetheless... This has always been my biggest fear, of losing him without being aware of it. He is okay (As far as I know), so I couldn't be happier.
I studied till 1.30am, after which I had a shower, and went to bed.

At 3am, an awful stormhit Belgium, with a tremendous power... My window was still open and the wind on my curtain woke me up. I closed it, surrounded in light flashes. I went back to sleep, but onlyminutes later, the storm hit hard. I thought I heard our bikes fall... I re-opened the curtain, to see a purple sky FILLED with lightening. So much wind... I walked downstairs, shaking. My sister sleeps in the room under me and she was already awake too.
I ran downstairs... *****, this breaks my heart everytime I think about it* Because I was afraid of my mum's brand new gazebo (summer gazebo, with iron bars and canvas). I found it completely broken... Bent, on the ground. Mum had just decorated it (she was so happy with her new gazebo) with flowers in her favourite pots. All smashed... *cries*
I was the first one to see it, and I cried, so loud... My mum's mother's day gift... The watering cans were gone, my slippers soaked...
Then there was hailstone... Hailstone melts on our windows, and oozes through one of them. Now this happened with two windows, including the window where the computer was. We were all up by that time, running around with buckets and mops. But we all cried over the gazebo...We all sat in front of the window for a while, looking up to the sky. We had 30.000 lightenings in the sky in two hours time, and 10.000 lightenings that have hit the ground (and killed a horse).

I went to bed, but could not sleep... Called my man, only to find out more about the disasters that happened over there after the accident. But he calmed me down...

The alarm rang at 6.45am. I got up, saw the ravage in the garden and had to leave for uni... I'm now home again, and I'm lost. I want to cry, but I can't. This is pure despair, and I don't know why. I managed to struggle my way through the thesis with a happy face. Nobody ever saw a tear or despair, despite from Stormbeard. I was so scared last night...
I don't know what's wrong with me now. Will it be good to cry? But why can't I? It's not the gazebo that is gone...It's out gift to my mum, who was so over the moon with it.

What is going on?

[Nesta]

:hugz: :hugz: :hugz:

Have a good cry and let it all out.

[Bettie]

Aw, darlin' girl... you've had a rough time, haven't you? :hugz:

Is it not possible to mend the gazebo? Although it must be heartbreaking to have it broken like that, I am sure that as far as your mum is concerned, the greatest gift was the love and thought that went into it - what the gazebo represented, perhaps?

I'm glad Stormbeard is okay, what a scary thing to happen though... please pass on my best wishes to him while he recovers. Nesta's right, having a good cry will do wonders, trust me.

:hugz: :hugz :hugz:

[brigidrose]

I agree, have a good cry let out and dump all those negative emotions. You can get a new gazebo, with more flowers. No one , but the poor horse was hurt.

Start to bring in protection for your family and home. I do this with my children and our pets home, vehicles, ect. I imagine a big bubble of gold, layered with white, then pink, over our home, then I extend it to our neighbors, then to the town, then to our state, country, ext. Or during a storm just do your house and neighbors.

I believe it works. Also it helps me not feel so helpless. :)

When I sense a storm or hear it being violent, I stand up spread my arms out and think calming thoughts. I don't really think anything in particular but its like im telling the storm to gently pass, to calm down, like a mother would sooth her child.

Hope some of this helps.

@~<~~~

[Corvis Canis Latrans]

Laoghaire,

Just letting you know again, :hugz: to you.

Things build up and we reach a breaking point.

Theses are hell no matter what. Been there, done that, not sure if I can bring myself to go through it again....so big :hugz: there.

I don't know what education level your parents are at, but unless they've been there, they can't understand the amount of pressure it involves. My mom didn't, and neither one of us coped well with the fact that for all practical intents and purposes I was borderline manic depressive that semester. I remember one phone call I took badly something that was well-intentioned from her and just started screaming at her....still don't feel good about that, it's the only time I've ever completely lost it with her and for something trivial....but it happens.

You had a bad scare about Stormbeard. That would terrify me, too. Knowing that someone I loved could have been hurt and not being able to do anything about it. You'll feel better when you see him. But hearing about it, even with him being OK, you know the possibility was there that it could have been worse. And when you're already upset it just keeps cycling around and around, that constant what if? When we're already upset, our imaginings sometimes become more real than the real situation that set them off.

Storms--I LOVE storms, but even that would have been too much for me. Hail. Lightning. Destruction. I'll confess, and it's something that disturbs me in myself, damage doesn't bother me that much when it happens "elsewhere." A part of me finds it exciting, exhilarating. And that bothers me. But if it hits close to home, to friends, family, in my own backyard? Trees falling, things we've put our own work into, especially things newly built with love. To see it destroyed, that is painful. It becomes personal, like a personal strike against you. It can be especially scary for that reason.

And though you can redo the gazebo, it feels more permanent. The thesis is a passing situation, the exam, any minor bruises that Stormbeard might have. But to see something destroyed like the gazebo, just more :hugz:

The fact that you're upset and depressed and scared right now is no surprise. You've had too many blows at once. Too many long term stressors followed by these swift blows. If you weren't upset, that would be more worrying.

I don't know if it's possible, I know that instructors can be strict, and tests might be required at a certain time, but if possible can you just let the instructor know what's been going on? On the one hand in your place I'd want the exam over with and out of the way, it's another stress, and it is good to get at least one thing off your mind. On the other, so much has happened, it might be good if you could get an extension by about a day or two, have more time to try to regain your equilibrium and then take it.

Just understand, even though I know it truly doesn't feel that way, you're strong for being able to cope as well as you have.

Be sure and reward yourself after the exam if you're going to take it today. Just do something totally selfish and for you. Even if it's something small. You probably don't feel like it right now (I know I don't when my life is hell), but that's exactly why you should do it.

Good luck,

CCL

[Cloaked Raven]

:hugz:

[Amilee]

Hey beautiful. :hugz: Don't you worry, things will turn out okay! I agree with everyone else, you should have a real good cry, maybe find a Stormbeard shoulder to cry on (you lucky girl) and get all that pent up stress out of you. :hugz:

We all have bad weeks, yours seems to have picked some awfully bad timing. :hugz:

[Raxeph]

Good luck. :hugz:

[Laoghaire]

Thank you all, for your kind words.

I took a nap, after I posted this thread, and I think I slept for three hours. Longer than I anticipated... I feel slightly better, but I still feel like crying. I just want to sit and stare out of the window.

Oh... While posting this, I did something stupid. I checked my email and found that my professor emailed me back, with the words that the chapter that I had sent ages ago, was corrected but that I never had picked it up. Oh ffs... If only I knew prof... Urgh, I'm scared that I ruined the thesis again now.

Right... I'll be back later, I'm going to wreck something...

[Nesta]

I sometimes like to have a good scream and find some old plates to smash. Works for me to get out some of the frustration when things are going wrong, maybe you should try it.

[Stormbeard]

I sometimes like to have a good scream and find some old plates to smash. Works for me to get out some of the frustration when things are going wrong, maybe you should try it.
Are you Greek?

[Nesta]

lmao no, I'm Scottish. Maybe there's a bit of Greek in me somewhere. :bigredgri

ETA: Glad to hear you're ok Stormbeard.

[soulforge]

i am glad that all of your loved ones are ok..but its just my thought but have you considered you may suffering PTSD? post traumatic stress dissorder? that is a lot of things to happen in short order..wish you the best and positive energy...

[Autumn]

I sometimes like to have a good scream and find some old plates to smash. Works for me to get out some of the frustration when things are going wrong, maybe you should try it.

I've always favored a dumpster with lots and lots of bottles to smash, great breaking glass sounds and because of it being a dumpster...NO CLEANUP NEEDED although ya might wanna wear work gloves during your smashing party!!

[Agaliha]

:hugz:

[Incendia]

:hugz: :hugz:

[Glowy]

((hugs)) take some time to just cry it all out sweetie.:rubhead:

[Philosophia]

Sending lots of love, happiness, calming, and comforting energy to you! :hugz:

[DreamSpell333]

:hugz: I hope things get better for you .