I'm a failure :( (don't read - nonsense)

[AstraSkye]

<waste of time>

All my "friends" from middle school and junior high and before that even are graduating left and right now... With a few exceptions, of which one of them is me. I'm nowhere near graduation. I might be able to "graduate", i.e. get my "high school competence", this fall, but I won't ever have a *real* graduation, you know, sitting in the classroom with all my classmates, and finally being let out, photographed, being picked up by my family and driven all over town in a kick-ass sports car that cost my family a fortune to rent, decorated with ribbons, balloons, etc. etc. and with the white hat on my head...

I'm trying to comfort myself with the thought that I will actually get a better education than the people in high school, and that I have more freedom than them (they have to study some 16 subjects, while I can choose to study whatever I like, of which I've picked nothing but core subjects for this fall, which is when I get to attend KomVux (I hope))...

Doesn't help much. It feels like my family's pride and honor is resting on my shoulders. My sister graduated, yes, but after attending a program that my parents (mom!) thought wasn't good enough... To add onto it, she ran away from home the day after graduation (she's now "in bad standing" with my dad), and now she lives up north and drives a bus for a living...

How horrible. The oldest daughter - whose father is a much respected engineer and energy- and environment advisor (though retired) - is driving a bus for a living!! *sarc*

I could hear the panic in my mother's voice when I told her I wanted to get a taxi driver's license as well as a driver's license for bus. Since the honor and pride of the family is depending on the last daughter, she cannot do such things! NOOOOO!!!

So, once I get my high school diploma, I guess I'm expected to become someONE. At least something worth bragging about to my mother's workmates, right? Or someone my dad could talk about at the re-unions with his old class mates?

"Oh, my daughter is this someONE... She was the top of her class at the university, and she recently released this new report that proves something really big! Like father like daughter... Did I mention she drives and Opel, too?"

(Dad, did you also mention that your daugther - who'll be someONE ten years from now - skipped ninth grade to the point where she wasn't accepted to high school at all, but had to go to ICU*, and then, when finally accepted to HS, flunked the first year of high school, and dropped out of the folk high school (HS substitute, adult ed.)?)

Did I also mention two clans will vanish, unless my sister or I have children? Unless we count my half-sister - who already has two kids - but she just saved the life of ONE clan. Can I please have a GENE TRANSPLANT?????

*=not quite the right abbrevation, but still... Students with various problems who aren't accepted to HS are offered to go a program called "IV" - an individual program where they get the chance to raise their grades in core subjects. Now, ICU (Intensive Care Unit) is translated to IVA in Swedish... Well fitting abbrevations, for two similar things...

Blah, I'm in such a downer mood tonight... *cries*

</waste of time>

[Old Witch]

I don't know what to say exactly, except I loved driving a bus.........

(((((((((Astra Skye))))))))).........:loveydove

[Bainidhe Dub]

I can relate to a point. My father went back to college after 20 years with the same company because kids my age in college ("with not a lick of sense" <-- quote from Dad lol) were getting higher paying jobs & promotions than him. So when I graduated from high school there was a lot of expectations. I was going to college and get a good job as a teacher and be successful-not like Cousin A who gets his gf who was 15 years older than him pregnant or Cousin B who was the wild child that did everything wrong.

I am the oldest granddaughter on both sides. The oldest of my parents' three kids. The responsible one. The good girl. I was in Girl Scouts and on the honor roll. Perfect attendance in school every year(until I got the chickenpox lol). A "good art student". Blah blah blah.

Half way through my first semester of college I packed up my things from my dorm room and moved in with my boyfriend & got a job.

*sarcastic laugh* Now the only reason my parents are proud of me is because I don't have kids and I left my ex.

Being a taxi or bus driver sounds interesting. I think the most interesting job I had was when I worked as third shift cashier at a truckstop when I was 19. Lol. Not exactly a "good girl" job but I loved it.

[Phoenix Blue]

**Hugs** Here's to hoping you feel a little better with some energy and support. I'm going to move this into Energy Requests, hopefully some more people will donate hugs and goodwill. :)

[AstraSkye]

My sister likes driving a bus :) I'd be happy with that, too, but most of all I'd like to do deliveries. As long as I get to drive. :) I *love* driving... It's not like I'll do it for a living, but more like an extra income while I'm attending the university (sis never attended uni...). :)

Thanks for the hugs. :) I called my boyfriend and cried hysterically and all I could say was "I need a hug".

[AstraSkye]

Originally posted by LadyPhoenix

The responsible one. The good girl.

I'm the youngest one, but the quoted part applies... When my sister was a bit younger than I am now, she hung out with her friends a lot, and sometimes they drank beer, I knew she was drunk (to the point of not wanting to go home) at some occasions, and I suspect she smoked some as well... She was always home very late, often five-six hours later than she had agreed on with our parents.

I, on the other hand, have never been drunk - I'm a total abstainer even - I have never smoked, and I definitely don't do drugs. I was always on time - if I said 10:30 to my 'rents, I stepped through the door at 10:30. I say "was", because we no longer have any "official agreements" regarding the time. ;)

They don't see that though. My mom completely denies that my sister ever drank anything or came home WAY too late... "oh no, she was such a good kid!"... and I'm always the bad one.

[Lucidia]

everyone moves foward at their own pace. no need to rush yourself... because then when you're "forced" to do "well".... then you burn out under the pressure. i did really well in high school, but i didn't want to go to college.. and everyone pressured me.. and it hurt so much that no one cared about MY feelings... but i didn't go, and now after four years i think i'm finally ready... so I am gonna start filling out all the stupid forms, etc... but the point is that I made the decision.. for MYSELF... not for anyone else.

your life is what you have to worry about... yeah your parents brought you into the world.. but they are not your entire world.. just an important part of it. once you have reached the age where you are allowed you make your own decisions... take into consideration the advice that people around you may give to you, but you don't have to blindly follow a path someone else made for you.

if you make these important steps toward being self supporting and educated on your own, then you will be much happier. eventually your parents will realize that your happiness is more important that what major your choose, or what job you end up with.. and even if they don't... you are the person that has to live with your choices for the rest of YOUR life.... so try and follow your heart and mind, and make your soul happy.

part of being an adult is being independent and learning to live on your own and support yourself. unless you parents want you to live with them forever and have them pay all your bills and do your laundry and make you dinner every day... then they should resepct you as an individual and realize that you are at a point where you will make your own mistakes and hopefully learn from them. not everyone can be #1 all of the time... but if you did your best, then you were #1 for yourself. and that's what matters...

*hugs* our hearts are with you. just be strong and know that there are people that care about you and want you to be happy.

[FaerySong]

((((((As much Energy as I can spare to AstraSkye)))))) I hope you find your strength and peace of mind. =)

[AstraSkye]

Originally posted by Lucidia

everyone moves foward at their own pace. no need to rush yourself... because then when you're "forced" to do "well".... then you burn out under the pressure.

That's what happened... I was little miss straight A-following all the rules-quiet in class-obedient student all from 1st through 7th grade. In 8th grade I began to feel the pressure and I realized what a prison school was. My grades dropped, but not a lot. In 9th grade, I burned out for real - flunked six subjects, and barely passed the rest, except for a B in English (no matter what, I always kept my high grade in English!). During the last semester (or half of it at least) I skipped so much I was barely in school at all. During the last month, I attended two or three classes a week... Tops!

School has never been difficult for me (I dropped out of adult ed. because it was too easy!! - I need a challenge), but I don't handle the pressure very well... It's so much about school (having junior high in mind...) that makes me so ANGRY!


but the point is that I made the decision.. for MYSELF... not for anyone else.

I know my parents are (or, were) disappointed in me for dropping out, but I tried to make it clear that my emotional and mental health depended on it. I am old enough to legally make my own decisions, but it still feels good to have some kind of "OK" from the parents, seeing as I live under their roof and all...

I have made clear that I want to get an education, and I think that makes them feel better. I applied for another adult ed.-system before I even dropped out of school officially, and they know I think a lot about what I should study at the Uni.


you are the person that has to live with your choices for the rest of YOUR life.... so try and follow your heart and mind, and make your soul happy.

I will do so. Thanks. :)


unless you parents want you to live with them forever and have them pay all your bills and do your laundry and make you dinner every day...

I had to fight for making my own food and doing my own laundry when I moved in here...


*hugs* our hearts are with you. just be strong and know that there are people that care about you and want you to be happy.

Thanks :) *bows* It sure warms to hear that... :)

[mol]

I never graduated. I dropped out of high school when I was 16 to work full time helping mom with the bills.

I am now a software engineer.

[mythwalker]

I feel your pain and I can only tell you how I overcame it myself. I didn't graduate and today I do well. I worked hard and became someONE, ME! You can only be who you are and not who someone else wants you to be. If you are looking for someone to be proud of you...Be proud of yourself! You have a place out there and it is not the first job you ever have that will be your destiny. That's just how you pay the bills until you find your place, nothing more. Don't give up, be strong and do your best. You will succeed! I'm sending all my energy to you in the hopes you find your way and the support you need to continue on your way. I'm here if you need me!!!


Love and Bright Blessings.

[Semele]

Originally posted by AstraSkye
So, once I get my high school diploma, I guess I'm expected to become someONE. At least something worth bragging about to my mother's workmates, right? Or someone my dad could talk about at the re-unions with his old class mates?


The only thing that matters is that you become someone you would brag about. It simply isn't worth the effort to try to live up to the expectations of others and lose sight of your own.

Good Luck!

[cydira]

Hon, I feel your pain and I know where you're coming from. Eldest daughter and the only college graduate out of my siblings, I'm feeling the pressure right now too.

Just remember that in the end, it's you that matters. That's what is keeping me sane.

<hugs> You'll get through and do a fine job.