TerraMadre
December 1st, 2003, 12:00 PM
:goodgrief
Tj, my husband, died on his birthday. How much worse does it get than that? We're young, we've only been together for a short time, no kids yet, though seriously thinking about it. Last night, Tj went out drinking with his buddies, a friend from high school whom I'd just met a few months before, and some jackass rich boy that i've never liked. I guess they were having so much fun that Tj ended up dead and his friend from high school ended up amnesiac! They were wrestling around, and this other kid never bothered to call for help when shit went wrong. I'm debating suing him for wrongful death. Anyway, it's today now, and I'm talking to Tj's high school friend. We'll call him Mark Dugan, though I have no idea (in waking life) if such a person really exists or not. He doesn't even remember me, and we'd gotten to be very close. All his memory from the last 6 months is wiped out. So I tell him about Tj's death, about his bitch of a girlfriend (who, three days later, still hasn't called to see how he is - and i made sure she knew what happened myself!), and little details here and there. He has been staying with friends temporarily and has no place of his own, so I offer up the basement in the house that Tj and I just bought. it's a little dump, but very cute all the same. The door to the basement goes through our bedroom. I remember when we first moved in, the previous owners had left quite a bit behind. I went down to the basement to do some cleaning and found a bed and quite a few belongings. There were a lot of pictures of Mark and a girl named Mandie. I guess this had been Mandie's room before ... pictures of her show her looking dark-haired, dark-eyed, frazzled, very Marla Singer-esque. I remembered that a long time ago, she had gotten knocked up by a friend of ours named Ryan (who exists in waking life with his pregnant girlfriend), who is now the father of a little boy he and his current girlfriend have just had. Later on, I ask Ryan if he's heard from Mandie, and he says, "No, the bitch never showed up with the kid. I don't even think he's my kid b/c she won't bring him to me." His girlfriend jumps in and says, "She still has feelings for him, he hurt her pretty bad, I guess," to which Ryan replies, "**** her! she needs to stop being in love with me...." Ahh, memories.... back to the present. It's always easier to live in the past when the present's so painful. I show Mark the way to the basement, which is currently locked b/c of some paranoia that is not my own that *anyone* can get in the house through the basement windows. Tj'd been doing some work on the floor as well. So I'm afraid it didn't make a great impression on Mark, but he seemed to be happy nonetheless. I showed him where the bed was, and the wall opposite of it that had a door that extended into the unfinished part of the basement; the window and the window well on adjacent walls, the desk in the corner. He seems pretty happy with it all. We go upstairs and look at the cats, the two youngest are playing around and being silly. The two oldest (who have been with us for 2 and 3 years) are very sad and lethargic. Poor kitties, they miss their daddy. Mark and I get to talking, and I ask him if anything's sunk in yet; I relate how I'm feeling nothing but numbness and a dull pain whenever my thoughts wander too closely, and I just don't want to cry anymore, and I just want everything to be over. Why couldn't I go with him? Do you feel anything like this? He says, "No, it's just so weird, I don't know -- literally. I mean, it's almost like I haven't seen Tj in six months ... hell, I don't remember anything..." He seems to be having a difficult time articulating, so I jump in, "Have you ever seen the movie 'Waking Life'?" "YEAH!" he says. He admits that it's like that, that he's not sure if he's sleeping or awake, or if everytime he wakes up he's starting a new dream, or if he's dead too. And it sinks in how much that's gotta hurt him. After a long day, we finally go to bed.
I go to work a little later because I think I'm ready. I pull into the Perkins parking lot and see a huge crowd of people, the only ones I actually recognize are Michelle, the dinner manager, and my friend J Phoenix. There are children all standing in a line, holding to-go boxes. I'm very puzzled, and roll down my window to ask what's going on. Just then, *everyone* starts singing Happy birthday to Tj, and they give me everything I could ever want to throw him a happy birthday -- his favorite pie, candles, napkins, silverware, all in to-go boxes. Of course, I couldn't work after that, I broke down, turned the car around, and went home. After looking through all the boxes, I call J up. "thank you, that was very sweet. One of the boxes had cigarettes in them -- what should I do???" J says, "Smoke 'em!" At this point, I had inadverdently dropped them in the toilet. "But they're wet and pissed on!" J says, "Let them dry and smoke 'em later!" I reply, "Eww, no! I'm leavin' 'em!" and flush the toilet.
A little later yet, I'm walking around town with Mark, shopping for hearing-aid accessories for him as it's been determined that he's lost quite a bit of hearing. He's going for basic black bands (like headbands that attach to your hearing aids, do not exist in waking life), but I tell him that he needs to go with something flashier to fit his personality. I've been developing a real affection for him lately -- that he and I both suffered life-changing tragedies and lost a person we both loved very much together really helps. We start talking about exploring a relationship and being intimate. It seems so soon, but it also seems ok and right. And we don't have to tell anyone about it just yet, it can just be our little secret. And we start secretly having sex as we walk down the sidewalk, side-by-side. And all I can think to myself is "this is so weird, but so great..."
And I run into a friend of mine at some thrift store that is geared to '90's "retro"... and we go nuts at all the old gap clothes that used to be cool in the '90's and i find the coolest leather coat lined in wool that makes me happy - and Mark likes it too.
Then I wake up, realizing that Tj's not in bed with me and it's 9:40 in the morning, and I get scared.....
end.
:wah:
Tj, my husband, died on his birthday. How much worse does it get than that? We're young, we've only been together for a short time, no kids yet, though seriously thinking about it. Last night, Tj went out drinking with his buddies, a friend from high school whom I'd just met a few months before, and some jackass rich boy that i've never liked. I guess they were having so much fun that Tj ended up dead and his friend from high school ended up amnesiac! They were wrestling around, and this other kid never bothered to call for help when shit went wrong. I'm debating suing him for wrongful death. Anyway, it's today now, and I'm talking to Tj's high school friend. We'll call him Mark Dugan, though I have no idea (in waking life) if such a person really exists or not. He doesn't even remember me, and we'd gotten to be very close. All his memory from the last 6 months is wiped out. So I tell him about Tj's death, about his bitch of a girlfriend (who, three days later, still hasn't called to see how he is - and i made sure she knew what happened myself!), and little details here and there. He has been staying with friends temporarily and has no place of his own, so I offer up the basement in the house that Tj and I just bought. it's a little dump, but very cute all the same. The door to the basement goes through our bedroom. I remember when we first moved in, the previous owners had left quite a bit behind. I went down to the basement to do some cleaning and found a bed and quite a few belongings. There were a lot of pictures of Mark and a girl named Mandie. I guess this had been Mandie's room before ... pictures of her show her looking dark-haired, dark-eyed, frazzled, very Marla Singer-esque. I remembered that a long time ago, she had gotten knocked up by a friend of ours named Ryan (who exists in waking life with his pregnant girlfriend), who is now the father of a little boy he and his current girlfriend have just had. Later on, I ask Ryan if he's heard from Mandie, and he says, "No, the bitch never showed up with the kid. I don't even think he's my kid b/c she won't bring him to me." His girlfriend jumps in and says, "She still has feelings for him, he hurt her pretty bad, I guess," to which Ryan replies, "**** her! she needs to stop being in love with me...." Ahh, memories.... back to the present. It's always easier to live in the past when the present's so painful. I show Mark the way to the basement, which is currently locked b/c of some paranoia that is not my own that *anyone* can get in the house through the basement windows. Tj'd been doing some work on the floor as well. So I'm afraid it didn't make a great impression on Mark, but he seemed to be happy nonetheless. I showed him where the bed was, and the wall opposite of it that had a door that extended into the unfinished part of the basement; the window and the window well on adjacent walls, the desk in the corner. He seems pretty happy with it all. We go upstairs and look at the cats, the two youngest are playing around and being silly. The two oldest (who have been with us for 2 and 3 years) are very sad and lethargic. Poor kitties, they miss their daddy. Mark and I get to talking, and I ask him if anything's sunk in yet; I relate how I'm feeling nothing but numbness and a dull pain whenever my thoughts wander too closely, and I just don't want to cry anymore, and I just want everything to be over. Why couldn't I go with him? Do you feel anything like this? He says, "No, it's just so weird, I don't know -- literally. I mean, it's almost like I haven't seen Tj in six months ... hell, I don't remember anything..." He seems to be having a difficult time articulating, so I jump in, "Have you ever seen the movie 'Waking Life'?" "YEAH!" he says. He admits that it's like that, that he's not sure if he's sleeping or awake, or if everytime he wakes up he's starting a new dream, or if he's dead too. And it sinks in how much that's gotta hurt him. After a long day, we finally go to bed.
I go to work a little later because I think I'm ready. I pull into the Perkins parking lot and see a huge crowd of people, the only ones I actually recognize are Michelle, the dinner manager, and my friend J Phoenix. There are children all standing in a line, holding to-go boxes. I'm very puzzled, and roll down my window to ask what's going on. Just then, *everyone* starts singing Happy birthday to Tj, and they give me everything I could ever want to throw him a happy birthday -- his favorite pie, candles, napkins, silverware, all in to-go boxes. Of course, I couldn't work after that, I broke down, turned the car around, and went home. After looking through all the boxes, I call J up. "thank you, that was very sweet. One of the boxes had cigarettes in them -- what should I do???" J says, "Smoke 'em!" At this point, I had inadverdently dropped them in the toilet. "But they're wet and pissed on!" J says, "Let them dry and smoke 'em later!" I reply, "Eww, no! I'm leavin' 'em!" and flush the toilet.
A little later yet, I'm walking around town with Mark, shopping for hearing-aid accessories for him as it's been determined that he's lost quite a bit of hearing. He's going for basic black bands (like headbands that attach to your hearing aids, do not exist in waking life), but I tell him that he needs to go with something flashier to fit his personality. I've been developing a real affection for him lately -- that he and I both suffered life-changing tragedies and lost a person we both loved very much together really helps. We start talking about exploring a relationship and being intimate. It seems so soon, but it also seems ok and right. And we don't have to tell anyone about it just yet, it can just be our little secret. And we start secretly having sex as we walk down the sidewalk, side-by-side. And all I can think to myself is "this is so weird, but so great..."
And I run into a friend of mine at some thrift store that is geared to '90's "retro"... and we go nuts at all the old gap clothes that used to be cool in the '90's and i find the coolest leather coat lined in wool that makes me happy - and Mark likes it too.
Then I wake up, realizing that Tj's not in bed with me and it's 9:40 in the morning, and I get scared.....
end.
:wah: