Half of my soul has left, and my heart broken

[ms.behave]

Your born alone, you die alone.. Something i used to live by, until i met Castor. Four years ago we met, on a city bus, i was blinded by his beauty...we fell in love, we were one body, one soul. He left for British Columbia in the beginning of December, i was to met up with him after because i had exams to finish in school. About three says before my flight leaves, i received a phone call, "i met someone". I still belived everything was going to be ok but i stayed home.. I later found out i was pregnant and called him, he said "we can't take care of a kid so please have a abortion, it's my choice too".. I had an abortion, i asked him to come home right away, "i'll pay" i said but he refused. my uterus was infected after the aboriton, i spent 3 days in the hospital with no castor and now i cannot have children...he finally did came back, 1.5months later and left again in two weeks, the next time i heard his voice, he said, "i just wanted to let you know that "evil" and i will be driving back home (to ontario) and we will pack my stuff up and move back to BC. He's fallen in love with BC (understandable), wants to grow alone (understandable), this new girl in his life, the one that he ****ed me over for, left me in the hospital for, left me in Ontario for, (not cool) especially because i was soo stupid to believe his lies, his mulipulation and even in our relationship years ago, i knew he cheated and lied. I am asking all you out there for some strength, some strenth for not being soo stupid, soo blind, to recognize signs of deceit, strength to gain confidence, strength to be powerful and not taken advantage of, and most importantly, strength to be aware and find where i belong again... Castor is not that bad of a person, can you please send him, out there somewhere in this universe, some strength aswell, i have none left...


Cynthia

[Jenne]

Oh Cynthia. Darlin', you are worth more than that waste of skin who did that to you, way more. Don't let his selfishness eat at you til there's nothing left. You have been given a second chance, from what I can see--and you are well rid of this vermin. (and I'm sorry, but anyone who would do that to another human who he'd impregnated is definitely not a nice guy...rather the opposite, imho!)

:hugz:--healing and spiritual. I hope you can heal and find peace in this situation. Stay the hell away from him. Arrange for him to pick up his crap when you are not there so you don't have to deal with him. I hope you can move beyond this, too. He did NOT deserve all the best you had to give.

Sending you peace and love...

[morrigen]

You know...the only thing you did here was love. And unfortunately, you loved someone who did not treat you with the respect you deserve. Time will heal your heart, and you will find someone worthy of your love. Until then, rest, look after yourself, and remind yourself every day that you are worthy of real love, and real respect.

[Tea Leaf]

Cynthia
*I send you strength, light and healing energy*.
Sweetie you will be in my thoughts, and if you need anything please just PM me. I’m here for you.

Blessings & Light

[Ryer Shannara]

My heart goes out to you, no one can begin to know what you are feeling or really know what the right words are to help you on the road to healing. We all have disappointments and heartbreaks through our lives. The sad thing is some of them could have been prevented and others are our destiny to experience.
Nothing I can say to you will take away your pain, and anger. I can say I BELIEVE in time you will begin to heal, and your heart will mend and your soul will become whole again. In time this situation will be a bitter memory. Then it will become a lesson learned in time.
My special wish to you Ms. Behave....never lose faith in yourself, try to have hope, don't forget to dream. Believe and love yourself! I send you strength and energy to find the beauty in life! In yourself!

A note to Castor: I send energy your way in the hopes you find a path that will lead you to selflessness. Be aware that although you may not be intentional in the pain you've caused, you need to ammend your wrongdoings......

[Drisel]

This poem was given to me and now I will pass it on to you. I hope it helps you as much as it did me.
Hope, will you ever return?

I cover my head to muffle the sound of the alarm clock as it breaks the silence between yesterday and today.
I pray.
Hope, please come back.

I taste the pain of your absence as a tear falls past my lips to my pillow and evaporates in the heat of the sun.
Sunlight?
Has it always felt this warm and comforting?
Funny, but I don't remember.

I feel something familiar in the gentle breeze as it caresses my face.
Oh!
Peaceful wind, how long has it been since you wrapped me in such softness?

The fragrance of waking flowers fills the room as they rise to greet the morning.
Were they blooming yesterday?
I must have missed that too.
I pray.

The sounds of rush-hour traffic are hushed by a sweet symphony.
Birds?
How long have you been nesting near my window?

My eyes follow the yellow rays of early morning as they fill the room and rest on the silent, white canvas leaning against my dusty color box.
I wonder.

How long have your threads yearned for a stroke of green?
I whisper.
Hope?
In this moment, this one glorious instant in time I know beyond all reasoning....

Hope has returned

[Hoot]

Sending you love and energy for strength.

[Mab]

Oh Honey. Oh I'm so sorry. (((((((ms.behave))))))))) mega hugs, angel. I can only imagine how much you hurt. I've been in similar situations as you, sweetie, and I know you feel like you're going to go insane or die one. Sending sooooooooooo much love & healing energy your way.

[turtlerain46]

:wah: Gosh I'm such a weeper. Girl I send you all the healing and emotional strength I can muster. You know this only means that there is someone out there better who's going to treat you like the quenn you are. A friend once told me a metaphor on how women are the apples on a tree. Most men will just grab the ones near the bottom or on the ground because it's easier. But that all the really good apples are at the top and take work to get to. Know that YOUR A GOOD APPLE, and one day there's gonna be a man who works his way up to you, and your worth the climb. Here's a poem I wrote and I hope it brings you lot's of strength and confidence. Be the amazon I know you are!!!

Sometimes only the silent speak
Only the blind see
The unseen sharpened by visions and madness
And if I bleed myself free of hope and soul
Could you then take me up and love me
A hopeless being in need of repair
Your form of merciful salvation?
What is this tinkerbox of heart worth to you??
What is my exstacy worth??
Other than pennies in your mind??
Does my strength not suit your palet??
Perhaps you would like somthing softer, and sweeter??
That feeds your appetite for guiltless pleasure.
But perhaps you'll turn me away
Because I don't fit your simple tastes
Because you feel threatened by my mind
and you rarely understand what I'm saying
So I walk and leave you to your little debbies
And find the true connosiour of beauty and taste
Who like the tastes of a strong woman with brains and true beauty

[Pesha]

I will send you healing and love and energies to look to the future and see you are not alone and are loved by many. I will send you strength to accept what has gone beore you and for you to endure and learn and know. Y9u are a beloved child of the Universe and as such entitle to all it has to offer you. I send you hugs and love and light Cynthia. You are worth so much to so many. Please know that.

BB
DS.

[ms.behave]

There is nothing more beautiful in this universe than the healing touch of words. I have printed off this messge thread and will carry it with me whenever i need some uplifting. Jenne and Morrigen, thank you for your advice.. i know what i need to do inside but sometimes its better to have someone else tell it to you, (even if you dont know these people..=]) thank you. TeaLeaf, Hoot, Ryer Shannara and Dragonsinger, thank you for your beautiful and comforting words. Drisel and Turtlerin46, thank you for the beautiful poems and energy. I want to let you all know that this is all for the best, no matter if i am upset right now or not because there has been very negative and disrespecting behaviour in the past on his part and i always took him back. Even when if ment that i would loose friends and the respect of others. The gods have given me numerious signs and opportunities to leave, but i always stayed. Being in the hospital alone for those three days was a very scary part of my life but opened my eyes to see who was in that room with me, and well, it wasnt him. The last phonecall i received by him, i know it had to happen like that because i wasn't strong to do it on my own. Thank-you all for your support, i know that this is just a message board but it means more than you all will ever know to me.

I will end by sharing poem with all of you..



What do you mean it isn’t your thing?”

Words alone cannot express this void of existence you have created
A pool of life now drained of its vibrant simplicity
Useless verbiage of reckless words aimed so piercingly at my individuality
I want to scream and shout and express how this line of thinking disrupts all that I am
I believe in the right to see people as people- vessels that deserve care
To hold and adore those that dream of idealistic ways- so you claimed
Sexual relation need not define our compassion for mutuality of respect

“Look at me”

Was not I your delta of Venus
My towering womanhood never graced your eye
Comfort zones never compromised
There you go- you’ve gone and said it.
The “it” that offends, which brings forth dilemmas of conflicting memories
Hesitation hesitation got to stay cool

“It’s… not… your… thing?”

Well tell me Mr. ****ing Know It All
What’s not your thing?
The “it” of which you speak…
Is that “me”
Have you reduced me to an “it”, a “thing”
Make him shut up
Silence sweet silence, take me away
Paradoxes attached to memories eating at my brain
He loves me
He loves me not
Interlopers pecking at my ideal mate- what the **** is going on?
I want to hate…I should hate

“So what, I’m no longer a person?”

Ripples of hope don’t exist anymore, this pond has been quite still
“Delusion” never a guest in my home, “Reality” my best friend
“Cynicism” tried to get a piece of my apple pie, “Anger” got it first

“Oh NOW I’m just a WOMAN”

So I’m no longer me, I’m this “it” this “thing” just a “woman”
Was I a “woman” yesterday when a dilapidated soul needed a place to rest its head
Was I a “woman” when ‘I need you’ treacherously dove head first from your lips
Was I a “woman” when the offspring of you indiscretions needed proper sustenance
Was I a “woman” last spring when YOUR substance of life stained my floor
I haven’t busted in months because I’m about the “us”
Not about the primal urge of sexual intimacy that pulsates in my…
Well, let's keep this PG13
I’ve sacrificed much too much to sit here and listen to some man child coin phrases

“So what NOW am I defined by the contents of my inner thighs?”

Finally the truth- I’m just tits and ass
If my loins are just desirable then they are not an option
Trust baby I know I do it well but I’m more then JUST a “woman”
I am the “person” that stood in your field of misery
I am the “person” that said sex defines not my central being
I am the “person” that paved your way for higher expectation
I am the "person" that has been a stronghold for many MANY moons
I am the “person” that was a beckon of light in an edifice of darkness
I am the “person” that anticipates not your moments of sexual weakness
I am the “person” that took time to say how intense life is because of you
I am the “person” that helped you release the entities of a disturbed childhood
I am the “person” that introduced Idealism into a world of persistent Antagonization
I am the “person” that kept your persona robust with possibilities when mine was decade
Distractions distractions I need damage control- I will not loose this one I love

“Please don’t do this!”

What am I saying

“Give it another week!”

Has my fortitude of self respect crumbled

“We’ll make it through this- I promise”

Is that a tear running down cheek

“I love…”

Hard wood floor now at my knees

“I love…”

Eyes shut
Hands to face
**** damage control

“I love everything about me”

**** metaphors and allusions
I am who I am

“Please leave”

A meadow of overflowing emotions I was
First integration
Second sabotage
Now a waste land of erosion scared in a moment’s time
Noses stuck in a business thought private
How can something so simple as a relationship get left by the way side
Female or Male I have not the preference
My only care is to care.
But I come first!

"I SAID GET THE **** OUT!"


Goodnight,

Cynthia

[Teshuva3D]

The power of your soul,your words...the eloquence of YOU!!!!
While I was reading your poem...it was like reading the words of an angered and wronged GODDESS!!!!
If you turn even HALF of that power towards protecting yourself and your sanity,and your sacredness then you WILL NEVER allow someone unworthy into your heart ever again..
Please,please, re-read the poem you wrote over and over..every time you feel weak or lacking in self love...and no slime ball will ever be allowed near your feet again dear heart.
MANY many prayers and Blessings to you...
Tesh
I'm actually covered in goosebumps after reading that poem...and teary eyed...
No wonder that cur couldn't handle being near you...and a good thing too for your own precious sake...

[Teshuva3D]

Oh Cynthia. Darlin', you are worth more than that waste of skin who did that to you, way more. Don't let his selfishness eat at you til there's nothing left. You have been given a second chance, from what I can see--and you are well rid of this vermin. (and I'm sorry, but anyone who would do that to another human who he'd impregnated is definitely not a nice guy...rather the opposite, imho!)

:hugz:--healing and spiritual. I hope you can heal and find peace in this situation. Stay the hell away from him. Arrange for him to pick up his crap when you are not there so you don't have to deal with him. I hope you can move beyond this, too. He did NOT deserve all the best you had to give.

Sending you peace and love...
Ditto this....

[Teshuva3D]

:
Sometimes only the silent speak
Only the blind see
The unseen sharpened by visions and madness
And if I bleed myself free of hope and soul
Could you then take me up and love me
A hopeless being in need of repair
Your form of merciful salvation?
What is this tinkerbox of heart worth to you??
What is my exstacy worth??
Other than pennies in your mind??
Does my strength not suit your palet??
Perhaps you would like somthing softer, and sweeter??
That feeds your appetite for guiltless pleasure.
But perhaps you'll turn me away
Because I don't fit your simple tastes
Because you feel threatened by my mind
and you rarely understand what I'm saying
So I walk and leave you to your little debbies
And find the true connosiour of beauty and taste
Who like the tastes of a strong woman with brains and true beauty
Turtlerain....your poem is awesome too...
(All these amazon Goddesses running about with their words of power and flame!!! I didn't know I was at an invocation of the Lady..lol...)