Rape Support Group **Possible MATURE Content**

[Romani Vixen]

There have been a few threads about rape. I know that a number of us have been.

So, here's our own little venting board... let it out... and know that you are loved.

[Tzhebee]

Hmmmm, I don't know that I'm ready to let it all out here....but just wanted to say that should anyone need to talk, I am always available!!! Just know that you are not alone, and that people care.

Good idea, BTW. :D

[Dextra]

Hmmmm, I don't know that I'm ready to let it all out here....but just wanted to say that should anyone need to talk, I am always available!!! Just know that you are not alone, and that people care.

Good idea, BTW. :D

Ditto. With the exception that I've made peace with my situation. I'm here if anyone wants to talk over PM. I'm just not comfortable talking about it in a public sense though. :)

[Kadynas]

Same here... I've gotten to a place where I can deal with what happened. :) But like the others I'm more than willing to help anyone who wants to talk. :hugz:

[Psyche Ague]

I, too, want to make myself available for anyone who wants to PM. Perhaps this subject is not great for this message board, but we are all human and this really does happen more than anyone would like to admit. Please feel free to contact me.

[Boogins]

Same here... I've gotten to a place where I can deal with what happened. :) But like the others I'm more than willing to help anyone who wants to talk. :hugz:

I'm there too. Getting together with my current boyfriend made all the difference in the world for me, because he was sexually abused when he was 12; I think we helped each other through a lot. Still, it's one thing talking with him, another thing here.

But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the opportunity. Or the friendship. :hugz: to you all.

[nomadicdragon]

You know.. I'm there for everyone having been through the same thing with my oldest brother when I was 10. I was thinking aobut this today after talking with my other brother. One thing I hate is that sometimes my family just doesn't understand why I don't feel ok beign around him.. even though it happened like 15 years ago. I don't hate him. I know that he was repeating a cycle that had been done to him, not that it excuses it but I understand the insanity if that makes sense. But even with al lthat it doesn't mean I feel the need to be friends with him and talk to him. I do not want him in my life. Why is that so hard for my family to understand??

[Romani Vixen]

I don't know why they wouldn't understand. From what I understand, if it's a family member, there's usually him vs. her and not wanting to accept that it happened.

It was 13 years ago for me. I've come to terms myself. I can even talk about it. I've only gone into detail twice. Once to the police and once in a paper in my 12th grade writing class.

[nomadicdragon]

Well.. part of it is that my parents are missionaries. We are all 3 adopted and my family, as is most missioanry families has a strange concept of don't tell anyone anything. Everything has to be ok.. and normally your family is all you have... so my independence and insistance and doing what makes me feel safe and happy is a strange concept for my family..

[Romani Vixen]

Some families burry things... how old was your brother when they adopted him. If he was young, they may not want to think about the fact that it may have been something that they did.... or they don't want to feel guilty about not doing something else,, or putting you in danger. so they don't deal with it. This is a fast way to ulsers.

You can't make them understand you. They have to want it.

I'm currious... if you're willing to share... what's your relationship with him like now... you said that you still talk to him..... I havn't seen the jerk sence it happened... I honestly don't know what I would do.

[nomadicdragon]

Some families burry things... how old was your brother when they adopted him. If he was young, they may not want to think about the fact that it may have been something that they did.... or they don't want to feel guilty about not doing something else,, or putting you in danger. so they don't deal with it. This is a fast way to ulsers.

You can't make them understand you. They have to want it.

I'm currious... if you're willing to share... what's your relationship with him like now... you said that you still talk to him..... I havn't seen the jerk sence it happened... I honestly don't know what I would do.

Well.. it happened when i was 10 and he was 16.. till i left home at 18 i had to deal with him and it was very traumatizing. Now, at 24 almost 25.... i have come to a place in my life where most of the anger and hatred have gone and I can see him and be polite, but I won't place myself in situations where I have to deal with him on a deeper level than that. My other brother is mostly understanding, sometimes i think he feels like he needs to fix the situation. he's always been very protective of me.. my parents are just from a different generation. so most of the time i understand that they do not think in the same way i do... but it can be frustrating..

[Romani Vixen]

wow... you're one strong woman...

[nomadicdragon]

wow... you're one strong woman...


I haven't always been.. I like to think it's the dragon in me.. but i came to the conclusion that everything in life happens for a reason, w hat happened to me made me who i am.. and I would not change that for the world... but it was a hard realization..

[Romani Vixen]

I'm with ya... it's a hard conclution to come to. But it was easier for me. I have Megan because of it (well.... my mom does). And I have been able to talk multiple young teens out of having children!! I wouldn't ask for it again... but it has given me insight and strength that I would never have had.

[nomadicdragon]

I'm with ya... it's a hard conclution to come to. But it was easier for me. I have Megan because of it (well.... my mom does). And I have been able to talk multiple young teens out of having children!! I wouldn't ask for it again... but it has given me insight and strength that I would never have had.

Definitely..

[Akatlarion]

Hey everyone , if anyone wants to talk anytime , let me know :)
Im a little nervous in saying so , but I was raped when I was four years old , and I dealt with alot of molestation and sexual harrassment throughout my childhood , I know what its like and I just thought Id let you know

[Kalika]

:hugz: to all. I don't really feel like talking about the past... :) But, its good to know that there is a place to come if I need to.

And... I'm here for support of those who need a shoulder to lean on.

:huddle:

Kalika

[Kalika]

Well.. it happened when i was 10 and he was 16.. till i left home at 18 i had to deal with him and it was very traumatizing. Now, at 24 almost 25.... i have come to a place in my life where most of the anger and hatred have gone and I can see him and be polite, but I won't place myself in situations where I have to deal with him on a deeper level than that. My other brother is mostly understanding, sometimes i think he feels like he needs to fix the situation. he's always been very protective of me.. my parents are just from a different generation. so most of the time i understand that they do not think in the same way i do... but it can be frustrating..

:hugz:

[nomadicdragon]

:hugz:


:hugz: back.. :)

[Psyche Ague]

I just want everyone to know that I really admire those who have come forward (and the many more who have not). I know I said this in another thread, but I'm constantly amazed by the courage and bravery of everyone who has told their story.

Keep strong, survivors, because you're not alone.

[MoonDust]

I was 11 (or twelve my timing's off on it) and it happened until I was 16. It was my yougest sister's father. Ironically she's like my daughter in many ways. My mom and him never married and their relationship fell apart about a year after I gather enough courage to put a stop to it. I told no one and kept my mouth shut untill just recently -about a year ago. I made my peace with it a long time ago. The only reason I said anything is because he was still hanging around visiting my sister. She was growing up and the slightest chance that he could ever do such a thing to her struck me.
So I told my mom and sisters. We cried, went through hell, and started to heal. He's out of the picture now. That's all that matters.

But talking helps with the healing. I've also noticed that by helping others I help myself heal. If anyone wants to talk please feel free to PM me.

[Romani Vixen]

Ok... group hug...

:huddle: :hugz: :huddle: :hugz: :huddle: :hugz:

[Romani Vixen]

I've found that the more time passes... the easier it is to think about. Perhaps that's time dulling memory... I don't know. But time and talking seem to be the best thing... I'm sure that some specifically directed violence would help... but ...

[spirit wind]

It first hapened to me by my older brother, he used me to practice on. I was 6 & 7
Then at age 12 i was gang raped by 5 boys i went to school with. They got let off with a warning.
Then 2 years ago, i was raped by an intruder in my home. He has pled not guilty and i am awaiting a court date.

My parents don't remember what happened to me when i was little and i don't bring it up. I also don't speak to my older brother anymore.
I am also going to drop the charges, as soon as i know how to, as i am not going through it all again!

Does the anger ever die down?

[nomadicdragon]

It first hapened to me by my older brother, he used me to practice on. I was 6 & 7
Then at age 12 i was gang raped by 5 boys i went to school with. They got let off with a warning.
Then 2 years ago, i was raped by an intruder in my home. He has pled not guilty and i am awaiting a court date.

My parents don't remember what happened to me when i was little and i don't bring it up. I also don't speak to my older brother anymore.
I am also going to drop the charges, as soon as i know how to, as i am not going through it all again!

Does the anger ever die down?


I find that with time I have learned to control it..and after that..slowly it dies down..but it takes time.. a lot of time.. :hugz:

[MoonDust]

Does the anger ever die down?
I don't know.
It dulls some with time. But when I look back and think about a certain situation or a certain time and think about the thing he said and did to such a tiny kid. I get mad no enraged. Not as the adult I am, but for the child that was hurt.

Make sense?

I don't see him any more, but there was a time when I had to face him almost every weekend. That time has passed. I could see him now and act as if nothing happened.


Honestly, my faith had a lot to do with it.

[Dextra]

I refuse to stay in 'victim mentality' because that gives power to the abusers, and if someone tried to come at me today, I'd beat the c**p out of them rather than knuckle under. I will not allow someone to ever treat me like dirt again.



Yes, exactly how I feel. My attacker died a few years ago. And when I got the call from a friend of mine, I laughed. Like a madwoman. And made sure I visited his grave. That helped. I stomped and spit on it for a good 10 minutes. I screamed and cursed and got it all out of my system, since I had the captive audience. And I knew, whereever he was, he heard.

I'm lucky, in a sense, that this man wasn't able to attack anyone else after me. I've been able to resolve everything and move on. So many others have to know their attackers are still out there, or worse yet, in their lives. There are times I wish vigilante justice were legal....but I digress.

[Dextra]

It's interesting you say that because I was the same way. This was my stepfather, who was the only 'father figure' I had all my life. And when I found out that he'd finally died, I was ecstatic. I cried, I was so happy. He made everybody miserable, he treated everyone like dirt (my mother left him for a brief time, got pg. with me, and then went back, so he took his anger at her out on me, even though he is legally my father since he's on the birth certificate)...he was a miserable pathetic excuse for a human being who hated seeing anybody else happy because he couldn't find anything in life to be happy about.

My husband and I went out for coffee that day, and I was sitting there, thinking, "You'll never hurt me again because...guess what!!!!???? You're dead!!!!!!" Almost a nah nah nah nah nah thing.

And yeah, I know how you feel about vigilante justice...there's a case in Washington State here right now that makes my blood boil about a multi-convicted sex offender being released from his life-in-prison sentence in CA because his accuser, a young teenaged boy, killed himself before the trial and the 'poor pervert' couldn't face his accuser in court. He was supposed to move back up here (gack) but promptly gave the cops the wrong address (he is a registered sex offender so is supposed to be where he says he's going to be) and disappeared for a few weeks. They got him, but now they're worried that in those few weeks, he may well have molested other kids. He admitted to molesting over 200 kids and has, I believe, three prior felony convictions.

Anyway...let's just say that this case is one shining example of why I'm leery of 'life in prison' sentences...they don't always work.

Yasmine

Indeed. Unfortunately, my attacker was never convicted because at the time, I was too much in shock to press charges. I just left town and didn't go back there until after he was dead. In hindsight, I should have, because I would have felt a greater sense of justice knowing he had died in prison. Since it was only about 4 years after the incident when he died, I felt like karma was working in my favor.

And no, they don't. The entire justice system is flawed. Violent criminals get released everyday, while those that commit non-violent crimes take up that space for years longer. I could go on about that for days, but I won't.

[Nighthawk]

UH, I do not wish to intrude.. I am a man.. I feel so terrible for these things that happen to girls, boys, women, and some men.... I do not understand what we call 'humanity' I will say, that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. After high school, I had a friend of mine come over many, many times and crawl in bed with me... For she was safe from her father. We were only friends, and she needed to be held. I would do that for her. Peace to you all...

[Dextra]

When I told my mother what had happened---which I didn't until I was in my early 30's, her answer was, "I know you were molested, honey, but it was in another life-time." I hate New Age stuff sometimes, people use it as a copout to avoid what they don't want to deal with. If she 'had' accepted what I said, she then would have used the old "but you wanted it to happen to you since we create our own realities" bullsh*t.

So my abuser was never stopped, and I know I wasn't his first victim, and I don't know if I was his last. My mother knew about me, though...she just didn't want to face it. She was not a strong woman and had been abused a lot in her own childhood.

Yasmine :colorful:

Oh, that is such crap..."but you wanted it to happen to you since we create our own realities"...who CHOOSES for that to happen, honestly? If we create our own realities, I'd be sitting on a tropical island with a margarita right now! :lol:

I never told my mother what happened. She knows something bad happened, but I didn't explain and she never asked. I was living in a different state as my mother, and I had called her up after it happened (when I was able to talk...it took me a couple of days). All I said was "I need to get out of here, come get me," and she showed up. She just told me on the trip back that if I wanted to talk about it, she would listen, but she understood if I didn't. Denial's a family thing, I think. Gets passed along somehow or another. Luckily for me, I wasn't in that state for long before I started dealing with it.

[Tzaolunyin]

I completely understand not reporting a rape by someone you know... ~shivering~ ...but wouldn't it be less of an ordeal to convict a rapist who was an intruder? I don't think the defense can claim it was "consentual" ~shivering again~ if he broke into your house....

[Yasmine Galenorn]

UH, I do not wish to intrude.. I am a man.. I feel so terrible for these things that happen to girls, boys, women, and some men.... I do not understand what we call 'humanity' I will say, that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. After high school, I had a friend of mine come over many, many times and crawl in bed with me... For she was safe from her father. We were only friends, and she needed to be held. I would do that for her. Peace to you all...

Some of the most supportive people in my life have been men, Nighthawk. Thank you, and I don't feel you were intruding. These are public boards, and you offered support. Three good male friends of mine were raped, they know what it's like too, male or female, abuse is abuse.

Hugs,
Yasmine :colorful:

[Nighthawk]

That means much to me...Thank you... *hug*

[Tzhebee]

OK, I'll share, a little. It started when I was 6 years old with my step father. He'd watch me in the shower while he pleasured himself...this lasted 6 years, but never got further than watching me dress or shower, he never touched me and never made me touch him. I remember getting a new bathing suit one summer, it was white. I went swimming and he mentioned to me that perhaps white was not the best color because it was now clear...a couple days later, he's drunk off his ass and tells me "why don't you go put on that new suit of yours?" I freaked out, FINALLY something inside my head snapped. I went out the back door, ran to a friends house and called the cops.

Here's this 12 year old girl crying hysterically telling the cops to come pick her up, but I don't know the address...finally my friends mom takes the phone, tells them she'll call back and brings me into a back room to calm me down. I spilled my guts. She contacted my mom (who was at BINGO)...my mom comes over and what does she say to me? "I'm sorry hunny, I read your diary but thought you were just mad at him so I burnt it"

The bitch knew the whole time and didn't do anything to protect me! I went to CPS to see if they would pull me from my home, they did a routine investigation which lasted all of 5 minutes and determined me to be a liar, and left me there. So, now he knows that my mom knows and doesn't care, he knows that CPS knows and doesn't care...so what happens? It gets worse.

Soon he's crawling into my bed at night, then forcing oral sex, then forcing everything else. I learned early on that fighting back was useless because he'd just choke me to the point of unconciousness. I learned to project myself out of my body until it was over, I remember hiding in the corner and watching myself...

At 19, I got pregnant. Yeah, I had a boyfriend at the time...but I didn't know who's it was. When my step-dad found out, he kicked me square in the stomach and pushed me down a flight of stairs, but I didn't lose the baby. He made up some elaborate story about if the baby wasn't my boyfriends, about how I had a one-night stand with some "unknown" service man who was in town for the weekend.

Thankfully, my daughter is not his, I have the blood test to prove it. My step-dad is clean and sober now, and we've talked about what has happened. And I've forgiven him...I'll never forget, but I have forgiven him.

My mother, on the other hand...still has herself convinced that I was just a rebellous teen and made everything up, and that it all stopped after CPS got involved....I've never told her the whole story...and I just can't find it inside myself to forgive her. Of all the people in the world, *she* was the one who was supposed to protect me...and the f***ing bitch knew...

I did a paper in my college psych class on rape victims and how they cope. I still have that paper, the only one I got an A on.

[nomadicdragon]

It's funny.. my father is not the greatest person when it comes to emotions. And being a pastor his way of dealing with things was for him to have me pray for forgiveness after I told them about what my brother did to me. As an adult I have talked to my paretns and they have stated they were wrong. But at the time it was so devstating for a 16 year old to have to do... ((hugs)) some of the greatest influences in my life have been men. in fact one of the main reasons I have been able t o move on is because of a man who took the time to help me and listen to me...

[Boogins]

UH, I do not wish to intrude.. I am a man.. I feel so terrible for these things that happen to girls, boys, women, and some men.... I do not understand what we call 'humanity' I will say, that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. After high school, I had a friend of mine come over many, many times and crawl in bed with me... For she was safe from her father. We were only friends, and she needed to be held. I would do that for her. Peace to you all...

Everyone's right, NH--abuse is abuse, and for the abused, woman or man, often the best help is found in understanding, caring, and friendship from a member if the opposite sex. I know it well; and so does my sweetie.

And you, Gordon, and one of the most caring and understanding people I know. You didn't intrude. Far from it!

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I learned to project myself out of my body until it was over, I remember hiding in the corner and watching myself...

First, there's not much to say to this except I think it's amazing how some of us make it out of childhood alive...or at least...sane. My stepfather forced oral sex too, when I was about 4 years old. I have a severely strong gag reflex, thanks to that little act. (Not to mention that he used to make me put a handful of pebbles in my mouth and talk with them there until he could understand me, to make sure that I learned how to enunciate correctly. Lovely man. He was abusive in so many ways).

Anyway...the thing about astral projecting. That's why I cannot project at will today! I remember going out of my body, up to the ceiling thinking I was getting away from him when he was touching me, and then I looked down and saw that I hadn't really escaped--and boom, hit my body so fast it made me dizzy. Ever since then--around four or five years old--I've had a hard time going out of body because it felt like so much less control than I had IN my body.

Yasmine :colorful:

[nomadicdragon]

First, there's not much to say to this except I think it's amazing how some of us make it out of childhood alive...or at least...sane. My stepfather forced oral sex too, when I was about 4 years old. I have a severely strong gag reflex, thanks to that little act. (Not to mention that he used to make me put a handful of pebbles in my mouth and try to talk with them there, to make sure that I learned how to enunciate correctly. Lovely man.).

Anyway...the thing about astral projecting. That's why I cannot project at will today! I remember going out of my body, up to the ceiling thinking I was getting away from him when he was touching me, and then I looked down and saw that I hadn't really escaped--and boom, hit my body so fast it made me dizzy. Ever since then--around four or five years old--I've had a hard time going out of body because it felt like so much less control than I had IN my body.

Yasmine :colorful:

I have the same problem with astral projection and meditation..

[Boogins]

I can't meditate, but that's just high speed on my part. I went the other way with astral projection; I am, perhaps, too good at it. I wonder if sometimes I just don't use it as an escape now.

[nomadicdragon]

My escape reflex is pretending everything is all right. I'm very good at it.. good enough that even my psychologist when i was younger could not tell when i was depressed and suicidal because i masked it so well.. ahh the joys of being a missionary kid, you learn how to play happy very early.

[Pesha]

It happened to me a long time ago when I was in the Army. I was coming home from the O Club and two guys grabbed me and dragged me behind some bushes. It was really late, no one was around and so they had at me. I was rapped from behind if you get my drift. Well it has been over 30 years now and I still at times flash back to it. It has influenced how I deal with men, my sex life and other aspects of my life. Sadly we may get counseling and forget about it or try to. I tried to repress it but still........I feel for anyone who has ever had to go through this and wantthem to know it is not their fault they were raped. It was an act of viloence against them by a sad and angry and horrid person. Anyway thanks for the thread and for letting me tell my tale.

BB
DS.

[Boogins]

My escape reflex is pretending everything is all right. I'm very good at it.. good enough that even my psychologist when i was younger could not tell when i was depressed and suicidal because i masked it so well.. ahh the joys of being a missionary kid, you learn how to play happy very early.

Ack, similar to the joys of being manic-depressive. Everybody thinks there's a chemical reason to ALL your reactions. Not.

My episodes happened in high school. I didn't get a boyfriend until I was in grade twelve because of the unending problems with my parents (I've discussed that elsewhere).. and then my parents just adored this kid--to the point where, every Friday, they would shove me out the door for our "date". They had to shove me, because every Friday I was getting raped. I finally managed to cut off the "relationship"--and then my parents started inviting him over! They claimed I was mentally disturbed and didn't know a good thing when I saw it. Gods.

Ironically--and I'm not kidding, this creep's last name was "Willing".

[spirit wind]

I feel for anyone who has ever had to go through this and wantthem to know it is not their fault they were raped. It was an act of viloence against them by a sad and angry and horrid person.But see that's the problem i have now. It's why i don't want to go to court. I feel partly responsible for what happened to me. I was to young with the first two to know how to stop it or fight back etc. But the third time... I was bigger than the guy. Everyone asked me why i didn't fight back. I just couldn't. It felt like it was happening to someone else and i was just sitting there watching. Yes, i said "no" as well as a few other choice words but i didn't do anything to stop it. I feel like it was my fault because i did nothing!!! This guy didn't just break into my house, i let him in! Being a trusting sort of person, i beleived him when he asked to use my phone. I thought nothing of it at the time. If i hadn't of let him in, then this wouldn't have happened.

And Nighthawk, you are most welcome in this thread. Please don't think you are intruding :)

[nomadicdragon]

SW, you are not responsible for what happened to you in anyway.. it does not matter the size of the victim or the perp. Intimidation comes in many forms and there is no excuse for what was done... ((hugs))

[Yasmine Galenorn]

But see that's the problem i have now. It's why i don't want to go to court. I feel partly responsible for what happened to me. I was to young with the first two to know how to stop it or fight back etc. But the third time... I was bigger than the guy. Everyone asked me why i didn't fight back. I just couldn't. It felt like it was happening to someone else and i was just sitting there watching. Yes, i said "no" as well as a few other choice words but i didn't do anything to stop it. I feel like it was my fault because i did nothing!!! This guy didn't just break into my house, i let him in! Being a trusting sort of person, i beleived him when he asked to use my phone. I thought nothing of it at the time. If i hadn't of let him in, then this wouldn't have happened.

And Nighthawk, you are most welcome in this thread. Please don't think you are intruding :)

In the first place, if you say "No" that means NO! That means, I don't want to have sex with you. That means, Don't cross the line. No means no, regardless of whether you let him in your house or not.

(BTW: the best thing to do is to ask the person if they want you to call the police to help them...and if a guy doesn't understand a woman saying "I'm sorry, I don't let strangers in my house" then you don't want him in your house--don't feel guilty about saying No if that happens again, okay?).

If you hadn't let him in, he might have broken in. He might have raped somebody else. You are not responsible for his choice he made to hurt you.

Hon, contact RAINN. You can talk with them, they have toll free numbers and experienced counselors who can help you sort through this: their website is http://www.rainn.org and they are a wonderful organization. Their number is: 1-800-656-HOPE (They are the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).

You did not invite him in and ask him to have sex with you, so you are not to blame. If you've been abused before, chances are you're going to freeze and be afraid to fight back--it's a common pattern and hard to break.

Hugs,
Yasmine :colorful:

[Pesha]

But see that's the problem i have now. It's why i don't want to go to court. I feel partly responsible for what happened to me. I was to young with the first two to know how to stop it or fight back etc. But the third time... I was bigger than the guy. Everyone asked me why i didn't fight back. I just couldn't. It felt like it was happening to someone else and i was just sitting there watching. Yes, i said "no" as well as a few other choice words but i didn't do anything to stop it. I feel like it was my fault because i did nothing!!! This guy didn't just break into my house, i let him in! Being a trusting sort of person, i beleived him when he asked to use my phone. I thought nothing of it at the time. If i hadn't of let him in, then this wouldn't have happened.

And Nighthawk, you are most welcome in this thread. Please don't think you are intruding :)
Darling you did nothing wrong. People mistakenly think if you did not fight them off it is your fault. What they fail to see is that sometimes our lives are at stake and sadly you may not be able to fight it off in the preservation of your life. Do not let anyone ever tell you it was your fault for not fighting or for letting someone in to the house. No sweetheart you were a victim and were abused by someone. People need to see rape for what it is and that is a crime of violence againt someone. Men included as men have been raped as well. If hindsight were forethought is the old saying but it is incorrect because we really cannot always see what is coming. Dearone I have my arms around you and tell you that I care and see you as a good person who someone hurt badly. NEVER feel it was your fault.......it was not.

BB
DS.

[MoonDust]

I refuse to stay in 'victim mentality' because that gives power to the abusers, and if someone tried to come at me today, I'd beat the c**p out of them rather than knuckle under. I will not allow someone to ever treat me like dirt again.

Yasmine :colorful:yup

[MoonDust]

Indeed. Unfortunately, my attacker was never convicted because at the time, I was too much in shock to press charges. I just left town and didn't go back there until after he was dead. In hindsight, I should have, because I would have felt a greater sense of justice knowing he had died in prison. Since it was only about 4 years after the incident when he died, I felt like karma was working in my favor.

And no, they don't. The entire justice system is flawed. Violent criminals get released everyday, while those that commit non-violent crimes take up that space for years longer. I could go on about that for days, but I won't.
exactly. I admire women who had/have the courage to speak up right away and get these f*ckers arrested. It took me 10 years to say something to my mom and still I don't have the strength to press charges.
I know it's cowardice. I know I should do my duty and get this a-hole off the streets, but I'm being selfish now and honestly, it's my turn. I won't delude myself and think that I'll be the only one he hurts. I just pray to the Goddess that I am.

I’ve managed to move forward for all these years and I’ll continue to do so. I have family who loves and supports me and I’ve managed to heal enough so that I could love and trust a man. I’m doing good in my estimation.

[savannahrose44]

Rape is never an easy thing to discuss, I myself was 11 years old and in the house of a friend when it happend to me. I still have a hard time talking about it. I don't talk to professionals, I don't trust them, I had 3 different people tell me it was my fault. That tends to piss me off.

[lednevir]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems

[MoonDust]

Rape is never an easy thing to discuss, I myself was 11 years old and in the house of a friend when it happend to me. I still have a hard time talking about it. I don't talk to professionals, I don't trust them, I had 3 different people tell me it was my fault. That tends to piss me off.
those people are just retarded. I'm sorry if you get offended over that, but they are.
You are the victim It is NOT your fault. Rape (sex without your consent) is NEVER your fault. You chose not to have sex with them you are in every right to say no. if they don't listen then they are the trash that's at fault here not you.

I've never spoken to a "professional" but I talk. I talk to help those who need my help, I talk to the Goddess, and I talk to anyone who asks to hear my story. I have nothing to be ashamed of the nasty f*ck that did it to me does.

And I'll tell you the same. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of he does.
If you want to talk PM me.

[savannahrose44]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems

I don't have any words of wisdom other than this. Keep telling yourself this was not my fault, I said no, I will be okay...Don't ever for one minute think that it had anything to do with you. You cannot control the actions of others. I have had great success with self affermations. Every day tell your self...I am....(fill in the blank). It really helps. My heart goes out to you. :hugz:

[MoonDust]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems
:hugz:I don't know about having things blocked voluntarilly. I'd never heard of that. I know I have blocked things that were too terrible. But then they came flooding back years later. The pain was imence. I nearly fell to my knees.

But if you'd like to talk I'm here

[nomadicdragon]

I've been raped twice both by men I loved who just did'nt want to give me time to get wet I ask them to wait and eventually screamed stop.I don't know how to deal with it.My pshcologist says to see a hyptotist because noone can deal with what I've been through.(this and many other things)I'm afraid to have parts of my brain blanked out.I went to a hyptotist and had my mind trained to relax when I touch to fingers togeather but I still have sever stress problems


((hugs))

[savannahrose44]

those people are just retarded. I'm sorry if you get offended over that, but they are.
You are the victim It is NOT your fault. Rape (sex without your consent) is NEVER your fault. You chose not to have sex with them you are in every right to say no. if they don't listen then they are the trash that's at fault here not you.

I've never spoken to a "professional" but I talk. I talk to help those who need my help, I talk to the Goddess, and I talk to anyone who asks to hear my story. I have nothing to be ashamed of the nasty f*ck that did it to me does.

And I'll tell you the same. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of he does.
If you want to talk PM me.

Thanks.

[SilverMaiden]

When I first saw this thread I stayed away from it. In replying. Not because I wasn't attacked I was. At the age of 4-6, 13 and 16. I've had my fair share of attacks.

I've dealt with it, but one thing I haven't pushed to the wayside is the anger. That's by choice. To this day I'm pissed and not accepting of the fact that
1.) Men/boys have a code of conduct to prove their manhood that condones rape and sexual abuse of their daughters, sisters, mothers and cousins.
2.) Women support this conduct in their sons, brothers, fathers and cousins.

We women and our daughters are not sub-standard.

We women and our daughters in no way, shape, nor form deserve to be raped, sexually abused nor disrespected for another's ego.

It's time men and women united to actually do something about it. It's out of hand now. Way to far out of hand.

[savannahrose44]

When I first saw this thread I stayed away from it. In replying. Not because I wasn't attacked I was. At the age of 4-6, 13 and 16. I've had my fair share of attacks.

I've dealt with it, but one thing I haven't pushed to the wayside is the anger. That's by choice. To this day I'm pissed and not accepting of the fact that
1.) Men/boys have a code of conduct to prove their manhood that condones rape and sexual abuse of their daughters, sisters, mothers and cousins.
2.) Women support this conduct in their sons, brothers, fathers and cousins.

We women and our daughters are not sub-standard.

We women and our daughters in no way, shape, nor form deserve to be raped, sexually abused nor disrespected for another's ego.

It's time men and women united to actually do something about it. It's out of hand now. Way to far out of hand.

That is not exactly fair now. SOME men have, but then there are others who would love to castrate these a$$holes for us. And I don't know abou the rest of you ladies out there, but no woman I know or am related to supports this kind of conduct. It is inexcusable. :strike:

[Boogins]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.

[savannahrose44]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.

This is also very true and kudos to you for pointing it out! :)

[nomadicdragon]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.


Very true. Both my brothers were victims of abuse at a very young age..

[Boogins]

Thanks to both of you. This isn't something we can ignore, or we are as bad as those who victimized us.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I must also repeat that men have been raped too, and sometimes that's by women... even women in those much-herald positions of trust, like motherhood. I know this to be true, just as my boyfriend knows this to be true. 'Nuff said.

Yep...and women can be just as bad at abuse as men. Just ask the cops about some of the cases they see.

Yas :colorful:

[Boogins]

We know just what you mean, Yazza. Unfortunately, don't have to ask the cops.

[nomadicdragon]

Yep...and women can be just as bad at abuse as men. Just ask the cops about some of the cases they see.

Yas :colorful:


they are... but you know something that annoys me... it's when people seem to think that just because the abuse is not physical but emotional that it's not abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical or sexual abuse.. It is a personal pet peeve of mine.

[Earthy]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.

[nomadicdragon]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.


((hugs))

[Boogins]

they are... but you know something that annoys me... it's when people seem to think that just because the abuse is not physical but emotional that it's not abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical or sexual abuse.. It is a personal pet peeve of mine.
You're right!

[Gala]

I'm there too. Getting together with my current boyfriend made all the difference in the world for me, because he was sexually abused when he was 12; I think we helped each other through a lot. Still, it's one thing talking with him, another thing here.

But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the opportunity. Or the friendship. :hugz: to you all.

I haven't read each and every post yet. I just want to say that I was abused sexually by a very close family member for probably 4 or 5 years. Until I moved away at the start of the 4th grade.
I always had problems getting close to boys, and then men.
My first husband wasn't supportive at all, he even went so far as to say that I made up how it effected me. He never understood when I wasn't able to have sex.
My new husband is totally the opposite. He loves me and knows that I love him and also knows that how much sex I give out, does not equal my love for him.
He is more concerned with quality rather than quanity.
He also had problems growing up. Several strange things happend to him.

So it depends upon your partner as to how you heal and deal with the issues that stem from sexual abuse and rape.

[Earthy]

they are... but you know something that annoys me... it's when people seem to think that just because the abuse is not physical but emotional that it's not abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as bad if not worse then physical or sexual abuse.. It is a personal pet peeve of mine.

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif

[Boogins]

But we're all with you, Earthy. You've been a great friend, and I'm so glad you've opened up. :hugz:

[Earthy]

But we're all with you, Earthy. You've been a great friend, and I'm so glad you've opened up. :hugz:

:hugz: you have been too,you wouldn't believe how difficult i find it to talk to people.

[nomadicdragon]

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif

:sadeyes: I know wh at you mean.. it was my parents and then my exhusband for me... but I finally reached the conclusion that I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy and if I deserve to be happy then I must be worth something. And if someone doesn't think so.. that is there problem.. I can't conrtol how others feel.. but it's taken several years have climbing up tall hils to arrive at this point and it's still a hard road and sometimes i have minor relapses.. but ((hugs))

[Earthy]

Yea,i have many relapses too.but we will overcome. :hugz:

[Boogins]

Relapses... if I'm not around much for a couple of days, sorry. It's funny how much something like this can both help and hinder.

[Pesha]

I have been reading this thread and posting to it and last night in late hours i woke up due to a night mare about my rape. My goodness it was so long ago that it happened and yet still I have the memories, I have tried to repress. I guess this thread brought it all back to me. It was quite a bad drream. I even remembered when I went to the base hospital and tried to report it and how they looked at me and the first Q out of the dr's mouth was.......what did you do to make them think you wanted that kind of sex with you. My goodness I never even knew them they had been drinking saw me and well they took the oppertunity to get some fun from me. I never asked for it. But I sat in bed holding a cryatal to soothe me and got to thinking about so many other woman and men for that matter, who have been raped and then treated like dirt becasue others thought they had asked for it. I saw a trail on tv one night and the girl had been raped and the defense attorny asked her that same horrid Q. No one ever asks for it. Goodness, why do people have to be that way. Why is it that people generally think if you say you were raped, you are just covering up for something. and the defense attornies go out of their way to make you look like a whore or something. Well I finally calmed down and fell back to sleep. But still this day I think and remember it all and just want to weep for anyone wgho has had to face rape no matter the age or gender. Sighs.........

BB
DS.

[nomadicdragon]

I have been reading this thread and posting to it and last night in late hours i woke up due to a night mare about my rape. My goodness it was so long ago that it happened and yet still I have the memories, I have tried to repress. I guess this thread brought it all back to me. It was quite a bad drream. I even remembered when I went to the base hospital and tried to report it and how they looked at me and the first Q out of the dr's mouth was.......what did you do to make them think you wanted that kind of sex with you. My goodness I never even knew them they had been drinking saw me and well they took the oppertunity to get some fun from me. I never asked for it. But I sat in bed holding a cryatal to soothe me and got to thinking about so many other woman and men for that matter, who have been raped and then treated like dirt becasue others thought they had asked for it. I saw a trail on tv one night and the girl had been raped and the defense attorny asked her that same horrid Q. No one ever asks for it. Goodness, why do people have to be that way. Why is it that people generally think if you say you were raped, you are just covering up for something. and the defense attornies go out of their way to make you look like a whore or something. Well I finally calmed down and fell back to sleep. But still this day I think and remember it all and just want to weep for anyone wgho has had to face rape no matter the age or gender. Sighs.........

BB
DS.


((hugs)) i think that somestimes it's easier for others to believe that we did something to bring on the attack. It makes the whole thing somehow less horrible. It makes the perp be it male or female less of a monster if the victim brought it on in some way..

*sigh* I hate that people cannot see past their fears to understand other's pain

[savannahrose44]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.

Lots of Hugs :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif

Mental abuse is the worst. Both my ex's have done it to me and one still is. Both of them know how to get under my skin. This type of abuse can cause massive amounts of damage in a short period of time that takes a lifetime to repair.

[savannahrose44]

My first husband wasn't supportive at all, he even went so far as to say that I made up how it effected me.

GRRRRRRRRR! My ex said something similar to me once that put me in tears. We were talking with a friend of ours who's gf was also raped and he(my ex)used a very foul word that my rapist had called my over and over again while he was doing it. I told him how it made me feel bawling my eyes out the whole time and he says, "so you think you're the only one who has ever been raped. I was raped too you know when I was a boy and you don't see me f#$*ing cryin over word." His friend freaked out on him telling him he was out of line and my ex just said he didn't care. He made me feel so small. Never in my life have I ever wanted to hurt someone so bad as I did at that moment.

[Gala]

I am sorry that he said those things to you. Rape does something different to males though. He probably was trying to show that it didn't "matter" that he was still "manly".
But guys don't come down on me... I am just surmising...

I think I know what word you are talking about .... there are some words and some looks that just make my skin crawl. Even the tone of voice can bring up memories.

With Kevin I rarely think about it. But it seems that lots of stuff my ex did got to me. It could have been that they were both the same sign.. Or just that I had not sufficently gotten over the molestation.???
I don't know.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Okay, we've pretty much all been attacked and hurt and abused in this thread. What might be a good thing is to ask "What can I do to positively impact my life now, to disempower the effect the abuse had on me?"

What makes you feel strong, what gives you energy to be creative, to be victorious in your life, to feel whole? How do you want to be treated? A lot of times we tend to act out patterns...when abused, it's easy to fall into the victim mentality and let it ride us for years--and it will take some women years to deal with it, no doubt about that.

But if you think about it right now, what can you do--not anybody else but you, yourself--do, that will make you feel stronger, that will reclaim some of that power that gets lost when we're no longer in control and somebody else is doing something against our will?

For myself, I did a lot of rituals "pulling back" my power that I felt I lost to the man who abused me, and the man who raped me, and my abusive ex. I gave a color/form to the power that I felt had been taken from me, and I visualized reclaiming it, calling it back, stripping it out of their hands. That helped me a lot and it was something I could do without having to set up an elaborate circle, though I did do some work in Circle. And after I felt I'd reclaimed energy, I cleansed it thoroughly and took it back inside myself.

I also visualized myself stepping through a doorway in time and confronting my attackers, and I basically beat the s**t out of them psychically and told them if they ever tried it again with me, if they tried to strip my power away again, I'd get them. I noticed a reduction in energy draining away from those old wounds.

And when I was finally ready to move forward, when I felt like I could let it go (though I personally refuse to forgive them--they knew what they were doing and still made the choice to harm/hurt), I visualized myself dropping the load of worry off my back, like a backpack, and walking down a beautiful path, leaving it behind at their feet, leaving them to deal with the pain they inflicted. I decided that since they dished it out, they could clean up the mess themselves.

And lastly, I made the conscious decision that being alone is better than being with the wrong person. That I am strong in myself, and that when other people enter my life, I will only allow those who contribute to my life to be part of it. Reciprocation. I also decided that I would never again compromise myself for anyone on those matters that are vital to my path, my being, my self esteem. Shortly after that, I met Samwise, my current husband, and it's been all good.

We can't ever fully let go of the past, after all, it's made us who we are, but we can walk strong despite what happened to us, and we can make the decision not to allow these perverts to wield any more power over us.

Just a few thoughts...
Yasmine :colorful:

[GEBS]

I don't want to share my story. I'm not ready. But I think it's strange that I saw this today. This morning I was having issues with my memories. Your stories made me cry. Though I'm sorry for your pain, it is comforting knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. :(

[MoonDust]

GreenEyes you share whenever you feel you're ready to. :hugz: If you ever feel like talking please consider me as one of those people you can talk to.

Reading over the posts I've missed replying to all I've wanted to do is just give each and every one of us a hug. I am so sorry for the relapses in memory some of you may have had due to this thread, but please instead of a step back see it as a step needed to be taken so that we may heal. Yasmine is so right take your powere back these a-holes don't deserve one shred of it. it's ours.
Heal. Be stronger. Look them stright in the eye and tell them to F*ck off they can't do anything anymore.

[Yasmine Galenorn]

Heal. Be stronger. Look them stright in the eye and tell them to F*ck off they can't do anything anymore.

Exactly!

Yasmine :colorful:

[Gala]

There is nothing wrong with remembering what was done to you. The key is not to let it rule your life. Remembering is what keeps it from happening again or happening to your children or sisters. Tell it. BUT, let it go.

[savannahrose44]

There is nothing wrong with remembering what was done to you. The key is not to let it rule your life. Remembering is what keeps it from happening again or happening to your children or sisters. Tell it. BUT, let it go.

I agree. If you go through life with your head in the sand and pretend that nothing at all happend, you will end up doing more damage in the long run. The way to help keep this from happening to others is to remember and be strong. Share your experiece with others if you feel so inclined to do so, but don't push yourself to do something you are not yet ready to do. I was 11 yrs old when I was raped and it took me to the age of 16 before I even told my mother. I just wasn't ready. It's still hard to talk about, but I'm finding it easier with every telling. I'm not ready just yet to share with all of you, but I hope the time will come when I feel comfortable doing so. :colorful:

[savannahrose44]

I am sorry that he said those things to you. Rape does something different to males though. He probably was trying to show that it didn't "matter" that he was still "manly".
But guys don't come down on me... I am just surmising...

I think I know what word you are talking about .... there are some words and some looks that just make my skin crawl. Even the tone of voice can bring up memories.

With Kevin I rarely think about it. But it seems that lots of stuff my ex did got to me. It could have been that they were both the same sign.. Or just that I had not sufficently gotten over the molestation.???
I don't know.

I don't understand why some people seem to think that all rape experiences are the same, and have the same effect on everyone. In reality it affects each of us in very different ways. Some of us are much stronger than others. In all honesty I have been raped 3 times in my lifetime, and I'm surprised it hasn't driven me mad by now. All I can do is keep going and remember that 1,2,or 3 creeps in this world dosen't mean all men are creeps. I have found my greatest source of strength and comfort in my male friends. :colorful:

[greenview]

Hello im a survivor! I am not afraid and have talked to many on this subject in public and in private. I have been moving past the sexual abuse by my father for more than 20 some odd years now. That and the fact that i move on alone has been the hardest thing i have done to date. I never knew how strong i really was tell i had a divorce handed to me. Then i realized that i could be stronger than i ever thought. You will always remember and that can be painful but you must look inward to see the truth. Denial is the killer in our futures. Set boundries and learn to trust yourself. You are worth love and kindness.
Im so tired of the dirty little secret that no one talks about. The shame. The blame. SEXUAL ABUSE IS ABOUT POWER. TAKE BACK THE POWER! Tonight was the last night of my group for sexual survivors. It was nice for the first time in my life to be in a room of people and actually feel like i belonged and yet still be saddened. I had long past gone thru all the emotions of the other woman in the room but felt better knowing i wasnt alone. I was told i helped others just by being brave enough to talk about myself without shame or fear. Why in our society do the abused feel the need to hide while the sick deprived monsters have the rights to wonder the streets free to blacken the souls of others?

[Kalika]

:hugz:

To all of you who have shared. I know its hard. :huddle:

Since a good way to get past it is to share, I encourage those of you who haven't stepped up on here... to do so. If you don't feel comfortable posting publicly... please PM me, or one of the others here. I'm willing to listen, to help, to share with you what I can. It helps. Though its scarey to talk to someone about it... it always helps in the long run. Talking to someone who has been there.... is often times easier than talking to someone who hasn't.

As for empowerment... one of the things that has helped me cope, is becoming stronger. Training my mind, my body, my spirit... training all 3 together, in such things as martial arts, or even seperately - helps. Making myself stronger, better, smarter.... helped me overcome a lot of the guilt and pain that I dealt with for a long time. Knowing that I would not again be a victim - regardless of who it was.

[MoonDust]

If you haven't seen may I recomend seeing the Vagaina Monologues. Usually on on HBO, but if you get a chance to see the play performed live all the better. These are stories about women who've over come, who've gotten their power back, and who see and value themselves for the strong women they are. It's incredably moving.

[Romani Vixen]

Yasmine, you hit the nail on the head.

I have to live for me. A lot of times I have to force myself.

I also shed the victim mentality years ago. I will never be a victim again. Because one of us will be dead first.

[savannahrose44]

Yasmine, you hit the nail on the head.

I have to live for me. A lot of times I have to force myself.

I also shed the victim mentality years ago. I will never be a victim again. Because one of us will be dead first.

I agree, the if there is a next time, one or the other of us will be dead, and if there is any justice in this universe it will not be me.

[Kyra Kismet]

When I was attacked sexually by boys at my school all I could think was...Why me??
Now I see that I had the easy end of what could have been something alot worse!

[Kalika]

When I was attacked sexually by boys at my school all I could think was...Why me??
Now I see that I had the easy end of what could have been something alot worse!

:hugz:

Even that's not easy hon.

Thanks for being brave enough to post here!

:huddle:

All of you!

[Kalika]

:hugz:

You go sweetie. :D

[Nighthawk]

My god.... THAT is the most awful thing I have ever heard from a real person.. I am shocked and aplled that "humans" do this... I will say that I am sorry, crap.. what else can I say? It will take time for you , obviously... you have adopted family here, my dear one... *hug* NH

[MoonDust]

skye you are not cursed. You are unbelievably strong. I admire you for climbing out of where you were and working towards a better life.
:hugz: I sit here with tears in my eyes wishing I could just give you a hug and tell you what a wonderful person you realy are. These things are the problem not you.

[skye*]

:hugz:

I really feel loved here and appreciate how caring everyone here is!

I havent been here long and already feel like this is home to me:)

I am writing an autobiography about my life and am not even close to being done, but i do however feel like its important to share my life, maybe it will help others cope, or will help teens who want run away rethink there choices about running and how dangerous it is.


Merry Blessings
:colorful:

[MoonDust]

or maybe running towards a safer place?

[Gala]

Skye you have to be one of the stronges people alive to still BE alive after all that.
Never never let anyone take this away from you. No matter what happens to you from now on, you know you are a survivor and you can beat the all.

[Pesha]

Skye, what a love you are. I would love to read your book when it is done. You have gone thru so much and now you are standing stronger and better and I know you will prosper. Many blessings to you.

BB
DS.

[Kalika]

Ditto on the book Skye. :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

I too would love to read your book. I think it's very couragous of you to write it all down and share it with the world. I think it's going to do a lot of good for a lot of girls out there. :)

[skye*]

I Hope Sharing My Story Helped Some Of You:) It Was Hard To Do I Waited For Days To Finally Tell It. Of Corse I Left Things Out, It Would Be Pages To Tell You All Of The Other Things That Have Happened In My Life.

I Hope I Can Finish My Autobiography Within The Next Yr. Although With A Young Child
Isnt Not Easy To Write Alot But I Feel Like Ive Gotten Alot Done And Hope That Someday It Will Be Published. Ill Keep Ya Posted:)

Thank You For Your Support, And Blessings:)

Merry Blessings To All!!

[Smackthecricket]

Im also avaliable to talk to any one who needs someone as well..

[Romani Vixen]

It happened to me twice..at 12 and at 17.i guess i've kinda buried it but my depression gets real bad,i'm thinking of going back onto tablets,i'm finding it hard to cope,and feel truly ugly.
:huddle:

I've found that meditation has helped me with it.

Also, talking... with friends... yes I have a child. she's 12. Oh, me? 25. ... Yes... I had a child when I was 14... It was rape. ***silence***. But she's MY baby!!!! Some beauty can come out of the most horrible things... though I would never, ever, wish it on anyone.

That's why I started this thread... talking can be wonderfully therapeutic!!!

Why don't you type something out. An essay. I did one for a class in HS. Helped me loads... really... You don't need to post it,,, but you can. If it's graphic, just warn everyone big and bold at the top of the graphic nature.

:huddle:

[Romani Vixen]

You're so right!!
I suffered mental abuse from my ex for 3 years while i was with him,and 2 years since we split up,he has totally destroyed my self esteem,my confidence,trust and whole outlook on life.
It's hard work getting it back. :sniffsnif
You know, I have this feeling that your ex is a moron!!! :)

remember that.... you're so much better than he wanted to make you feel. Don't let him win....

[Romani Vixen]

:sadeyes: I know wh at you mean.. it was my parents and then my exhusband for me... but I finally reached the conclusion that I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy and if I deserve to be happy then I must be worth something. And if someone doesn't think so.. that is there problem.. I can't conrtol how others feel.. but it's taken several years have climbing up tall hils to arrive at this point and it's still a hard road and sometimes i have minor relapses.. but ((hugs))
I'm glad to hear that you climbed out of that hole... even if it's slippery!!!

[Romani Vixen]

I have been reading this thread and posting to it and last night in late hours i woke up due to a night mare about my rape. My goodness it was so long ago that it happened and yet still I have the memories, I have tried to repress. I guess this thread brought it all back to me. It was quite a bad drream.

<snip by RV>

BB
DS.
I'm so sorry to hear about the dream. you know... all those people.... know that they will recieve what they've dished out. All of 'em. Karma... she's a ..... :)

[Romani Vixen]

I don't visualize... as much as see... myself standing around outside... who knows where... he walks up to me and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I turn into a tiger. Full sized Bengal. And I eat him. I then see myself lying on the ground, naked, with blood on my mouth. And a streak of black running through my red hair.

Tiger is my protector animal. They've in this way helped me conquor the inner demon. They've eaten it.

[WiccanFae]

((((((Hugs))))) I too add my name to this list, although I can do so not with shame, but almost with a sense of duty, and as weird at it sounds, pride. Not that this happened to me, but that I am still here, although a little worse for wear. I survived, and to me that means a lot. As for the sense of duty part, I think that rape and abuse are issues that are ignored far too often, but if enough of us yell "It happened to me!" then they can't ignore all of us. And I know that for me, one of the best things that someone could do was show me that I am not alone.

My story is too long and graphic to post, so I will leave it out. But if anyone wants to talk I am here. E-mail is open to anyone, as is my PM.

[savannahrose44]

((((((Hugs))))) I too add my name to this list, although I can do so not with shame, but almost with a sense of duty, and as weird at it sounds, pride. Not that this happened to me, but that I am still here, although a little worse for wear. I survived, and to me that means a lot. As for the sense of duty part, I think that rape and abuse are issues that are ignored far too often, but if enough of us yell "It happened to me!" then they can't ignore all of us. And I know that for me, one of the best things that someone could do was show me that I am not alone.

My story is too long and graphic to post, so I will leave it out. But if anyone wants to talk I am here. E-mail is open to anyone, as is my PM.

:hugz:

[nomadicdragon]

I'm glad to hear that you climbed out of that hole... even if it's slippery!!!


It's a tough road.. but you have to do it. I will be happy. :)

[savannahrose44]

It's a tough road.. but you have to do it. I will be happy. :)

:hugz:

[Kalika]

I don't visualize... as much as see... myself standing around outside... who knows where... he walks up to me and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I turn into a tiger. Full sized Bengal. And I eat him. I then see myself lying on the ground, naked, with blood on my mouth. And a streak of black running through my red hair.

Tiger is my protector animal. They've in this way helped me conquor the inner demon. They've eaten it.
Excellent visual. :p

You know, I think it would neat to make a book, or a flyer, composed of different womens' stories and coping methods... easy to read, easy to follow sort of thing. Even a thread such as that. So maybe those who DIDN'T feel comfortable coming out and talking about it, or asking what to do... could read it and learn... ya know?

[Kalika]

It's a tough road.. but you have to do it. I will be happy. :)

:hugz:

[GypsyGirl]

:hugz: to all here.
i feel like i should add my own story in here, though i'm not sure where to start. i suffered some abuse from a boy back when i was 17. that led to stalking, threats, and eventually a restraining order. i remember it happened right when i was starting to work my way through a 3-year depression. that threw me right back in.
3 years later, i moved out to california. and maybe it was being so far away from home, or maybe just growing up, i realized i was okay. it was january 2002 where i realized i had a choice between being happy and being sad... because when i looked back on pretty much my entire teenage years, it seemed like there was this little black rain cloud.
when my girlfriend and i moved from san jose to where we are now, august 2002, i had a male friend from work help us out, along with some of her friends. wouldn't you know, exactly one week later... he raped me. on my couch.
that was tough. i'm so proud of myself, though... it happened on a thursday. i confronted him at work that next monday. i may not have reported it, i may not have even really spoken about it (i didn't tell my girlfriend until march 2003.)... i let myself feel bad about it for about a day. and then i told myself that it happened, yes, but i can't let it ruin me. that i couldn't go back to that sad girl that i was for so many years.
sometimes it bothers me. not so often, but sometimes. i still see him at work everyday. it was very strange to see his girlfriend and their newborn baby. i hope to goddess that the boy doesn't end up like him.
istill have issues with sexual-ness. i think some stem from that and some from the fact that pretty much anything remotely sexual was never spoken about in my house growing up. to this day, i will not speak about sexuality or anything with my parents, even at 23 years old. it's just... no. it just doesn't feel right.
i think i'm rambling now. but it feels good to talk about it. i know that i could've done things differently, but... what can i say? as hard ofa lesson as things have been, i have to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the time.

--kristen

[nomadicdragon]

:hugz: to all here.
i feel like i should add my own story in here, though i'm not sure where to start. i suffered some abuse from a boy back when i was 17. that led to stalking, threats, and eventually a restraining order. i remember it happened right when i was starting to work my way through a 3-year depression. that threw me right back in.
3 years later, i moved out to california. and maybe it was being so far away from home, or maybe just growing up, i realized i was okay. it was january 2002 where i realized i had a choice between being happy and being sad... because when i looked back on pretty much my entire teenage years, it seemed like there was this little black rain cloud.
when my girlfriend and i moved from san jose to where we are now, august 2002, i had a male friend from work help us out, along with some of her friends. wouldn't you know, exactly one week later... he raped me. on my couch.
that was tough. i'm so proud of myself, though... it happened on a thursday. i confronted him at work that next monday. i may not have reported it, i may not have even really spoken about it (i didn't tell my girlfriend until march 2003.)... i let myself feel bad about it for about a day. and then i told myself that it happened, yes, but i can't let it ruin me. that i couldn't go back to that sad girl that i was for so many years.
sometimes it bothers me. not so often, but sometimes. i still see him at work everyday. it was very strange to see his girlfriend and their newborn baby. i hope to goddess that the boy doesn't end up like him.
istill have issues with sexual-ness. i think some stem from that and some from the fact that pretty much anything remotely sexual was never spoken about in my house growing up. to this day, i will not speak about sexuality or anything with my parents, even at 23 years old. it's just... no. it just doesn't feel right.
i think i'm rambling now. but it feels good to talk about it. i know that i could've done things differently, but... what can i say? as hard ofa lesson as things have been, i have to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the time.

--kristen

I agree with you.. I've had friends ask if I would erase all the bad stuff from my life.. but even thought it was traumatic and horrible.. I must say that I would still go through it if only becaues it makes me who I am.. and it gives me more perspective to be able to help others and perhaps help others get help ... something that I never did..

Nomad

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I agree with you.. I've had friends ask if I would erase all the bad stuff from my life.. but even thought it was traumatic and horrible.. I must say that I would still go through it if only becaues it makes me who I am.. and it gives me more perspective to be able to help others and perhaps help others get help ... something that I never did..

Nomad

Well said, and exactly the way I feel.

Yasmine :colorful:

[Pesha]

I cannot rase the bad from my life, becasue it has shaped me in many ways. Even my rape. I think we have to try and go forward and let the memories lie dormant if they can. But change my life....nope.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

:hugz: to all here.
i feel like i should add my own story in here, though i'm not sure where to start. i suffered some abuse from a boy back when i was 17. that led to stalking, threats, and eventually a restraining order. i remember it happened right when i was starting to work my way through a 3-year depression. that threw me right back in.
3 years later, i moved out to california. and maybe it was being so far away from home, or maybe just growing up, i realized i was okay. it was january 2002 where i realized i had a choice between being happy and being sad... because when i looked back on pretty much my entire teenage years, it seemed like there was this little black rain cloud.
when my girlfriend and i moved from san jose to where we are now, august 2002, i had a male friend from work help us out, along with some of her friends. wouldn't you know, exactly one week later... he raped me. on my couch.
that was tough. i'm so proud of myself, though... it happened on a thursday. i confronted him at work that next monday. i may not have reported it, i may not have even really spoken about it (i didn't tell my girlfriend until march 2003.)... i let myself feel bad about it for about a day. and then i told myself that it happened, yes, but i can't let it ruin me. that i couldn't go back to that sad girl that i was for so many years.
sometimes it bothers me. not so often, but sometimes. i still see him at work everyday. it was very strange to see his girlfriend and their newborn baby. i hope to goddess that the boy doesn't end up like him.
istill have issues with sexual-ness. i think some stem from that and some from the fact that pretty much anything remotely sexual was never spoken about in my house growing up. to this day, i will not speak about sexuality or anything with my parents, even at 23 years old. it's just... no. it just doesn't feel right.
i think i'm rambling now. but it feels good to talk about it. i know that i could've done things differently, but... what can i say? as hard ofa lesson as things have been, i have to believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the time.

--kristen

Wow what an incredable story... I only wish I could have been that strong. :hugz:

[blueiris]

I've never been sexually abused or raped or anything but I have been reading this thread and I just want to say I am amazed by how strong you all are to have survived through those horrible experiences. You provide inspiration for anyone who is going through such a terrible thing.

[nomadicdragon]

I was thinking about this today.. do you ever find you have days where you have these weird side affects to what happened...

Like.. not brushing your teeth.. or not eating.. or obsessively showering or not... not eating or eating too much..

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I was thinking about this today.. do you ever find you have days where you have these weird side affects to what happened...

Like.. not brushing your teeth.. or not eating.. or obsessively showering or not... not eating or eating too much..

Oh yeah, babe. Sure do. For me, it's more anger and O/C needing the house to be ordered and clean...sometimes I'll listen to really wired music to get the emotions out--high energy, hard percussion rock/grunge/techno...it's like the music helps me work through the emotions. When I hear stories of abused kids, it *really* sets me off bad...all I can say is that I'd better never catch anybody molesting a kid because there won't be enough left to mop the floor with. I remember too much what it was like.

*hugs*
Yazza :colorful:

[nomadicdragon]

Oh yeah, babe. Sure do. For me, it's more anger and O/C needing the house to be ordered and clean...sometimes I'll listen to really wired music to get the emotions out--high energy, hard percussion rock/grunge/techno...it's like the music helps me work through the emotions. When I hear stories of abused kids, it *really* sets me off bad...all I can say is that I'd better never catch anybody molesting a kid because there won't be enough left to mop the floor with. I remember too much what it was like.

*hugs*
Yazza :colorful:


Yeah I definitely agree.. it's weird how little things stay with you.

[Romani Vixen]

I was thinking about this today.. do you ever find you have days where you have these weird side affects to what happened...

Like.. not brushing your teeth.. or not eating.. or obsessively showering or not... not eating or eating too much..I'm now a rather sexual creature... and I'm in charge. Period. If I don't even feel that I'm in control (if I'm acting sub. or dom.) I'll go into a flash-back... and that's bad. Odly, it's happened with every man that I've been with, within the first few times of .... "having my way" with him...

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I'm now a rather sexual creature... and I'm in charge. Period. If I don't even feel that I'm in control (even if I'm acting sub.) I'll go into a flash-back... and that's bad.

I, too, went the more sexually-oriented direction rather than pulling back into myself, if that makes sense. I can play sub but only with one I absolutely trust, and my husband is the only person I feel even that close too. I haven't had a flashback in a long time...but they were bad...

Yasmine :colorful:

[Romani Vixen]

I do have moderate PTSD from my experiences. A friend with it, severe, from being in a war (stationed in Somalia) was taught to use sex as a release by some of the S.F. guys... it works... at least for me.

[nomadicdragon]

I, too, went the more sexually-oriented direction rather than pulling back into myself, if that makes sense. I can play sub but only with one I absolutely trust, and my husband is the only person I feel even that close too. I haven't had a flashback in a long time...but they were bad...

Yasmine :colorful:


I think to me it went more physical... After it happened I didn't brush my teeth for like 3 years.. i'm paying for that now as an adult of course..

[celticfire]

i reach out to all of you who have suffered this horror. {HUGS} i was molested for years by my stepfather as a child...and i still carry the scars on my heart and soul. how others heal, i wish i knew...

bb

[Romani Vixen]

(((((((celtic fire)))))

[Grey]

To many of my little sisters have gone through this... and most of them before I knew them, so very young that I feel ashamed that it could be done. My own bad experiances in this area aside, I have never understood how this could be done, or why. *shakes head* my prayers tonight go out to all of you, and I you wish a long and happier life.

[GypsyGirl]

it's frustrating for me. some days i feel very sexual, other days i can't stand to be touched. and i know that alli would never hurt me, but just sometimes... i don't know. it just doesn't feel right to be touched, even though i know that i'm a good person and completely worthy of feeling sexy. and like i said, sometimes i'm fine. but then there'll be times where it'll be a month to two months where i'm just so not into the sex thing. any ideas on how to work through this?

[Lady Andais]

it's frustrating for me. some days i feel very sexual, other days i can't stand to be touched. and i know that alli would never hurt me, but just sometimes... i don't know. it just doesn't feel right to be touched, even though i know that i'm a good person and completely worthy of feeling sexy. and like i said, sometimes i'm fine. but then there'll be times where it'll be a month to two months where i'm just so not into the sex thing. any ideas on how to work through this?

I went though this after each of my rapes. The first was when i was 14 almost 15 and i was almost killed...should have been killed by this boy who was 16 and the boyfriend of the time. I went over there after i found out a friend of mine had died. That is when i met the Morrigan and somehow got away. This one messed me up really badly. I couldn't stand to be touched and killed off my emotions other than sorrow and anger. Time is what got me past this and friends who i could talk to.

At age 16 came the second one. I hate to say this but the second one was a cake walk compared to the first. The physical scars weren't nearly as many and so i healed fairly quickly from this one by telling myself it wasn't that bad. I did lose my fiance over this though because he believed it to be cheating. That is what did the emotional scaring from that one.

The third at age 17 i didn't really deal with but let it wash away from my memory after i threw many glasses at walls and moved straight away from the man. He was my boyfriend of a year. We had broken up and then tried to get back together. He couldn't see that it wasn't the same and even though i said "no" he kept going. This one i didn't fight which is why it bothered me so much for so very long. I was so dumbfounded on how this normally nice guy could do something like this i was shocked still. He was over 3 times my little size of 86lbs and i had just gotten over Mono and so i honestly didn't have the strength to fight a battle i knew i couldn't win. i took it and left without ever looking back.

At age 18 was the last one and this one ****ed me up bad. My uncle got me trapped up in the air at 3600 feet in his private plane. I was forced to fly to plane due to bad weather and so wasn't able to fight him off nearly as well as i would have normally been able. I managed to find my way back to the airport and he snapped out of it for a while long enough to land the plane. We taxied to the hanger and this shit started all over again. At least this time i was able to fight. I'm too small to open the latches for the door and so i got to fight my ass off to keep this man off of me. Finally after he noticed that he was missing a very large chunck out of the muscle by his thumb due to my teeth he got tired of the games. He unlatched the doors and i realized i had my keys locked in the hanger. I had to wait for this man to put away the damned plane before i could even get them. I finally got my keys and have the chance to leave and when i'm getting into my car i hear him say "What's your problem it's not like we are blood" he is married to my mother's sister. That sentence has haunted me to this day.

For months after this last one i was very suicidal and had done SI numerous times. I couldn't be touched for months. Finally with many many long nights and hours i have worked out most of my glitches from these past events. I've come to believe that i have finally dealt with my inner deamons. Yeah every now and again i go back to the glitches and have my bad days but for the most part i am past these events.

The only advise i have for those who have glitches like you can't be touched in certain area's is to find some one whom you deeply trust work with you on these. I for years couldn't have both wrists held with one hand. I had my best friend do this to me time and time again until slowly the reaction grew less and less. Now i don't freak out.

I am 20 years old and will be 21 in August and that is a glimpse of what was my own private hell. I'm amazed every day how far i have come without any professional help at all. I do everything the hard way but in my eyes i am that much stronger because of it and i have alot to be proud of.

Wanders off wondering what others will think about this.

[MoonDust]

Also, talking... with friends... yes I have a child. she's 12. Oh, me? 25. ... Yes... I had a child when I was 14... It was rape. ***silence***. But she's MY baby!!!! Some beauty can come out of the most horrible things... though I would never, ever, wish it on anyone.
good for you for seeing your baby as a gift! Recently my mother and I talked again about what had happened to me. I waited years before I told. My mother and I are just getting to where we can talk to eachother about it. She's blaming herself for what happened. Just like I blamed myself for a while. I'll tell you and everyone else what I told my mom:
Our lives is ours to live. Those people we came across are evil stupid people. We did not chose to come across them, but it is up to us if we decide to let them take over the rest of our lives.


That's why I started this thread... talking can be wonderfully therapeutic!!!
Yes!!

I don't visualize... as much as see... myself standing around outside... who knows where... he walks up to me and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I turn into a tiger. Full sized Bengal. And I eat him. I then see myself lying on the ground, naked, with blood on my mouth. And a streak of black running through my red hair.

Tiger is my protector animal. They've in this way helped me conquor the inner demon. They've eaten it.
:hugz:


Wiccan Fae, GypsyGirl, & everyone else that's posted :hugz:
I know i haven't been in here for a while. But please know that you're all still in my heart and thoughts. I'm just so proud of us. We've survived, we've triumphed, and in the end we will win -not them. Never them. We're too strong.

As far as the sexuality part. With me I did several textbook things. I ate. I ate and ate in hoes that my larger frame would repel men. My large frame served as a man repelent and as armor. Try tackling a 200+ girl who's become obsesed with lifting wieghts and building muscle under that fat. At least that's how I saw it.
One day I shocked me and everyone else when I cracked the car windshield while having my feet rest on it and just stretching my legs.
And all the while I'm flirting and manipulating men with what I've hated most of all -sex.

One day I just woke up. I don't know what it was... time? talking to others? learning about me? I don't know for sure, but one day I said screw all this. I'm going to be me. I'm going to enjoy my life and I'm not going to be victimized anymore. I'm going to stop dealing with guys I don't want to deal with. I'm going to learn how to handle dirty pervs that lear. I'm going to LIVE MY LIFE.

As soon as I started being true to myself I learned to deal with guys. All of a sudden good guys were around me. The a-holes were gone I never spared them a second glance.
I met a guy I liked. As time passed I realized I trusted him. Me. I trusted a man. More time passed and I realized I loved this guy. And this guy loved me right back. Not only that he respected me.
And when we had sex -no when we made love for the first time it was my first time. The real one. The one that I would aways remember and treasure. I can be with him and not be ashamed of my body. I look at hos face when he looks at me and all I see is love.

I look at myself working, going to school, getting my life back together and I'm just so proud of myself.

Just like I'm proud of all of you.

[rain_fallen_tears]

I'm so sorry you've suffered such terrible experiances...I wish there was something I could do to help...I haven't ever fell under such abuse...which I'm thankful for, I only wish you who have been mistreated(the biggest understatement of all time by the way...) didn't have to carry that burden...I'm here for anyone who needs to talk or just a hug. :hugz:

[GypsyGirl]

Our lives is ours to live. Those people we came across are evil stupid people. We did not chose to come across them, but it is up to us if we decide to let them take over the rest of our lives.


*applause*
i'm going to think about that, particularly the last line, on my walk tonight.
i know that i can't let him take away all that's good. and i refuse to close myself off to the world again, because then i lose out on the good stuff, too.

i feel incredibly strong right now. thank you for posting that :hugz:

[celticfire]

yes moondust...thank you for those words...and those of romani vixen as well. i've felt completely alone all my life about this and i see now that i'm not.

bb

[savannahrose44]

I have always had severe nightmares due to my past experiences...until recently I made a dreamcatcher to hang above my bed. It really helps. :colorful:

[MoonDust]

what a great idea!

[savannahrose44]

Okay here it goes. This is not easy for me. I hope you all don't mind if I go into detail, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. If you don't want to read it please dont

I have had a history of sexual abuse in my life starting at age 3. We lived in Alaska while my dad was working on the pipeline. I have very few memories from that age, and the ones I do have are not pleasant. I suffered nightmares all my life due to this. I would dream that someone would come into my room in the middle of the night with a flashlight and pull back the covers. I could never see his face, but I remember him touching me. It was not until recently that I learned it was my father. My sister in Texas shared what he hed done to her when she was little and it was the same story creeping into her room at night and molesting her. It took everything I had in me to keep from wanting to kill him when I found out. He was only blocks away. I was also molested by my foster brother when I was 3 in Alaska.

When I was 11 years old I went to spen the night at a friends house. She was an older woman in the mormon church. Her kids were all grown and she lived alone, so I would go and spend the weekend with her on occasion. That year it was just before thanksgiving and her son and 8 yr old gd(I will not use names) came to visit. At bed time her gd told me that she was scared and wanted me to come and sleep with her. She and her father were in the basement which could only be accessed through the rear of the house outside. I caved in and went downstairs with her. She and I took the hide a bed and her dad another at first. About the time I started to doze off I heard a bottle smash against the wall. Being raised in a mormon family I had never been around someone who had been drinking and did not recognize the fact that he was drunk. I froze like a scared rabbit. I couldn't move I couldn't scream. He picked up some rope that was on the floor and said "if you fight me I'll kill you." He came after me and his daughter jumped on his back and starte pounding on his head with her fists. She screamed "no daddy not her!" I watched him fling her off his back and backhand her so hard her eyes rolled into the back of her head before it hit the wall and she was rendered unconscious for the rest of the night. He came after me again. I tried to get away, but I couldn't move fast enough. He grabbed me and tied me down to the bed spread eagle. I can sometimes still smell the alcohol on his breath. He took a piece of the broken bottle and cut me inside with it. Then he raped me. The pain was so intense I passed out in the middle of it. When I woke he had passed out on top of me. I tried to free my hands and couldn't. This woke him up and he raped me a second time. I managed to get a peice of the broken bottle in my hand and worked on cutting through the ropes. When I was finally free I ran outside in the dark to the front of the house and sat on the front steps and cried. A nieghbor heard me and called the house to wake up the gm to let me in. She had not heard what was going on downstairs because she was on seizure medication and couldn't wake up. He finally got her to answer the phone and she let me in. I ran to the bathroom locked myself in and cleaned up as best I could. I spent the night in the bathroom sitting in the tub. I didn't tell anyone what had happend. I wore long sleeves to hide the bruises, and took some demorol pills I stole from the gm's medicine cabinet for the pain. I went to see a rape councelor through a friend and gave them a fake name so they couldn't contact my family. I was told that it was my fault because I put myself in the situation in the first place. So I turned to the mormon church for help. After all I had been raised to beleive it was a safe place I could turn to. Once again I was told it was my fault that I put myself in the situation, I was a sinner and if I didn't repent I was going to hell. You can imagine what that did to me. I still have guilt feelings over this for the little girl. I knew what was going on and I didn't say anything. I could have put a stop to the abuse I know she must have been going through and I didn't. That is something I have to live with.

When I went to college I met a guy who was also pagan and we hit it off. He knew my background. I was with him for almost a year when he one night revealed to me that it had always been a fantasy of his to rape a woman. When I told him there was not way in hell I was ever going to take part in it, he decided he didn't need my permission and tied me down and raped me. I screamed but there was no one to hear. We were out in the middle of nowhere at his house in the country. His friend showed up when he had finished with me and it was at that point he decieded it would be even more of a turn on to watch someone else rape me. His friend however made the mistake of freeing my hands and feet before he started. I grabbed my bf's athame off of his altar and stabbed him in the arm with it. Not where I was intending to hit believe me. This only pissed him off and he threw the back of my head back against the wall so hard I blacked out. When I woke up my bf had driven his friend to the hospital. I went and climbed into the shower and sat there crying until the water ran cold. This was the second time in my life I was raped and didn't say anything. It set me back years. I had horrible nightmares and waking terrors. It took 2 yrs before I would let a man near me again. My last bf was a great source of support to me. However, we did break up as we are not right for eachother. Also he understood only so far. He too suffered sexual abuse as a child and couldn't understand why I let it get to me. We remain friends to this day.

I am much stronger now. Through a lot of therepy and a lot of love I have emerged from this a survivor, not just a survivor a miracle. I don't know how I lived through all of this and kept my sanity. It would have been enough to kill most people. I can promise you this will not happen again. If there is a next time one or the other of us will be dead.

At 16 I had decided to leave the mormon church for good. It took me years to undo the damage they caused. I had been brainwashed by them since the day I was born. The day I turned 18 I left and never looked back. I had been secretly studying different religons scine I was 16. I finally decided this fit me best. I have not yet found my path, but I feel an incredable sence of love and freedom I never had before. I have found myself through my magical studies and I have felt the comforting arms of the powers of the universe embrace me. I have found a new sence of self and a great source of comfort through my spirit guides. Thank you all for listening.

I encourage anyone who can to share your story. This has been a wonderful release for me. :hugz:

[Tzhebee]

Oh SavannahRose.... :hugz: Believe me, I know how difficult and yet releasing sharing a story like that can be!!!

You are such a wonderfully strong woman! I hope you realize that nothing that happened to you was your fault and that you could not have done anything more than you did to protect yourself! :hugz:

[Nighthawk]

Ummm, SR, that is awful... I am so sorry... and you will be okay...

[Tea Leaf]

Savannahrose44,
I’m so sorry! Reading your message brought me to tears, I can’t come close to imaging what it is like for you.
You are so much stronger and better then the men you spoke of.
*Hugs* If you ever need anything please PM me, I’ll be there for you.

[Boogins]

SR... :hugz: You are one impressive lady.

[nomadicdragon]

So today was one of "those" days for me. What are one of "those" days? Well, that would be
a day where the events of my life actually weigh heavily on my shoulders. Yes, I should have
gotten the "help" that I needed, but really, when you can convince psychiatrist's that you are
ok at the age of 19.. what's the point of going in the first place? One of the most suicidal
times of my life, and I convinced the good doc. that I was fine. I should be an actress, or
a politician. *sigh* I'm mostly happy these days, or at least ok. Today, I'm not ok. It's days
like this that I want to cry, but I say everything's ok instead. It's just easier. How do you explain
that every once in a while something that happened fifteen years ago bothers me...
Of course, it could also be the fact that we're coming up on a year since Tommy left me.. or
I kicked him out whichever way you want to view it. That's a little depressing. Giving almost
three years of your life to someone, and having them say, sorry I don't like the way you talk and
the way you express your emotions. So change, if you love me you will. Uhm no, if you love me,
you wouldn't be asking me.
You know, it's the anger that scares me. Just pure, unadulterated rage.. it's like in you and you have
to hit something.. Normally in my case the nearest wall... but it's pointless, because it doesn't
change anything. I hate blood so I'd never cut myself, tried once and just ended up stabbing myself,
then fainting.. lol.. So I keep it inside until it goes away, and I get headaches and my stomache hurts
and then in a day or two it goes away... for another couple of months. I guess time does make things
go away.. Because every time it's been a little longer than the last, and each time it's a little shorter.
But it's also been 15 years. 15 years of my life and three versions of myself.. who I was the ten
years before it happened. Who I was the first 12 years after it happened and who I am now.. three
years with some semblance of healing.



"Breathe" Melissa Etheridge

Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

[savannahrose44]

Oh SavannahRose.... :hugz: Believe me, I know how difficult and yet releasing sharing a story like that can be!!!

You are such a wonderfully strong woman! I hope you realize that nothing that happened to you was your fault and that you could not have done anything more than you did to protect yourself! :hugz:


Thank you, and yes I do realize now and have for some time that this was not my fault. In retrospect I would like to shoot those people. What makes them think they have the right to make judgements like that. Do they realize they almost destroyed me? Most likely not. All I can do is wait for karma to kick in and bring them their just desserts. I just hope they don't do the same to some else. Thanks for understanding it means a lot to me to know that I am not alone and now that this is out I have somewhere to turn if I need to. Everyone here has been so kind and so understanding. It will not be forgotten. :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

Savannahrose44,
I’m so sorry! Reading your message brought me to tears, I can’t come close to imaging what it is like for you.
You are so much stronger and better then the men you spoke of.
*Hugs* If you ever need anything please PM me, I’ll be there for you.

Thank you, I will. :)

[savannahrose44]

Ummm, SR, that is awful... I am so sorry... and you will be okay...

Yes Nighthawk I will be okay. I am stronger than their memories. They cannot hurt me anymore. Thank you. :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

So today was one of "those" days for me. What are one of "those" days? Well, that would be
a day where the events of my life actually weigh heavily on my shoulders. Yes, I should have
gotten the "help" that I needed, but really, when you can convince psychiatrist's that you are
ok at the age of 19.. what's the point of going in the first place? One of the most suicidal
times of my life, and I convinced the good doc. that I was fine. I should be an actress, or
a politician. *sigh* I'm mostly happy these days, or at least ok. Today, I'm not ok. It's days
like this that I want to cry, but I say everything's ok instead. It's just easier. How do you explain
that every once in a while something that happened fifteen years ago bothers me...
Of course, it could also be the fact that we're coming up on a year since Tommy left me.. or
I kicked him out whichever way you want to view it. That's a little depressing. Giving almost
three years of your life to someone, and having them say, sorry I don't like the way you talk and
the way you express your emotions. So change, if you love me you will. Uhm no, if you love me,
you wouldn't be asking me.
You know, it's the anger that scares me. Just pure, unadulterated rage.. it's like in you and you have
to hit something.. Normally in my case the nearest wall... but it's pointless, because it doesn't
change anything. I hate blood so I'd never cut myself, tried once and just ended up stabbing myself,
then fainting.. lol.. So I keep it inside until it goes away, and I get headaches and my stomache hurts
and then in a day or two it goes away... for another couple of months. I guess time does make things
go away.. Because every time it's been a little longer than the last, and each time it's a little shorter.
But it's also been 15 years. 15 years of my life and three versions of myself.. who I was the ten
years before it happened. Who I was the first 12 years after it happened and who I am now.. three
years with some semblance of healing.



"Breathe" Melissa Etheridge

Home, is a feeling I buried in you, that I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

Oh honey, I have been there and find myself there still on some occasions. These are scars we will carry for the rest of our lives. I cannot tell you what the future will bring other than this....time heals all wounds, some more completely than others. May I suggest something that helped me a lot. Go out into the woods or the middle of a field somewhere that you wont be disturbed and let it all out. Shout, yell scream throw things do what ever it takes. Offer up your troubles on the altar of mother earth and let her aide in healing you. Open yourself up to the endless love of the universe and all creation, let it surround you and carry you away to a place that is peaceful. Have a good cry if that is what you need, throw yourself to the earth and let it soak up your tears and your pain. Let it all out and then take in some of that wonderful energy. I promise you will feel a lot better. :hugz:

[Pesha]

Thank you, and yes I do realize now and have for some time that this was not my fault. In retrospect I would like to shoot those people. What makes them think they have the right to make judgements like that. Do they realize they almost destroyed me? Most likely not. All I can do is wait for karma to kick in and bring them their just desserts. I just hope they don't do the same to some else. Thanks for understanding it means a lot to me to know that I am not alone and now that this is out I have somewhere to turn if I need to. Everyone here has been so kind and so understanding. It will not be forgotten. :hugz:
Reading your story brought chills and tears. You are strong and they did not destroy you. Thankyou for sharing your story with us here. I have found that in the sharing comes a unique healing. The nightmares that came to me just recently stopped finally. My DIL came and asked me why I was shouting and crying at night and so I told her my story. My son of course knew already. Yes the sharing is so important to all of us. For how will those who have not had to endure this horrid experience ever truely know what it has bee and is like for those of us who have endured. Savannahrose darling be blessed in all things and may you know only joy. Be well and feel the healing that is here for you.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

Reading your story brought chills and tears. You are strong and they did not destroy you. Thankyou for sharing your story with us here. I have found that in the sharing comes a unique healing. The nightmares that came to me just recently stopped finally. My DIL came and asked me why I was shouting and crying at night and so I told her my story. My son of course knew already. Yes the sharing is so important to all of us. For how will those who have not had to endure this horrid experience ever truely know what it has bee and is like for those of us who have endured. Savannahrose darling be blessed in all things and may you know only joy. Be well and feel the healing that is here for you.

BB
DS.

Thank you so much. I'm sitting here in tears. I was just overwhelmed with a warm healing energy as I read your message. I don't have words to describe the incredible things I am feeling right now. :hugz:

[celticfire]

you are all so amazing...so beautiful and full of strength and honesty. savannahrose and nomadicdragon...my heart reaches out to you both. yes, there are some really bad days that come and go...and will forever come and go in this life. the wonderful part of that is that there are those, here, who truly care and will send you the love and support in these times.

bb

[savannahrose44]

you are all so amazing...so beautiful and full of strength and honesty. savannahrose and nomadicdragon...my heart reaches out to you both. yes, there are some really bad days that come and go...and will forever come and go in this life. the wonderful part of that is that there are those, here, who truly care and will send you the love and support in these times.

bb

Thank you. :hugz:

[Romani Vixen]

(((((((((((sr))))))))))

[the_red_dragon]

I am so sorry for all of you and i will be thinking of you all, but i do need a little help with something. I personally have not been raped but my best friend has. She is in councelling but i am the only personwho she will open up to and as i said i have not been in the situation. my problem is that i have been doing my best to help her, i got her in councelling and i am there for her 24-7. The issue is she is getting worse and I dont know what to do.

Please understand I cannot tell her parents because her father was the SOB who did it plus her mother took him back into the household knowing full well that it was against her daughter's wishes. In all honesty her family is what is causing her the grief, by saying things (very hurtful things towards her) I will not repeat them because they make me ill to the stomach. I just need to know what advice to give her to cope and if I should suggest that she concider moving out( keep in mind she has no other family in the area) thank you. Please send me a personal message pertaining to the subject.

[savannahrose44]

PM on the way!

[Dextra]

Having talked about this to someone recently, I finally feel like I'm ready to share. I've only talked about it to a small handful of people, so this isn't easy. I'll admit that my experience isn't near on the level of some of the others, and I commend them for their ability to go on and keep living their lives. As hard as it was for me to go on after what happened to me....I can't even imagine how it must have been for some of you. :huddle:

So anyway....I was 19. I'd been on my own for a few years, and through a few strokes of luck, I'd gotten into drawing comics, which led me to starting my own company with a few friends. The company was based in the building I lived in. The building was an old Masonic temple, so it was laid out a little different. First floor was storefront used by a record shop. Second floor was my friend's apartment and a few of our artist's offices. Third floor was the main part of the offices (converted from an auditorium), along with my office, which had a spiral staircase that led up to my apartment on the fourth floor. In addition to the staircase, there were three other doors in my office. One led out to the hallway and stairs, the second went into the boardroom, and the third led out to the converted auditorium. There were several little offices in the auditorium for the artists, writers, marketing, and accounting people. To understand how this happened you need to know the building layout. That and another thing.

I used to model. For artist friends and for extra cash. One of those jobs was for a bondage fetish site. It was fully clothed (one of my requirements) and I often wore wigs. I made sure that I wasn't easily recognizable, in case my family were to come across it. But those who I worked closely with in my company were friends, and were well aware of what I was doing, and it was no big deal to anyone, really. Except someone did find it to be a big deal, apparently.

One night I was in my office working late (I usually worked 12 - 16 hour days), and thought I was alone. Normally, there may be one or two of the artists or writers that would be there half the night working, and that was normal. I'd guess it was around midnight, I got tired and decided to call it a night and go upstairs to sleep. I'd just shut off the light and took the first step up the staircase when I heard the door to the offices open and close behind me. I figured one of the guys was coming to bum a can of soda, or something. I had a little refrigerator in my office that was full of them, so I never locked my office door. When I turned around to see who it was, I was knocked out cold. I came to with someone on top of me raping me. And I was tied up. I could smell this sickening stench of Old Spice and body odor. That's when I knew it was our main accountant. The man always reeked of it. There was no reason for him to have been there at that time. He'd almost always left by 5pm, usually earlier. He'd waited in his office until he was sure everyone else had gone.

He said he did it because of the pictures. Apparently someone had showed him the bondage site. And he had said to me "If you're enough of a slut to do it for those pictures, then you'll do it for me". I don't recall everything that happened. I passed out and came to a few times. I remember him leaving without saying a word. And then I passed out again. My friend Angel found me in the morning. He'd called my girlfriend and they took care of me over the next couple of days because I'd gone catatonic. I just sat there the whole time staring at nothing. I saw Meredith, heard her talking to me, heard her crying, but I couldn't understand what she was saying and I couldn't talk. It was like I was curled up in a little ball inside my own mind and I was looking out of my eyes as if they were windows looking at another world. Finally, when I could talk, the only thing I said was "Give me the phone." I called my mother in Kentucky and said "I need you to come get me. I have to get out of here." She didn't ask why, but she showed up a few hours later with her truck. I didn't say another word for a few days. And I never told her what happened. She never asked, either.

After a couple of weeks I decided that I was going to not let it affect me, that I was going to start over and move on with life. That wasn't easy. And eventually I had to start therapy. But what made it so much easier was when Angel had called to tell me the bastard had died of a heart attack. I laughed in a way that scared the hell out of me. I still feel self concious, whereas before I didn't know the meaning of the word. I have a hard time letting people see me emotional, although that gets easier with time. And now, as I look at the time, I realize it's taken me over two hours to type this. If it were any other story of mine, six paragraphs only usually takes me a few minutes. But it feels good to get it out.

[nomadicdragon]

After a couple of weeks I decided that I was going to not let it affect me, that I was going to start over and move on with life. That wasn't easy. And eventually I had to start therapy. But what made it so much easier was when Angel had called to tell me the bastard had died of a heart attack. I laughed in a way that scared the hell out of me. I still feel self concious, whereas before I didn't know the meaning of the word. I have a hard time letting people see me emotional, although that gets easier with time. And now, as I look at the time, I realize it's taken me over two hours to type this. If it were any other story of mine, six paragraphs only usually takes me a few minutes. But it feels good to get it out.


((hugs))

[Boogins]

Dextra... :hugz: If you need to talk, know I consider you a real friend.

[savannahrose44]

Having talked about this to someone recently, I finally feel like I'm ready to share. I've only talked about it to a small handful of people, so this isn't easy. I'll admit that my experience isn't near on the level of some of the others, and I commend them for their ability to go on and keep living their lives. As hard as it was for me to go on after what happened to me....I can't even imagine how it must have been for some of you. :huddle:

So anyway....I was 19. I'd been on my own for a few years, and through a few strokes of luck, I'd gotten into drawing comics, which led me to starting my own company with a few friends. The company was based in the building I lived in. The building was an old Masonic temple, so it was laid out a little different. First floor was storefront used by a record shop. Second floor was my friend's apartment and a few of our artist's offices. Third floor was the main part of the offices (converted from an auditorium), along with my office, which had a spiral staircase that led up to my apartment on the fourth floor. In addition to the staircase, there were three other doors in my office. One led out to the hallway and stairs, the second went into the boardroom, and the third led out to the converted auditorium. There were several little offices in the auditorium for the artists, writers, marketing, and accounting people. To understand how this happened you need to know the building layout. That and another thing.

I used to model. For artist friends and for extra cash. One of those jobs was for a bondage fetish site. It was fully clothed (one of my requirements) and I often wore wigs. I made sure that I wasn't easily recognizable, in case my family were to come across it. But those who I worked closely with in my company were friends, and were well aware of what I was doing, and it was no big deal to anyone, really. Except someone did find it to be a big deal, apparently.

One night I was in my office working late (I usually worked 12 - 16 hour days), and thought I was alone. Normally, there may be one or two of the artists or writers that would be there half the night working, and that was normal. I'd guess it was around midnight, I got tired and decided to call it a night and go upstairs to sleep. I'd just shut off the light and took the first step up the staircase when I heard the door to the offices open and close behind me. I figured one of the guys was coming to bum a can of soda, or something. I had a little refrigerator in my office that was full of them, so I never locked my office door. When I turned around to see who it was, I was knocked out cold. I came to with someone on top of me raping me. And I was tied up. I could smell this sickening stench of Old Spice and body odor. That's when I knew it was our main accountant. The man always reeked of it. There was no reason for him to have been there at that time. He'd almost always left by 5pm, usually earlier. He'd waited in his office until he was sure everyone else had gone.

He said he did it because of the pictures. Apparently someone had showed him the bondage site. And he had said to me "If you're enough of a slut to do it for those pictures, then you'll do it for me". I don't recall everything that happened. I passed out and came to a few times. I remember him leaving without saying a word. And then I passed out again. My friend Angel found me in the morning. He'd called my girlfriend and they took care of me over the next couple of days because I'd gone catatonic. I just sat there the whole time staring at nothing. I saw Meredith, heard her talking to me, heard her crying, but I couldn't understand what she was saying and I couldn't talk. It was like I was curled up in a little ball inside my own mind and I was looking out of my eyes as if they were windows looking at another world. Finally, when I could talk, the only thing I said was "Give me the phone." I called my mother in Kentucky and said "I need you to come get me. I have to get out of here." She didn't ask why, but she showed up a few hours later with her truck. I didn't say another word for a few days. And I never told her what happened. She never asked, either.

After a couple of weeks I decided that I was going to not let it affect me, that I was going to start over and move on with life. That wasn't easy. And eventually I had to start therapy. But what made it so much easier was when Angel had called to tell me the bastard had died of a heart attack. I laughed in a way that scared the hell out of me. I still feel self concious, whereas before I didn't know the meaning of the word. I have a hard time letting people see me emotional, although that gets easier with time. And now, as I look at the time, I realize it's taken me over two hours to type this. If it were any other story of mine, six paragraphs only usually takes me a few minutes. But it feels good to get it out.

Don't ever think for one minute that your experience is any less important. I can imagine what that must have put you through as I have been in the same shoes. To this day I cannot stand to wear anything on my wrists. Not a watch or a bracelet. Things like this affect us in ways no one can predict. That doesn't make your experience any less. I understand going catatonic. I went partialy catatonic myself. What pulled me out of it was the simpliest of things. I was sitting stareing out the window one day when a sparrow landed on the sill. It was then that I realized not everyone and everything in the world was as ugly and horrible as the things that were done to me. There is beauty all around us and it is natures way of reminding us that we are loved, we are important and we will overcome. My heart goes out to you. You are a beautiful spirit. :hugz:

[rain_fallen_tears]

Dextra...:hugz:
love ya Dex. I'm glad you shared and hope it lightened the burden a little more..

[Yasmine Galenorn]

After a couple of weeks I decided that I was going to not let it affect me, that I was going to start over and move on with life. That wasn't easy. And eventually I had to start therapy. But what made it so much easier was when Angel had called to tell me the bastard had died of a heart attack. I laughed in a way that scared the hell out of me. I still feel self concious, whereas before I didn't know the meaning of the word. I have a hard time letting people see me emotional, although that gets easier with time. And now, as I look at the time, I realize it's taken me over two hours to type this. If it were any other story of mine, six paragraphs only usually takes me a few minutes. But it feels good to get it out.

It can be scary when you realize just how much joy there is when an abuser/rapist is dead. I know, I went through that. Running around the house yelling, "Guess what? You're dead!" Realizing that I didn't even wish karma on him, just the pure oblivion of the abyss--wiped like a slate from all existence.

It's valid, it's real, and we can't deny our feelings. By accepting them, by deciding to go on, to live, to grow, to be strong, to not let the bastards win, we come through to true victory--reclaiming ourselves and our power and our bodies.

From what I've read of all the posts here, the women are strong, they aren't willing to let this continue to wreck their lives even if it takes years to heal...they aren't willing to be victims any longer.

Yasmine :colorful:

[Dextra]

Thank you all. I do feel a little lighter getting that out. :huddle: :)

[savannahrose44]

Thank you all. I do feel a little lighter getting that out. :huddle: :)

:hugz:

[Romani Vixen]

((((((dextra))))))

I don't see anything wrong at feeling better (or even laughing like a maniac) when/if you find out that they're dead. If you read earlier posts, one of my ways of dealing with it was seeing myself become a tiger and eat him.

Perhaps when he died, some of your pain went with him... I don't know.

[WrathofCirce]

When they are dead you know they will never be able to hurt you again. It is normal to experience some happiness or relief, or even elation.

[Tzhebee]

Having talked about this to someone recently, I finally feel like I'm ready to share. I've only talked about it to a small handful of people, so this isn't easy. I'll admit that my experience isn't near on the level of some of the others, and I commend them for their ability to go on and keep living their lives. As hard as it was for me to go on after what happened to me....I can't even imagine how it must have been for some of you. :huddle:
Dex, as was already said, your experience is no less tramatic than any other. I think I speak for all of us when I say, I feel very honored that you felt comfortable enough to share this with us...and if you *ever* need to talk about anything, we are always here! :uhhuhuh: :hugz:

[Antoninus]

I do not have any experience personally with rape, but after spending all night last night on the phone with a friend who was...raped by a person she trusted with her life, there is something I want to say.

Dont ever, under any circumstances, for any reason, give up. Dont EVER give up, if you have to drag yourself beaten and bloody across the finish line, do it. No its not easy to not give up, but if you charge in, sword swinging and shield up, though you may get hurt or die, you will die with honor. Dont lay down in the trenches and just cover up with the world. Because thats not living anymore, thats worse than dying. Dont....ever...give up.

[Gwyndara]

I want to thank you for shareing your thoughts and expierences, this has truely helped me to understand that I am not alone and I am not crazy.
I was only 8 years old when this happend to me, but it still feels like it happend yesterday. He was 16 and a family member(a cousin). Some one I completely trusted, someone who was supposed to have been more than just a realative, but a friend. My mom was at work, my Grandmother was home and I was alone in the basement where I liked to read my books. He came down stairs and violently violated me, and then told me not to tell that if I did he would kill me. He had just proven he could if he wanted to. I never told, until I was 12 and confronted his father with it and then I wasn't ever believed. When I look back on that day I sometimes wish I could just die, but I know I have to move on. I hated all men and still mostly do.
I want to scream and yell and cry and I sometimes do when I am alone. I am now 28 years old and even after 20 years it has not left me. It haunts me. I have nightmares about it even still.
And when I have to go to the "family" get togethers I leave when he shows up, my extended family think I am stuck up because I wont be arround him and I tell my other female cousins not to leave thier children alone with him.
He cornnered me the other day and told me to just let it go, that it was 20 years ago and a mistake he had made. That as a good christian he was seeking forgiveness. A mistake??? Forgiveness??? I don't know how!!! I couldn't say anything my heart was racing and I began to panick all I could think of was OMG I'm alone with him again! and then my husband came over and told him, if he ever caught him talking to me alone, ever again he would regret he was alive. and then my husband took my hand and we left my uncles house and went home.
Can someone please help me to know how to Forgive... I have taken back my life, I live from day to day. I am happy... but this just keeps going back to the past...I can't forget.

[Tzhebee]

I want to thank you for shareing your thoughts and expierences, this has truely helped me to understand that I am not alone and I am not crazy.
I was only 8 years old when this happend to me. I have sat here and tried to type out my story for a long time, but am unable to do so. I'm sorry I can't contribute.
You have nothing to apologize for! :hugz: It is a very serious and emotional thing. And, I can tell you from personal experience...the first few times you share it is sooo very difficult, but it is also like a huge weight it lifted off your chest. So, if you are ever ready to share, we are all here for you! :smooch:

[Gwyndara]

You have nothing to apologize for! :hugz: It is a very serious and emotional thing. And, I can tell you from personal experience...the first few times you share it is sooo very difficult, but it is also like a huge weight it lifted off your chest. So, if you are ever ready to share, we are all here for you! :smooch:

Thank you. I found the courage to share and edited my post.

[Boogins]

:hugz: I hope it helps, Gwyndara.

[David]

Having talked about this to someone recently, I finally feel like I'm ready to share. I've only talked about it to a small handful of people, so this isn't easy. I'll admit that my experience isn't near on the level of some of the others, and I commend them for their ability to go on and keep living their lives. As hard as it was for me to go on after what happened to me....I can't even imagine how it must have been for some of you. :huddle:

So anyway....I was 19. I'd been on my own for a few years, and through a few strokes of luck, I'd gotten into drawing comics, which led me to starting my own company with a few friends. The company was based in the building I lived in. The building was an old Masonic temple, so it was laid out a little different. First floor was storefront used by a record shop. Second floor was my friend's apartment and a few of our artist's offices. Third floor was the main part of the offices (converted from an auditorium), along with my office, which had a spiral staircase that led up to my apartment on the fourth floor. In addition to the staircase, there were three other doors in my office. One led out to the hallway and stairs, the second went into the boardroom, and the third led out to the converted auditorium. There were several little offices in the auditorium for the artists, writers, marketing, and accounting people. To understand how this happened you need to know the building layout. That and another thing.

I used to model. For artist friends and for extra cash. One of those jobs was for a bondage fetish site. It was fully clothed (one of my requirements) and I often wore wigs. I made sure that I wasn't easily recognizable, in case my family were to come across it. But those who I worked closely with in my company were friends, and were well aware of what I was doing, and it was no big deal to anyone, really. Except someone did find it to be a big deal, apparently.

One night I was in my office working late (I usually worked 12 - 16 hour days), and thought I was alone. Normally, there may be one or two of the artists or writers that would be there half the night working, and that was normal. I'd guess it was around midnight, I got tired and decided to call it a night and go upstairs to sleep. I'd just shut off the light and took the first step up the staircase when I heard the door to the offices open and close behind me. I figured one of the guys was coming to bum a can of soda, or something. I had a little refrigerator in my office that was full of them, so I never locked my office door. When I turned around to see who it was, I was knocked out cold. I came to with someone on top of me raping me. And I was tied up. I could smell this sickening stench of Old Spice and body odor. That's when I knew it was our main accountant. The man always reeked of it. There was no reason for him to have been there at that time. He'd almost always left by 5pm, usually earlier. He'd waited in his office until he was sure everyone else had gone.

He said he did it because of the pictures. Apparently someone had showed him the bondage site. And he had said to me "If you're enough of a slut to do it for those pictures, then you'll do it for me". I don't recall everything that happened. I passed out and came to a few times. I remember him leaving without saying a word. And then I passed out again. My friend Angel found me in the morning. He'd called my girlfriend and they took care of me over the next couple of days because I'd gone catatonic. I just sat there the whole time staring at nothing. I saw Meredith, heard her talking to me, heard her crying, but I couldn't understand what she was saying and I couldn't talk. It was like I was curled up in a little ball inside my own mind and I was looking out of my eyes as if they were windows looking at another world. Finally, when I could talk, the only thing I said was "Give me the phone." I called my mother in Kentucky and said "I need you to come get me. I have to get out of here." She didn't ask why, but she showed up a few hours later with her truck. I didn't say another word for a few days. And I never told her what happened. She never asked, either.

After a couple of weeks I decided that I was going to not let it affect me, that I was going to start over and move on with life. That wasn't easy. And eventually I had to start therapy. But what made it so much easier was when Angel had called to tell me the bastard had died of a heart attack. I laughed in a way that scared the hell out of me. I still feel self concious, whereas before I didn't know the meaning of the word. I have a hard time letting people see me emotional, although that gets easier with time. And now, as I look at the time, I realize it's taken me over two hours to type this. If it were any other story of mine, six paragraphs only usually takes me a few minutes. But it feels good to get it out.

Dextra, I've avoided this thread because I hate how so many women go through this. I friends with far more women who have been raped then haven't. I cried reading this. I can only say to you and any woman out there, that I am so sorry that you have to endure such a violation of your soul.

One of these days I think I'm gonna snap and just start shooting about 3/4 of men on this planet.

[Pesha]

I feel in our lives we all have this "thing" that will forever be with us in some way. But in the sharing as I have already said is healing. No one has had a less important truma here. We come and talk and give our love to each other. I think that for me I can forget, but forgiveness is not in my mind when I go back to the time of my rape. I live my life as best I can and have tried not to let what happened shape it in anyway. But I know deep down for me it has. How I see men and interact with them has changed. I do not trust as I used to. And it happened to me over 30 years ago. But I am glad we are all here, and sharing and loving each other. Gwyndara, and Dextra thanks for sharing and trusting us with your stories. HUGS to you sweetheart.

BB
DS.

[Tzhebee]

Can someone please help me to know how to Forgive... I have taken back my life, I live from day to day. I am happy... but this just keeps going back to the past...I can't forget.
Personally, I don't believe you have to forgive him...unless you want to. His attitude shows, to me anyway, that he is not yet "deserving" of forgiveness.

In my situation, I sat down in a very public place with my step-father. We talked about it and he was truely sorry for his actions. I could feel his regret and sorrow for the things he did. It was only after that discussion that I could find it in myself to forgive him.

But, honey, I don't know that any of us will ever forget. All we can do is forgive them and move on, because once you have given them forgiveness, you release the only thing that they still have over you. Even if he is not deserving, you are...understand in your mind that there is something wrong with that man, possibly something that he had no control over and that by forgiving him, you are releasing his hold on you. Do it for yourself. :rubhead:

[Dextra]

Dextra, I've avoided this thread because I hate how so many women go through this. I friends with far more women who have been raped then haven't. I cried reading this. I can only say to you and any woman out there, that I am so sorry that you have to endure such a violation of your soul.

One of these days I think I'm gonna snap and just start shooting about 3/4 of men on this planet.

You know, even though that happened to me, I never was angry at men. I was paranoid, and avoided them for a while, but never angry. I've been hurt by several people throughout my life in many different ways, both men and women. This was a random act of violence. It took me the longest time to realize that it wasn't my fault. It was his fault.

There are a lot of bad people in the world. But I'm content in knowing that the good people out there make those people less significant. I've lived by a phrase I found in (of all places) a comic book. "Things only have the power that you give them." That goes for people too. The more I allow myself to believe that this incident was my downfall, the more I'll believe it to be true. But if I instead focus on the good things in my life, then that incident fades, becomes less powerful. I won't forget it, that couldn't happen, but it's less prevalent in my mind these days, and I'm thankful for that. Not sure where I was going with that, but oh well. :)

[LadyTrinity]

I didn't realize that so many people have been raped on this board. My heart goes out to you all. :smoochypo

[David]

I don't think you could find a satistic on it, but I would bet that more pagan women have been raped at some time in their life then the average. The reason being that most pagan religions empower women, giving them equal if not greater standing then men. It's not surprising that women who have been raped find homes in such an eviroment.

Please... I'm NOT trying to say that ALL women who've been raped turn to a pagan faith, or that all woman who become pagan do so BECAUSE they have been raped. I just think that for many women it is a factor, I also think that is why we have far more women on this board then men.

[savannahrose44]

Can someone please help me to know how to Forgive... I have taken back my life, I live from day to day. I am happy... but this just keeps going back to the past...I can't forget.

In my opinion honey he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. Forgiveness in my opinion is not something that is owed to anyone. They have to earn it. Sexual abusers are sick they have a disease. I know this first hand as it was my father who abused me as a child, and he abused many others as well. He will never stop, and my children and the children of my brothers and sisters will NEVER be allowed to be alone with him. The leopard does not change his spots. Although you have let go of what he did to you it by no means demands that you ease his conscience in regards to his wrong doings. He deserves to be just as haunted by it as you are. And if he is christian and thinks he needs your forgiveness to get into heaven then by all means let him rott in hell! I know I sound harsh, but that is the way I feel. Although I can let go of what happened to me I will never forgive the ba$tards who did this to me. They caused more pain in my life than they will ever know. I know that what goes around comes around and they will get what they deserve in the end. Keep your chin up you are not alone. Please, please, please do not give into the pressures of your family regarding him. You and your children and their saftey are the most important thing. Far more important than the approval of your family. Protect them at all costs. They are precious. This is my opinion take it as you will, but know that you are in my thoughts. :hugz:

[Pesha]

I had a freind long time ago when UI lived in Kansas...well that was four years now. She had been raped and so we were talking to each other about what had happened and why we thought it had happened. I knew it was drunk men who had done it to me but in her case it was an intruder in her ghome and someone she actually knew. A freind of her ex husbands. She told me that people had called her names and did not think she had really been raped becasue she did not fight back. She explained that she had small kids and so she was more afraid of being killed than of rape and so it happened to her. We talked for a very long time. she had many of the same issues as we do here. One thing she di tell me was that in her mind forgiveness was impossible but to forget was something he would be able to do over time. I feel the same. I can forget but I cannot forgive. I am spensing alot of time here today. I feel very close to all of you.

BB
DS.

[Nighthawk]

Gwyndara, the fact that your husband loves and cares for you, and will pull you away from this man is good. He believes you. He loves you. He wants you safe and sound. THAT is good. Forgive this other man? Is that what YOU want to do? I don't give a damn what HE wants... What do YOU want to do? YOU did not ask him to do what he did.... so, all bets are off... I am sorry to break in here, but.... I sure would like to spend some time with these guys.... one at a time..... Uh, better go now.... *hug* my friend, I am so sorry

[savannahrose44]

I had a freind long time ago when UI lived in Kansas...well that was four years now. She had been raped and so we were talking to each other about what had happened and why we thought it had happened. I knew it was drunk men who had done it to me but in her case it was an intruder in her ghome and someone she actually knew. A freind of her ex husbands. She told me that people had called her names and did not think she had really been raped becasue she did not fight back. She explained that she had small kids and so she was more afraid of being killed than of rape and so it happened to her. We talked for a very long time. she had many of the same issues as we do here. One thing she di tell me was that in her mind forgiveness was impossible but to forget was something he would be able to do over time. I feel the same. I can forget but I cannot forgive. I am spensing alot of time here today. I feel very close to all of you.

BB
DS.

I honesty think more women are raped by someone they know than by someone they don't. It makes it harder in a way especially when it is someone you have to face either on a daily basis or once in a while. It is always hard. I myself live about 10 blocks from the house I was first raped in. Everytime I have to drive by it I have a flash. There are many times I have wished I could just light it on fire and let it burn to the ground so I wont have to look at it anymore, but that would not solve anything. The fact is it happened and I survived it. I SURVIVED! For what ever reason life would not let me quit. I am glad of it now for there is so much joy, so much beauty in the world that I have yet to experience.

On another note I do have one not so small problem that came from my rape that I am still trying to overcome. The first time I was raped it was by an African American, and no matter how hard I try I cannot help being terrified to be alone with one of them. I don't have any trouble with the women, but the men. I am not racist I have never been, but I cannot help it. Once when I was at college I was in an elevator with one of them. I was fine until the elevator got stuck and I freaked out. I started to hyperventilate and huddled down in the corner. When he came over to me and asked if I was alright I screamed, "get away from me!" He was confused but he backed off. The elevator started again and the doors opened some time later. As he got off I stood up and yelled "Im so sorry it's not you!" He just kept walking. I huddled back down and cried for an hour there in the elevator. I don't know how to overcome this. Has anyone had any kind of similar experience and what did you do to help? :sadeyes:

[celticfire]

i have divulged my story...yet. there are times when i think i could but when i start to write, i just cannot.*sigh*

i will say this...i cannot forgive my molester/rapist.:( i still feel the hatred burning in my soul because of him. i do not believe i will ever overcome this. its already been almost 20yrs.:( forgetting, that has been the easier of the two for me...i've blocked so much from that time that my memories are sparce that i cannot recall true time.

i cannot offer any insight into forgiving...i'm sorry. my heart won't let me...

[Boogins]

Personally, I don't think forgiveness is a necessity. How can I forgive my parents for placing me in the hands of the man I told them was raping me, over and over again? much less forgive him...

If forgiveness makes things better for you, then forgive. If not, that's just as good. I don't think anyone has the right to say otherwise.

And :hugz: to you, celticfire.

[savannahrose44]

On another note I do have one not so small problem that came from my rape that I am still trying to overcome. The first time I was raped it was by an African American, and no matter how hard I try I cannot help being terrified to be alone with one of them. I don't have any trouble with the women, but the men. I am not racist I have never been, but I cannot help it. Once when I was at college I was in an elevator with one of them. I was fine until the elevator got stuck and I freaked out. I started to hyperventilate and huddled down in the corner. When he came over to me and asked if I was alright I screamed, "get away from me!" He was confused but he backed off. The elevator started again and the doors opened some time later. As he got off I stood up and yelled "Im so sorry it's not you!" He just kept walking. I huddled back down and cried for an hour there in the elevator. I don't know how to overcome this. Has anyone had any kind of similar experience and what did you do to help? :sadeyes:

Did you guys miss this?

[Pesha]

On another note I do have one not so small problem that came from my rape that I am still trying to overcome. The first time I was raped it was by an African American, and no matter how hard I try I cannot help being terrified to be alone with one of them. I don't have any trouble with the women, but the men. I am not racist I have never been, but I cannot help it. Once when I was at college I was in an elevator with one of them. I was fine until the elevator got stuck and I freaked out. I started to hyperventilate and huddled down in the corner. When he came over to me and asked if I was alright I screamed, "get away from me!" He was confused but he backed off. The elevator started again and the doors opened some time later. As he got off I stood up and yelled "Im so sorry it's not you!" He just kept walking. I huddled back down and cried for an hour there in the elevator. I don't know how to overcome this. Has anyone had any kind of similar experience and what did you do to help? :sadeyes:
I can understand what you feel about this. I was a battered wife during my first marriage and he beat on me alot and very badly. To this day if a person raises their hand to close to me for any reason, I flash back on the beatings. I have been known to scream and also to drop to the floor if this happens. So Savannahrose dear, I understand. Sadly I do not know if one ever really gets over something like what you had to go through. HUGS.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

I can understand what you feel about this. I was a battered wife during my first marriage and he beat on me alot and very badly. To this day if a person raises their hand to close to me for any reason, I flash back on the beatings. I have been known to scream and also to drop to the floor if this happens. So Savannahrose dear, I understand. Sadly I do not know if one ever really gets over something like what you had to go through. HUGS.

BB
DS.

I just feel so horrible about it though. It was not their fault this happened to me and I feel terrible for reating the way I do, but I just can't seem to control it. I'm fine as long as someone else is in the room with me and I'm not too close to them...but the minute I'm alone I freak. It makes me feel retched.

[Pesha]

Savannahrose, I sent you a pm hun.

BB
DS.

[Boogins]

Dextra, I've avoided this thread because I hate how so many women go through this. I friends with far more women who have been raped then haven't. I cried reading this. I can only say to you and any woman out there, that I am so sorry that you have to endure such a violation of your soul.

One of these days I think I'm gonna snap and just start shooting about 3/4 of men on this planet.

David... bless you. :hugz:

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I want to thank you for shareing your thoughts and expierences, this has truely helped me to understand that I am not alone and I am not crazy.... Can someone please help me to know how to Forgive... I have taken back my life, I live from day to day. I am happy... but this just keeps going back to the past...I can't forget.

Forgiveness is for those who earn it and obviously he's using his religion as a copout to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions. I will never forgive either my molester OR my rapist (and I knew both of them, too...it's all too common). Neither ever expressed regret for their actions or tried to make up for it in any way. And I know that one of them--my stepfather--had done this before...and I have little doubt that the rapist--my sister's boyfriend--has probably done it again.

I have no reason nor desire to forgive them, they can rot in the fires of Kali for all I care. Forget? You never forget...but you can move out of the pain and fear. It's a long hard road, but it's possible. I think a lot of us get flashbacks now and then, but for me--they don't last as long now. I allowed myself to feel full anger, to let my fury out and to not turn it on myself but direct toward the person who deserved it. I beat pillows, smashed bottles (safely), used my magic to reflect what they'd done to me back on themselves...basically, I refused to allow them to rule my life because then they win in the long run.

One's dead now and I'm thrilled over the fact and feel no guilt. The other--have no idea what happened to him but if I ever met him, or his kind, again, this time it would be different.

I found taking a self-defense class for women only gave me a lot of strength, though it was one of the hardest things I ever did because it forced me to work on those issues. But it made me a lot stronger and it taught me how to scream "NO"...which I couldn't do before.

Hugs, and we're here,
Yasmine :colorful:

[Yasmine Galenorn]

I just feel so horrible about it though. It was not their fault this happened to me and I feel terrible for reating the way I do, but I just can't seem to control it. I'm fine as long as someone else is in the room with me and I'm not too close to them...but the minute I'm alone I freak. It makes me feel retched.

This is a tough situation. I'm wondering if talking to a counselor would help? They might be able to help...this sounds odd but...desensitize you to the fact that he was black. Also, joining groups where you will meet people of other races might help--especially if there are a lot of people around...

Yasmine :colorful:

[celticfire]

yasmine's words have seemed to echo in my mind for the last little bit...'you can move out of the pain and fear'. *sigh*

i don't know where to begin. i don't speak of this anymore...not to anyone. my brother and sister asked some questions the other night that has brought it all back to me...and since then, i've had severe insomnia, a few panic attacks, and have simply felt 'ill'.:( anyway...where to begin?

i don't remember the first time it happened. i've blocked out so much of my childhood that i don't feel i've ever had one. i know i was very young...but i remember one of the very first times vividly even today. i was home with my stepfather, stepsister and stepbrother (my mom was away for the weekend). the ss and sb didn't live with us, just visiting from another state for a few weeks. they were outside, i was watching the wedding of the century (lady di and prince charles)...and dreaming of fairy tales and what kind of wedding i'd want one day. i was lying on my stomache on the floor, resting my head in my hands...just watching the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen when my stepfather laid down beside me. i knew then i was afraid for some reason and when he first started touching my back, i tried to get up and i know i screamed and cried. he was so much bigger than i was...i was a tiny child.:( even now, i can smell him...can feel his hands still...

he pinned me with one hand, i was lying face first in the carpet of our living room floor. he lifted my sun dress and ripped off my underware and raped me. and all i could do was cry and watch the television...watch lady diana marry her prince. wishing i could only be so happy and be as far away from where i was. when he was finished, he held a knife to my throat and told me if i ever said anything, he'd kill me and my mother. my mother was all i had as my real father never bothered to care that i existed. i ran to my room and cried...stayed there for what seemed forever. but my day wasn't over...far from over. that night, my sf and my sb woke me up and i was tied to the bed. my pretty white daybed with little roses on the coverlet and sheets...i remember them talking about how my sf had gotten me ready for my sb (who was about 16yrs old then). and then sf watched as sb raped me and when he was finished, sf raped me again. they took turns throughout the night and next day and i don't remember much else after that.

and i remember another time at a party my sf was having while my mom was out of town, a few guys stayed over after everyone else left. i saw my sf talking to one of his closest friends...whispering in the kitchen. i had gotten up and was going to the bathroom when i saw them. i stood a minute and then went on...when i opened the bathroom door they were standing there. i don't even know his name anymore...its all a blur. i was about 8 or 9yrs old by then...and he pushed me stomache first into the counter/sink and raped and sodomized me. my sf was watching...sitting on the toilet. and when his friend was done, he proceeded to do the same. i was bleeding from being sodomized and when they were done, they left me laying there on the floor...laughing on their way out. that was the first night i tried to commit suicide.

my mother worked third shift and my sf worked 2nd shift as the same place (they were both managers). my mom would take me with her to work, put me in sf's truck and i'd sleep until he came out and we'd go home. on more than one occasion, he'd rape me there in the parking lot before he'd even drive off. i learned to submit...to not fight...and to die inside a little more each time. and then when i was 10, i became very depressed and remained this way for a few months until my mother finally noticed and took me to a therapist. i finally spoke about things after about six months...yes, it took me that long to finally speak about what had been going on for the past 5 years. the therapist called my mother in and demanded i tell her...i couldn't. i knew he'd kill us both. i remember the therapist cancelling the rest of her day with other clients and we remained there until i told my mother. to my horror, she refused to believe me. told me i only wanted to hurt her for finally being happy.:( it broke my heart, i felt betrayed and so unloved. it was then that i became suicidal...and i even prayed for death. but my mother didn't truly disbelieve, i had only planted a seed of doubt in her mind. it was just within a month or two that she came home early one night from work to find my sf and 2 teenage girls in our living room together...high and naked. she backed him out of the house with a gun that night and the next day packed all of our things, called a lawyer and proceeded to apologize to me. she believed if he was capable of what she'd walked in on, then he was capable of molesting her only child. but she never sought to press charges because she felt it would be too traumatic for me to endure.

i am so sorry to ramble on...i've not spoken this in depth about this since my times with the therapist. i just don't know if i should stop or keep going...

i've seen him on one other occasion after my mother kicked him out...i was 17yrs old, working in a grocery store when i heard his voice. i knew it was him...i didn't have to look, but i did. i couldn't move i was so afraid...i had a severe panic attack, an asthma attack, lost conciousness and woke up in a hospital. my coworkers later told me that a man (and described him to a "T") came over to me after i passed out...stood over me and laughed. they thought it was weird for him to act that way...and felt they should tell me. when they asked if i knew him, i could only cry.

i can only pray that i never see him again...i'm so thankful i survived the 5 years of hell he put me through and that i HAVE blocked out the majority of those memories. i'm not sure that i could actually live with them.

thank you all...for letting me finally speak about this. it has been so very hard for me to write (i've been writing now for about an hour or so)...and i appreciate this forum for allowing me to do so.

bb

[Yasmine Galenorn]

yasmine's words have seemed to echo in my mind for the last little bit...'you can move out of the pain and fear'. *sigh*
i don't know where to begin. ....
i am so sorry to ramble on...i've not spoken this in depth about this since my times with the therapist. i just don't know if i should stop or keep going...
....thank you all...for letting me finally speak about this. it has been so very hard for me to write (i've been writing now for about an hour or so)...and i appreciate this forum for allowing me to do so.
bb

First, hugs.
Second...there really are no words to say how sorry I am you had to go through that. That any of us have had to go through what we did.
Third...don't apologize for 'rambling'...remember: you did nothing wrong. You are posting in a support thread and it's okay to do so, it's okay to ramble if you need to, it's okay to tell your story here, you won't be judged as wrong, you won't be seen as at fault, you did nothing wrong.

You have taken the first steps toward healing--you've spoken out. You've reached out for support, and we're here to listen. We understand, in this thread, we know what it's like. You may feel broken now, and I think a lot of us have and some still do...but you can mend. Someone once told me to think of it this way: scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue...more resiliant. That's how I look at my healing process...the scars never go away, but they can make you strong.

Talking about it helps, working it through your system. I might suggest you contact RAINN, it's the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. They have a toll free number, you don't have to give your name...they're there to provide support and suggestions. 1-800-656-HOPE. They also have a website (which is sometimes a little slow to load, so be patient and try again if it fails): http://www.rainn.org/

I wish you so much healing, and much strength, and am glad you felt safe enough to share your story here. It's a thread for strength, as well as telling our stories.

Hugs,
Yasmine :colorful:

[GypsyGirl]

celticfire - your strength and courage is inspiring. like yasmine said, speaking about it is one of the first steps. a friend told me years ago that's it not necessarily the big steps that get us to our destination - that it's all about the babysteps. i've carried those words with me for years and found them to be very true :hugz:

[celticfire]

yasmine...thank you kindly for your caring and support and for your wonderful words. i truly am grateful to have someone hear me finally. i've held onto these feelings for over 20 years now and there are times when i tell myself that hey, i'm 30 now...i should be over this. i have spent years in therapy...and have not been able to overcome these issues. i've seen 4 different therapists in my life...and each one, when they want me to force memories i stop going. i cannot force these memories because i'm afraid they will break me. does that make sense?

i know i'm strong...and all that has happened has made me very independent (much to my husband's dismay).LOL but i cannot force those thoughts and emotions to the surface. i'll lose myself if i do. but there is a local network through rainn here and i will check into that. thank you.

and gypsygirl...{HUGS} and thank you as well. i've talked about these things before to a therapist, but have never talked to them to anyone else this in depth. family (certain family) and very few friends (maybe 2 of my closest) know i've been molested/raped. and now, you all...these are my deepest, darkest secrets of which still terrify me. again...thank you.

bb

[Yasmine Galenorn]

yasmine...thank you kindly for your caring and support and for your wonderful words. i truly am grateful to have someone hear me finally. i've held onto these feelings for over 20 years now and there are times when i tell myself that hey, i'm 30 now...i should be over this. i have spent years in therapy...and have not been able to overcome these issues. i've seen 4 different therapists in my life...and each one, when they want me to force memories i stop going. i cannot force these memories because i'm afraid they will break me. does that make sense?

i know i'm strong...and all that has happened has made me very independent (much to my husband's dismay).LOL but i cannot force those thoughts and emotions to the surface. i'll lose myself if i do. but there is a local network through rainn here and i will check into that. thank you.

and gypsygirl...{HUGS} and thank you as well. i've talked about these things before to a therapist, but have never talked to them to anyone else this in depth. family (certain family) and very few friends (maybe 2 of my closest) know i've been molested/raped. and now, you all...these are my deepest, darkest secrets of which still terrify me. again...thank you.

bb

You will deal with them as you are ready to. I didn't deal with my incest issues until I hit my early 30's...just repressed them. Also didn't deal much with the rape issue until then. It wasn't until I felt safe enough, that I was able to face them.

Don't force it, take baby steps, like posting on this board, like seeing if the RAINN network can help...things come in their own time. Make time for yourself every day, treat yourself the way you want to be treated, your worth is not dependent on anybody else, nor is it affected by what they did to you. Be good to yourself. ~smiles~

*hugs*
Yasmine :colorful:

[AnaRQy]

Tis a sad world we live in where some of our species feel the need to dominate others with force. Unfortunately, that negative aspect exists along with all the good things in the world.

I don't have a story to add here, just wanted to show my support for those whom this thread was started for. I hope you find a way to come to terms with the evil that was done unto you, so you can move on and enjoy your lives in happiness. It wasn't your fault... :hugz:

[Pesha]

celticfire, thankyou for sharing with us. You have strength and grace and we love you. This thread is turning out to be a true blessing.

BB
DS.

[nomadicdragon]

(#*)@$&(*%#.. My parents.. once again gave my brother my emaild addresses... why do they not understand I have no desire to talk to him????

[Boogins]

Thick-headed compassionless a&%%$#@s.

[nomadicdragon]

Thick-headed compassionless a&%%$#@s.


lol.. indeed... ahh well... time to use the powerful block email tool again..

[Boogins]

Right on, sister! :hugz:

[MoonDust]

lol.. indeed... ahh well... time to use the powerful block email tool again..
you read my mind. :T
Keep the negative as far away as possible.

I have a suggestion/request for us. There's a site out there yesican.org it is a great site truly blessed. it's mission is to help those who have been abused. They provide information and help you with the tools you need to heal. Thier goal is to break the cycle of child abuse.
They have a section -I'll just C&P what that section says so you get my point

INSPIRATIONS

Hope is part of the healing process. This page is dedicated to the multitude of ways in which we find hope and celebrate the joy of living and the struggle of the healing process. We invite you to share with us the art, writings, pictures, and moments that have touched your lives and have inspired your healing process.

These inspirations can be found in the picture of a child, a snippet of a journal, writing from the heart, or art work that expresses the sweetness and struggle of surviving.

Please send contributions to yesican@YesICAN.org


Poetry
Art
Personal Stories
Quotes and Insights
Survivor Home Pages
http://66.127.183.74/inspiration/inspire.htm

Like I said before this site is truly great, but this section is much too empty IMHO. I think it woud be very healing to see if we have anything to share with this site or if we can come up with something to share.

[Muireannach]

Never allow them to just walk away. The justice system does nothing so you have to "act in self defence". Kick them in the testicles until they cannot have children. It's an easier way of getting justice. I now know his poisonous seed will not ever grow in a womb.

[Tzhebee]

On another note I do have one not so small problem that came from my rape that I am still trying to overcome. The first time I was raped it was by an African American, and no matter how hard I try I cannot help being terrified to be alone with one of them. I don't have any trouble with the women, but the men. I am not racist I have never been, but I cannot help it. Once when I was at college I was in an elevator with one of them. I was fine until the elevator got stuck and I freaked out. I started to hyperventilate and huddled down in the corner. When he came over to me and asked if I was alright I screamed, "get away from me!" He was confused but he backed off. The elevator started again and the doors opened some time later. As he got off I stood up and yelled "Im so sorry it's not you!" He just kept walking. I huddled back down and cried for an hour there in the elevator. I don't know how to overcome this. Has anyone had any kind of similar experience and what did you do to help? :sadeyes:

OK, so I had a dream about this post over the weekend...and I know it may sound corny, but I'll share it anyway.

I firmly believe that the best way to get over a fear is to come face-to-face with it. BUT it must be in controlled situations and with baby steps.

So for some obsurd reason I had a dream of you on "The dating Game" and it made me think. Perhaps you could get a couple guy friends/aquaintences to call you up on the phone. You can talk to them and be comfortable talking to them, right? Well, then perhaps have them "introduce" you on the phone to a friend of theirs...like 3 or 4 other guys. And have one of those guys be a black man. All you have is the voice, so you don't know. And they are not near you, so you should not have very much fear.

Well, then talk to them for a couple weeks, months whatever. Then once you are comfortable with your "friendship" that you have gotten over the phone, perhaps you can meet them in person-with a large group of your other friends. Maybe if you get to know them, without the fear of skin color to inhibit you, then perhaps you can get over it.

Does that even make sense?

[nomadicdragon]

Never allow them to just walk away. The justice system does nothing so you have to "act in self defence". Kick them in the testicles until they cannot have children. It's an easier way of getting justice. I now know his poisonous seed will not ever grow in a womb.


Well, the only trouble in my case was that I was 10 and he was my 16 year old brother..

[savannahrose44]

Well, the only trouble in my case was that I was 10 and he was my 16 year old brother..

:hugz:

[savannahrose44]

OK, so I had a dream about this post over the weekend...and I know it may sound corny, but I'll share it anyway.

I firmly believe that the best way to get over a fear is to come face-to-face with it. BUT it must be in controlled situations and with baby steps.

So for some obsurd reason I had a dream of you on "The dating Game" and it made me think. Perhaps you could get a couple guy friends/aquaintences to call you up on the phone. You can talk to them and be comfortable talking to them, right? Well, then perhaps have them "introduce" you on the phone to a friend of theirs...like 3 or 4 other guys. And have one of those guys be a black man. All you have is the voice, so you don't know. And they are not near you, so you should not have very much fear.

Well, then talk to them for a couple weeks, months whatever. Then once you are comfortable with your "friendship" that you have gotten over the phone, perhaps you can meet them in person-with a large group of your other friends. Maybe if you get to know them, without the fear of skin color to inhibit you, then perhaps you can get over it.

Does that even make sense?

I could certianly give it a try. Like I said I'm fine when I'm not alone with them...I do have friends who have black friends and we do hang out, but I am never left alone with them. I think a big part of that is my own fear of another "episode" like in the elevator. I would feel horrible.

[Pesha]

Remember Savvannahrose, you are reacting to a truma and so a post traumatic experience is not abnormal. This is something that is going to take time. Give tzhebee's idea a consideration. The elevator time is probably just a one off thing. Remember also Time gives you the tools to work on the problem. We are here for you love.

BB
DS.

[Pesha]

Nomadicdragon, sweetheart, I am hugging you so tight. Get that email blocker going sweety.

Moondust dear that is a wonderful site. Thanks for posting it hun. I am bookmarking it for my own info.

BB
DS.

[Nighthawk]

My dear Savannah... sometimes it is the fear itself that causes more fear. I do not kow how to eplain it.. but, now that you have confronted this, I am doubtful you would do it again. For yo have turned it over and looked at it.. and all. I just feel terrible that anyone has to go through this.. Well, NO ONE HAS to, but they do because of someone else... It just sucks...

[savannahrose44]

My dear Savannah... sometimes it is the fear itself that causes more fear. I do not kow how to eplain it.. but, now that you have confronted this, I am doubtful you would do it again. For yo have turned it over and looked at it.. and all. I just feel terrible that anyone has to go through this.. Well, NO ONE HAS to, but they do because of someone else... It just sucks...

Thank you Nighthawk that makes me feel a bit better. I am trying. :)

[Nighthawk]

I hope it does, but I also believe what I said. *hug* sorry hun..

[savannahrose44]

I hope it does, but I also believe what I said. *hug* sorry hun..

You have my gratitude NH, you have been a tremendous source of support and kindness. No good deed goes unpunished you know. :) It's nice to know there are guys out there who care and who are supportive instead of distructive.

[Pesha]

Savannahrose, darling one lart thought from me.....We all of us had to wake up the next day and say the words.....and then we had to find a way to face it and the fear it made in us. Facing the fear as NH said is important. But you have come alog way hun. You are talking to us here. Fear is the most evil thing. Fight it with all you have and know we fight it with you. You are not alone.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

Savannahrose, darling one lart thought from me.....We all of us had to wake up the next day and say the words.....and then we had to find a way to face it and the fear it made in us. Facing the fear as NH said is important. But you have come alog way hun. You are talking to us here. Fear is the most evil thing. Fight it with all you have and know we fight it with you. You are not alone.

BB
DS.

Thank you. I think I can safely say that we are all fighters here and we have all come a long way... I am healing a little more each day. It has been a long road and it is no where near its end, but the traveling is easier with my companions here at MW. I love you guys! :hearteyes

[Boogins]

We love you too! :hugz: Remember that, and carry it with you.

[Gwyndara]

you read my mind. :T
Keep the negative as far away as possible.

I have a suggestion/request for us. There's a site out there yesican.org it is a great site truly blessed. it's mission is to help those who have been abused. They provide information and help you with the tools you need to heal. Thier goal is to break the cycle of child abuse.
They have a section -I'll just C&P what that section says so you get my point

http://66.127.183.74/inspiration/inspire.htm

Like I said before this site is truly great, but this section is much too empty IMHO. I think it woud be very healing to see if we have anything to share with this site or if we can come up with something to share.
Thank you!!

[MoonDust]

no problem!

:hugz: for all.

[savannahrose44]

There are definately days that are better than others and this is not one of them. I'm feeling really self conscious right now and kinda down. I got a phone call from the gm. She said that her son is coming back into town in a week. She wants me to come and visit her. I politely declined. Honestly I think it would kill the old woman if she knew what he did to me. Oh it gets better. I also had a call from my ex-bf he wants to get back together with me and I told him to f*** off and drop dead. Not a good day.

[savannahrose44]

I think I might kill someone. I got a letter from my 1st rapist today. It came in a plain envolope no return address and it was mailed from Canada. I opened it not knowing what it was and here is what it said.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you. There now that that is over with I can say what I really want to say. I know you wanted it, and I enjoyed f$#*&%! you. Nothing gave me more pleasure than to see the way you squirmed when I cut you. I never knew white meat tasted so good."

The mormon church requires that in order to be forgiven you have to ask forgivness. I know that is what the a$$hole was doing. I want to kill him and who ever it was that gave him my address. I am so angry right now, I'm scared.

[Boogins]

OMG!!! :hugz: Is there anything I can do to help?

[MoonDust]

savanna, he may have asked for it, but it's up to you to give it to him. If you dont want to forgive this... thing then don't.

This doesn't sound like an apology to me this is a boast. Plain and simple the guy is a piece of sh!t and karma has a way of cleaning up pieces of sh!t.

[savannahrose44]

I don't know what to do I'm just so angry. Why does this always have to come back to haunt me. What makes him think he has the right to contact me? Of all the arrogant SOB's ! I'm sorry I'm just really angry all over again...Just when I think I might be able to let this go and leave it behind me Something like this happens and I relive it all over again. I had nightmares last night for the first time in 6 years. I will never forgive him! I will never ease his conscience in that way. He can burn in what ever hell he believes in for all I care. He would certianly deserve it! Him and any other rapist out there. They are not worthy to wipe my boots let alone be forgiven! How dare he?! :rant: I swear to the Gods if he ever comes near me or touches me again he will not live to tell the tale! NEVER AGAIN!!! NEVER!

[Pesha]

I don't know what to do I'm just so angry. Why does this always have to come back to haunt me. What makes him think he has the right to contact me? Of all the arrogant SOB's ! I'm sorry I'm just really angry all over again...Just when I think I might be able to let this go and leave it behind me Something like this happens and I relive it all over again. I had nightmares last night for the first time in 6 years. I will never forgive him! I will never ease his conscience in that way. He can burn in what ever hell he believes in for all I care. He would certianly deserve it! Him and any other rapist out there. They are not worthy to wipe my boots let alone be forgiven! How dare he?! :rant: I swear to the Gods if he ever comes near me or touches me again he will not live to tell the tale! NEVER AGAIN!!! NEVER!
Oh honey, my arms are around you right now. The jerk is a maean and horrid man. I am right now sending you and aura of calm and strength and protection. I cannot even imagin what you must be going through right now. To have this thrown in your face after so long. But darling this I can tell you. You did nothing wrong, remember that. Forgiveness is a choice you make to give. No one can make you forgive this horror of a creature. You own your life now Hannah. No one can ever take the life you made and the strides you have made for yourself away from you. Hannah you are strong and competent and wonderful. You have come so far in the last six years. Stand for yourself honey. Know and feel the strength that comes from all of us here flow to you. You can overcome anything you wish to. Take and give your seld hugs and love and know you are a strong and good woman. You can do anything you choose. Hannah dearheart, feel my hugs.

BB
DS.

[savannahrose44]

Thanks that makes me feel a little better, but I'm still pi$$ed off. I don't know how to deal with the way I'm feeling at this time. I haven't been this angry in a long long long time. I am not by nature a violent person, but right now I really feel like hurting someone or something. I need an outlet or I am going to explode. Not to metion these lovely images that keep popping into my mind. This is the first time in my life I have ever wished someone harm. I don't know what to do I feel lost.

[celticfire]

oh savannahrose...since i cannot send you anymore karma right now...{{{{{HHHHHUUUUUGGGGGSSSSS}}}}}

and lots of love to you!

bb

[DayDreamer]

I don't post often anymore, but add me to the list.

I was raped at knifepoint in my own bed when I was 14, by my cousin - he was 25. I'll spare all the gory details, but it made me doubt my own worth as a person, and as a woman. It's been over 20 years, and I still struggle with the feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. It's a long road to get past it, but I WILL succeed. To fail would give him more power than he deserves.

[savannahrose44]

I just want to say thank you everyone for all of your support. This too shall pass........I think I have had a little time to calm down now and I am in a much better position to deal with this today than I was before. I know what happened was not my fault, and it was just an attempt on this a$$holes part to regain control over me through fear and hatred. I will not let him win. I am strong I will survive this too. Water off a ducks back right? :bigblue:

[savannahrose44]

I don't post often anymore, but add me to the list.

I was raped at knifepoint in my own bed when I was 14, by my cousin - he was 25. I'll spare all the gory details, but it made me doubt my own worth as a person, and as a woman. It's been over 20 years, and I still struggle with the feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. It's a long road to get past it, but I WILL succeed. To fail would give him more power than he deserves.

Oh honey, I feel your pain, but you must not doubt yourself. You are a beautiful strong person and you have great worth in the grand scheme of things. Your cousin is just another insignificant a$$hole like the ones who attacked each of us here. They are only looking for control and power over you. Do not doubt yourself for you just give them the power when you do. You will be alright in the end, but yes it is a long hard road. Look at the way I just fell apart all over again.....*Kickin' myself in the butt* Please if you ever need someone to talk to PM me or anyone else in this thread. We are here for you.

(((((((((((((((( :hugz: ))))))))))))))))

[Nighthawk]

Please tey to remember, it is none of you who have no worth...It is those who harmed you who have none. It is so different to be the receiver of such, and it is awful, but has nothing at all to do with your worth.... Man, I could just so easily kill over this stuff, I swear it....

[savannahrose44]

Please tey to remember, it is none of you who have no worth...It is those who harmed you who have none. It is so different to be the receiver of such, and it is awful, but has nothing at all to do with your worth.... Man, I could just so easily kill over this stuff, I swear it....

Nighthawk you are a true friend. Thank you. :bouncysmi

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

The night before my 17 bday i was raped by someone whom i thought was a friend. I don't want to talk about it yet. I don't know if i'm ready to share yet but when i do i will post here. i am almost at peace with it now but it still haunts me and i believe it always will. I put on a lot of weight after it happened, almost like a defense mechanism i guess. i was't skinny before so as you can imagine i am fairly big now at an xxl size( 22/24). AAAA, to be back at my old size. *sigh*. It's incredibly ard to shift it. It didn't hel that when i went to the sexual health clinic the smear test i had was performed by a doctor whi made it uncomfotable and cold and i was in alot of pain, and the nurse and the doctor were talking abut wage disputes.... that has scarred me and i don't even want to go for my regular check ups now.

[Muireannach]

Feather...That sounds quite awful, a lot of women (including myself) opt to "eat away" the pain so you aren't alone. Find other ways to express your pain. I did it through poety, artwork, speaking about things with those close to me, and occaisionally rigourous exercise to curb my anger.

The one thing I find sticks in many people's minds is the phrase (I apoligze for the language) "Don't let the asshole control your life." Live your life for you and not the memory of your worst point. Conquer him by taking control of yourself and keeping your mind and body healthy. The first step twoards healthy relationships to people in future is to develop a healthy relationship to one's self.

Often the victim feels that if they go on with their life the rapist will feel like "Hey they are doing fine so what I did was acceptable." The one thing I find works well is to imagine saying to him "you tried to ruin my life by raping me, and I just wanted to say, I didn't let you win, there are times when I wanted to die, but I will not give you the satisfaction."

Rape is about power, you have to break the bond that holds to him, the bond is his power over you, and the only way to personal freedom is to take back your power.

In regards to the nurse and doctor what they did was rather cold. I would advise you however to realize that not all doctors and nurses exhibit such behaviour. I would go to a different clinic for regular check ups and try to work past the bad memory. Your health is important.

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

The thing is it's awquard.( sp?).

I had just split up from my first love, and i was taking it really hard.Really really badly. Another friend and i had gone over to stay with a couple we knew in another town. It was gonna be a cheer me up, fun bday weekend. You know, going out , having a laugh, hanging out. This couple have an open relationship and i knew them well. I even had been intimate with them on more than one occasion. The guy is very sexual. The girl isn't as openly outwardly sexual as he is. He would often pull me aside if we were all together and come onto me. I didn't mind it as much, in fact i was very flattered that someone would be that attracted to me. i was very insecure.

Anyway back to the point....I had broken up with my first real love, i was really blue. I had decided that i also wanted to end any kind of sexual relationship with this couple and just be friends. I thought tha would be fine. The guy seemed to understand and i knew the girl would be no problem( she is a lovely girl). I was a little worried about the guy but all seemed to be going well. Well the first night over there( the day b4 my bday) we were hanging out, the friend i had come over with and the other girl went upstairs to the bedroom, to hang out, whatever leaving me downstairs.

We both shared a love of computer games and we played till late.The 2 girls appeared to have gone to bed together upstairs so me and the guy had to share the sofa bed downstairs. . I was worried about this in case he tried it on with me but he seemd perfectly gentlemanly about it. He asked if i wanted to talk about the break up and how i was feeling. He was snuggling me from behind at this point. We started talking and i got very upset. He was still cuddling me and i calmed down eventually. Well he carried on huggling me for a while until i could feel something hard digging in. when i realised what it was i pulled away and layed by the edge of the bed. He came over and started to kiss me. I tryed to pull away reiterating that i didn't want to do this anymore.

He carried on. Then he pulled the cover away and got on top of me. He carried on kissing me and was grabbing at my breasts. I was only wearing a nightie and panties so it was fairly easy to do. I was trying to push him off but he is a 6'3" guy who is very strong so i couldn't get him off. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn't. I was very scared at this point and i started squirming even more to get away. I managed to push myself to the edge of the bed with my head hanging off and he pined me down even harder. ( not painfully but just so i couldnt move.) He pulled my panties apart and raped me on the bed with my head hanging off. I kept asking him to stop but he would go harder and harder. I was very sore. After a while i just gave up asking him to stop because he wouldn't. Finally he stopped, leaving myself to clean up. He rolled over to the side of the bed he was sleeping on and settled there. I got back into bed. I was.. i don't know. In shock. I didn't know what else to do. There was no where else to go. It was way to late toget the train home and i knew no one else. I layon the edge of the bed and tried to get to sleep through my crying. Theguy rolled over to huggle me again. I couldn'tstop him. I didn't have the energy to. I was very scared.

The ret of the weekend went without hitch. I tried to avoid him as much as possible, was very emotional but i was b4( as i said the point of being there ws a cheer me up thing.)

It gets more complicated because the past intimate relationships because i was quite submissive with him. He liked to be the dom. I would try to play along. I found out that he thought i was playing the submissive again rather than actually wanting it to stop. It took me forever to get comfortable with what happened. It took me a long time to stop seeing it as my fault but i did after time.

I have since met up with the couple in question. Me and the girl are friends again but i don't know how i'll be with the guy. He apoligised and explained that he thought i was playing along. I havn't seen him since.

The overeating goes back to my time in middle school. I was bullied a lot and it was my way of dealing. And has been ever since. I am trying to stop but it is incredibly hard. It's almost like an addiction in a way.

[mucgwyrt]

I've been reading some of your stories, and although I've never been molested or raped myself the stories of being raped as a child really touch me.

My rhetorical question is, how do you protect your children from something like this? It seems the mother never realises when whoever is molesting her child(ren). Thats a big fear of mine, when I finally have children... how to protect my chldren from something they wont talk about and I can't see.

What would you wish your mother had done better or differently in order to protect you? Is there anything? Its crap to feel so helpless when it comes to prtecting a child I haven't even conceived yet :(

[GypsyGirl]

feathergoblinglimmer... :hugz: ever since junior high, i've also turned to food for comfort. i fight with it now still, ten years later, every day.

i think confronting the guy is one of the hardest things to do. it takes a whole lot of courage to do it. :hugz:

[PhoenixCOF]

I'm speechless... I can't believe the sheer amount of quiet courage and unbelievable strength in this thread... none of you have anything to be ashamed of, ever, and oh so much to be proud of - I'm in awe of all of you and the people you are despite the cards that life dealt you...

I came in here originally because a friend of mine was raped several years ago and I'm still unsure how and when to lend support. I had a ...similar... episode myself, though I'm still unsure whether to classify it as rape or not. When I call it rape, I feel guilty like it's unfair to him... When I don't call it rape I feel like I'm being unfair to myself.

To be honest, I don't remember much about the situation. He was my bf at the time, and I didn't even remember the episode until after we split... I just knew I wasn't feeling well for a while and slept a lot, and for some reason I suddenly didn't want him touching me anymore. I can't remember what it was that brought the memory back, mostly I just remember the look on his face at the time and the complete and utter hatred that I felt toward him in that instant. The memory is still incomplete - I can recall laughing so much my sides hurt and I couldn't stand up and couldn't push him away, I couldn't stop laughing and I didn't know why I was laughing because I was scared and angry, there was nothing even remotely funny about the situation, but I couldn't stop. It wasn't until about a year ago - after trying to make some sense of the bits and pieces of recall - that I realised that uncontrollable laughter is a form of hysterics. I still don't know exactly what happened, I can't bring myself to believe I was raped but at the same time it's also the most unpleasant memory I have, I still feel ...tainted... every time something makes me think of this man and I haven't been in a steady relationship since. Compared to some of the stories here, it seems rather insignificant now that its out in the open... Considering how bad I feel about it despite that, I can't even begin to imagine the kind of courage it takes to get past the sorts of experiences that have been told here... thank you all for sharing that courage, from the bottom of my heart :-).

Phoenix

PS. OMG savanah... I can't believe that any human being would have the audacity to write a letter like that *grrrrrrr* that's just so wrong! I hope he hasn't been back in touch since... God! I wish there was something I could do to help... it's just... it's just so WRONG! WHAT is wrong with some ppl?? (((((hugs))))) good on you for not letting the #$*% win - I'm sending you my support with every ounce of energy I have :hugz:

[mucgwyrt]

Savannah - Can't you take the letter to the police and get them to do something under the umbrella of "harassment"?

[Tzhebee]

I've been reading some of your stories, and although I've never been molested or raped myself the stories of being raped as a child really touch me.

My rhetorical question is, how do you protect your children from something like this? It seems the mother never realises when whoever is molesting her child(ren). Thats a big fear of mine, when I finally have children... how to protect my chldren from something they wont talk about and I can't see.

What would you wish your mother had done better or differently in order to protect you? Is there anything? Its crap to feel so helpless when it comes to prtecting a child I haven't even conceived yet :(
I'll add my two cents in here for you. If you read my story, then you know that my mother *did* know...and did nothing to help me. So my wish was that my mother would have done something....anything. But that is water under the bridge.

How to protect our children? That's difficult. If the rape or molestation is a one time thing done by a stranger, then I don't think there is anything that anyone can do to help protect or keep it from happening.

But if it is a family member, or close personal friend, etc. Then there are signs. If you watch your childs behaviour around certain individuals, you can pick up on things. And don't think that it's just the opposite sex!!! I was molested by my female babysitter.

Some (should be obvious) signs to watch for: 1) Child avoids or appears uncomfortable around people they used to be friendly with. 2) Asking someone to come with them to do a mundaine task when they usually have no problem being alone. 3) Some times kids tell you things are wrong without actually saying it. When my parents would call the babysitter, I'd ask for someone else. When questioned, I'd lie and say something like "she only watches TV and won't let me do anything".

I was scared to death when I had to leave my first child in a day care. But I watched her behaviour towards the provider...when we got there, she would run up for a hug, when it was time to leave, she'd beg to stay. That type of behaviour told me that not only was she safe, but she was comfortable as well.

When you have kids, you know thier personality and thier manurisms. The best thing you can do is watch for changes in those and question them.

My older kids are 8, 7, & 6. They know about "good and bad" touches. They also know that when people do bad things, they lie about it. They tell stories that the child will get in trouble if they tell. My kids know this is not true and have no problem telling me that "bobby touched thier butt" on the playground. We discuss it and find out that Bobby fell off a toy and didn't mean to touch their butt, and explain how it's good they told us even though it was an accident.

Open communication, watch behaviour patterns and above all else....always ALWAYS believe your child.

[mucgwyrt]

:uhhuhuh: you're right, I'd guess I'd be able to tell... and simply being aware and open to it as a possibility is a damned good start. Thanks xx

[Pesha]

I have had bad dreams regarding my rape. And I never could make the dreams stop or change the out come. But posting here, I have finally had a dream where I kicked A** and won over my rapists. I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate all of you and love you. This is one of the most healing things here in MW.

BB
DS.

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

((())) Dragonsinger

[savannahrose44]

Okay this is gonna be a longer one so bear with me.

Fairygoblinglimer,
My hear goes out to you dear. I feel your pain and yet this quite strength that radiates from you. Do not blame yourself. The fact is he raped you. You asked him to stop, and regardless of whether or not he thought you were playing he should have had the decentcy to make sure you were okay with it. It is not okay for him to just assume that you are okay with it. Even in an open relationship situation communication is still necessary. Just because he was okay with it and his girlfriend was okay with it didn't give him the right to assume that you were still okay with it. Especially after the break up you had just been through. You did nothing wrong. I will give you this advice for future reference however, and this goes for anyone else in this kind of a situation. If you are going to take part in an open relationship or any sexual relationship for that matter....establish with your partner or partners a safe word. Make it a word that you only use during sex if you want things to stop and you are uncomfortable. For instance RED LIGHT, or MARY POPPINS. Yes it can even be something corny like that. So long as it is understood that it means no, stop I'm not comfortable with this. This way there can be no confusion. Again do not blame yourself dear. You did nothing wrong.:hugz:

PhoenxCOF,
I know what it is like to have a bf cross the line. My ex did it a couple of times and I tried to tell myself it was okay because we were a couple and couples make sacrifices for one another. The fact is it was not okay. There were a couple of times where he had sex with me while I was sleeping. You see I was on medication and it made me sleep very soundly. I wouldn't remember having sex with him, and yet I would wake up with his "mess" all over me and the bed. Then when I was in the process of breaking up with him his grandfather died and even though I didn't want to have sex with him and I told him that he kept pushing me for it and finally just did it. I told myself it was okay, he was just looking for a little comfort. The fact is it was not okay and it will never be okay. He did not respect me and he did not respect my feelings towards certian things. (You see I cannot stand to be touched in a sexual manner when I'm sleeping. Not that I wont cuddle, just not in a sexual manner. This comes from my childhood history. ) He refused to respect my feelings and that is not okay. NONE OF THIS WAS OKAY. Just like what happened to you was not okay. Boyfriend or no. You are not to blame and you should call it what it was. Rape. Just because he was your bf doesn't change the nature of the crime, and it most certianly doesn't excuse it. Keep you chin up honey. :hugz:

Macha,
I have taken it to the police. They told me there was nothing they could do about it because it was mailed anonymusly and he was very careful in that it was letters cut out from a magazine glued to paper and he most likely used a sponge to seal it. They said unless there are more that come they cant spend the time, money or man power to investigate. It was probally just a prank. Isn't that just lovely? :G

[savannahrose44]

I have had bad dreams regarding my rape. And I never could make the dreams stop or change the out come. But posting here, I have finally had a dream where I kicked A** and won over my rapists. I just want all of you to know how much I appreciate all of you and love you. This is one of the most healing things here in MW.

BB
DS.

That is wonderful Dragonsinger! I am so glad. I just want to say that I whole heartedly agree with you on this point. This board has been a great source of support and therepy for me. Had I not been here I don't think I would have handled the situation with the letter as well as I did (even though I fell apart). Thank you everyone. I love you all! :floating:

[Boogins]

:hugz: to all!

[savannahrose44]

:hugz: to you Boo we all love you! :uhhuhuh:

[Boogins]

:bigredblu Thank you! :) :hugz:

[savannahrose44]

I mean it Boogins, you have been a great support to us all! :smoochypo