Which would you prefer....

[Socharis]

....To be handfasted for a year and a day, or for a life time?

[Socharis]

And Why?

[Spirahl]

Lifetime.
For me, you either love someone or you don't- you know?
If I could only commit for a year, I'd be questioning how much I really do love the person.
A test drive is only for cars IMO.

[Semele]

Originally posted by Spirahl
Lifetime.
For me, you either love someone or you don't- you know?
If I could only commit for a year, I'd be questioning how much I really do love the person.
A test drive is only for cars IMO.


I couldn't have said it better myself!!!

[Socharis]

But you cud renew it every year, and this way it represents a cycle every year.

[Wyrdsister]

This leads to a question I've had: What is the difference between a handfasting, and engagement, or a wedding? Or some other type of commitment ceremony? Can a handfasting be both an engagement-type arrangement and a wedding ceremony?

A bit confuzzled,

Wyrdsister

[Rævyn Cigány]

I would rather be handfasted for a lifetime. One thing that I have brought over from my Catholic upbringing is that, unless parted by death, a marriage (or in this case, handfasting) should only happen once and last a lifetime. I think I'm well on my way for that! :) Got me a keeper :D

BB

Rae )0(

[ladyrowan]

Originally posted by Rævyn Cigány
unless parted by death, a marriage (or in this case, handfasting) should only happen once and last a lifetime.
Rae )0(

Yup, i thought that too, both times i was married! (Not going for a third though:eek: )

BB

[rantnraven]

Thought I had the lifetime soulmate but, things went South. I would lean toward lifetime but it didn't workout the first time. Which would give me cause for the year-and-a-day option.

Dunno

What we opt for doesn't always hold true. We can only do our best.

Tried to pick a smilie but none applied.

Blessings,
Rant

[Arduinna]

Well, pluses and minuses both ways. If only a year and a day, then I think you are less likely to take each other for granted. And renewing is great! A new way to appreciate each other.

Lifetime is nice also, but I wonder how many people are willing to truly make a lifetime commitment. I mean with the high divorce rate, people have one foot out the door from the begining. Also, is a lifetime handfasting really lifetime? Even the Catholic church has a way to get out of marriage (annulment). How many are people will stay married no matter what? Spouse cheats (if you believe in fidelity), beats you, is emotionally abusive, drinks too much, is lazy and won't work. What if you decide someone else excites you more? I could go on. Lifetime really means lifetime. No if ands or buts.

I think a good compromise is year and a day until both members of the couple are really ready to make a lifetime commitment.

Just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary

[ladyrowan]

I don't think many people get married (or hand-fasted) expecting to get divorced one day, most think it's for life. I know i did.

But it is true that you can't really know someone until you live with them. What if you've not lived together before marriage? You could be in for a nasty shock!

Speaking from experience, not many violent men show this trait before marriage, they wait until they think they've got you forever.

I think a renewable license is an excellent idea, maybe for more than a year and a day though, it often takes much longer than that to REALLY know someone.

BB

[Spirahl]

My previous post... I'm sure you realize this, but I just want to state...
I know it does not work out all of the time. In fact, hubby and I are going through some rough times now and I've been very scared and insecure about our future.
But still, "lifetime" for me is the ideal. Even if things don't always go the way that we hope them to. :)
I like to believe in love: a love forever.

[Semele]

Originally posted by Rævyn Cigány
I would rather be handfasted for a lifetime. One thing that I have brought over from my Catholic upbringing is that, unless parted by death, a marriage (or in this case, handfasting) should only happen once and last a lifetime. I think I'm well on my way for that! :) Got me a keeper :D

BB

Rae )0(

Sometimes I cringe at that whole death do us part thing. I tend to think that even death doesn't break some ties. Of course I am not saying that should I pass I would want Mol to remain loyal to me and never seek love again.

Just so he knows that my love for him doesn't die with my body.

[bloodstone20]

I voted one year and one day. This is as long as my relatioships usually last, some less time. I think the shortest was 3 days, but that was when I was a lil 7th grader. I think A year and a day would be good, to see if you work that way, then a lifetime if you do.

[Socharis]

Originally posted by bloodstone20
I voted one year and one day. This is as long as my relatioships usually last, some less time. I think the shortest was 3 days, but that was when I was a lil 7th grader. I think A year and a day would be good, to see if you work that way, then a lifetime if you do.

I agree

[Amora]

Originally posted by Spirahl
Lifetime.
For me, you either love someone or you don't- you know?
If I could only commit for a year, I'd be questioning how much I really do love the person.
A test drive is only for cars IMO.

This says it best... Commit all the way or not at all as far as I'm concerned.

[Wyrdsister]

Originally posted by Rævyn Cigány
I think I'm well on my way for that! :) Got me a keeper :D I'll give my personal comment on this and say I agree with Rae wholeheartedly - I think she's got a keeper! :)

As for my question in my previous post, could someone answer it? Can a handfasting function as both/either an engagement and/or a wedding? I'm just trying to translate it into non-pagan terms. :) Thanks in advance!

Wyrdsister

[MystyPines]

Traditionally, handfastings were for a year and a day. I was handfasted last September in a medieval wedding and want a lifetime with this person, this life and hopefully every other life thereafter.....................

[slvr_phoenix]

Well, the ritual can be cast either way, so it's whichever you and your significant other prefer.

I prefer the thought of a year and a day simply because I think it'd be a romantic way to celebrate an anniversary. Even (maybe especially) if it's in a relationship that will last a lifetime, I still prefer thinking about it that way.

But to each their own.

As to if it relates to the engagement or the wedding, I believe it's the wedding, but really it can go either way. It all depends on what you feel is right for you. There is no wrong way to do something when you listen to your heart.

[seawitch]

for me and my husband it is a lifetime the laws of the land only allow for a life time commitment not for specific periods of time although that would be handy for some folk i know but not for me my H.P. just got a commission from the state and our handfasting was a legal as any wedding performed by any other clergy only much more beautiful

[Rævyn Cigány]

Originally posted by Semele


Sometimes I cringe at that whole death do us part thing. I tend to think that even death doesn't break some ties. Of course I am not saying that should I pass I would want Mol to remain loyal to me and never seek love again.

Just so he knows that my love for him doesn't die with my body.

And I agree with you on that, Semele....what I meant was that I believe in monogamy in a marriage...for the rest of your lives together. I also believe that love transcends time, but if I were to die, I wouldn't expect my husband to mourn me forever....

BB

Rae )0(

[flar7]

Ok, now this is a deep subject that can be looked at many ways.

Here is my two cents worth. I would use the handfasting as an agreement to commit (engagement) and when the time came to make it legal I would do again for life with the legal documents of the state of residence. I would also like to have the ritual to continue yearly as an anniversary to restate and heal the boundaries of the relationship. Now you dont have to make it legal in the eyes of the state, but for some people and situations this is important...children, taxes, health, etc...

On love forever, I believe we should have as strong a love for everyone as we have for our spouse. We choose our spouse and choose to commit to monogamy, but this shouldnt affect our love of everyone else.(that is the hard part!)

When we pass on, I would want my other to find someone else, because life's journey is meant to be shared!! And in whatever comes next for you, I believe relationships as you knew them would be in different perspective (having equal love for all and no jealousy)

Now with that lengthy statement said, I will state for the record that this doesnt mean I know how to do these things, since my own marriage failed.

But we must try!!



"All you need is love"

[skysteed]

I vote a year and a day. When it works out you can renew on a yearly basis. Look at all the money laywers wouldn't make in court (giggle)
On #2 right now, almost 25 years, maybe it's time to trade him in for a younger model. (I'm sure, NO, I know he say's that about me as well.)

ToLadyrowan: THIRD TIME'S A CHARM :)

[Socharis]

Keep em coming guys ;)

[Myst]

Some prefer to be handfasted for a year and a day then make it official or keep renewing each year. This would probably be best if you're young or haven't lived with the person yet or haven't been seeing eachother very long, just in case things arise. I think the belief that people *should* be together forever causes too many unhappy marriages to continue because both take it for granted. We were thinking of being handfasted for a year and a day before we get legally married just to incorporate both a Pagan and non-Pagan wedding in there, but haven't decided yet.

[Myst]

Originally posted by Wyrdsister
As for my question in my previous post, could someone answer it? Can a handfasting function as both/either an engagement and/or a wedding? I'm just trying to translate it into non-pagan terms. :) Thanks in advance!


I imagine it could if someone wanted it to. For example they might want a handfasting for a year and a day and then a formal wedding, and consider the handfasting "engagement". For example, for those of my family and friends who aren't Pagan I might say our handfasting is a "formal engagement announcement" in Pagan terms because they wouldn't understand the point of getting married twice.

Personally tho I'm already engaged and the handfasting is just for a strictly Pagan ritual. Also the handfasting would be cheaper (just a few Pagan friends and very close family invited, no formal dinner needed) but a great celebration of us pledging ourselves to eachother. And the handfasting gets to be outside and small and simple like I want it, and he can have his bigger wedding with all the friends and family like he wants when we can afford it.

[rain]

I couldn't vote, many years ago if asked that question I would have replied without hesitation, "a lifetime". But after two marriages and a disasterous long term relationship, I don't feel I could ever trust a man enough to make such a commitment again.



rain

[Socharis]

Originally posted by rain
I couldn't vote, many years ago if asked that question I would have replied without hesitation, "a lifetime". But after two marriages and a disasterous long term relationship, I don't feel I could ever trust a man enough to make such a commitment again.



rain

awww im sorry you feel this way.

[Semele]

Interestingly enough Mol and I were married the old fashioned way...at a tiny chapel we secured for a donation of $20 with the only witnesses his mom, a good friend, and our then four month old, screaming son!!! The whole thing took 15 minutes and then we went on with life as usual!

It was a special day, just like all the days of our previous two years together. We saw no need in the expense or hassle of a big wedding, much to my mom's dismay!!! She doesn't give me quite as much grief over it now though because my little sister recently gave her the daughter's wedding she dreamed of, along with all the headaches!! Do I think her marriage will be more successful than mine because she got married in a church with many witnesses and well-wishers? Not at all. I only hope she will be as happy as I have been!

Also our anniversary is coming up in September and we would really like to have a ceremonial handfasting to celebrate. That may give my mom some memories to hold onto!

[Myst]

Originally posted by Semele
Also our anniversary is coming up in September and we would really like to have a ceremonial handfasting to celebrate. That may give my mom some memories to hold onto!

Sounds great, Semele! This is how I'd like to do it as well - except I'd want to have a bonfire and party outside afterward with all our friends and some family too. I would pick out a fancy white dress - maybe a prom dress for a couple hundred bucks, then I could have it altered later so I could wear it more then once for the next weddings or events I go to. Very simple, very small, and outside! But the hubby really wants all the family and friends, and even my dad's getting all excited about the guest list and planning!

[Socharis]

Keep em coming ;)

[random]

Personally, the longest realationship I have ever had was maybe three months, take or give a few days/weeks... Which was my last one, which also was earlier this year... but no more. This was the guy who threatened me with suicide... we didn't last long after that... I'm not regretting the realationship, far from, just learned more about what kinda people I'm interested in. I say people 'cause Im bisexual.

Anyway, considering that, I didnt vote. I am going towards a lifetime thing.. but i do not believe in legal marriage. I dont like the idea of binding people together legally, and if my future love is female, would save a lot of problems considering the laws...

Still, I don't like the idea... Handfasting might be cool... But then again, Im only 14 and I don't know what I'll have for beliefs then.. I love many different people for many different reasons... there's no telling what I could choose in the future.

-christy-

[Earth Walker]

I was with Teresa 12 years, my first true love, the special one.
I have been with Ariel for 5 years.
17 years with two special women.:heartthro

[Tigerwallah]

You can always re-up for another year and a day, but a lifetime is forever. Yeesh, what if he develops bad breath, or foot fungus, or a thing for his secretary?

[MysticWitch]

Lifetime.
For me, you either love someone or you don't- you know?
If I could only commit for a year, I'd be questioning how much I really do love the person.
A test drive is only for cars IMO.

:lol: I agree

[KeelinConvallaria]

A year and a day is traditional for handfastings, then it could be made permanent after that much time if both spouses wanted it to.
If you want something life-long, get married!

[Ninjakitten]

I think it could be a great way to have something deeper than an engagement and to use it as a type of engagement for a marriage. I wish I could convince my boyfriend that handfastings aren't only done by Pagans and doesn't have to involve magic.

[AlleyCat]

I think a lifetime if you feel the person you are with is your life partner, I've been with my partner for 3 years and we are the best of friends, his calm counteracts my fiery catiness and we get on really well and are in tune with each others needs for the most part lol. I'd say for legal reasons within society lifetime is more practical but you could have your own yearly affirmations of love and honoring and appreciating the year you have together, and being thankful you have had that time together :-) as many of us probably painfully know you don't take each day you have together for granted...

[Qeniheru]

Lifetime for me...it is a wonderful expression of love that personally, I don't think should have a time limit. :) My boyfriend and I are wanting to do it next summer, not to get actually married (we are a bit young and inexperienced for that :P and we also want to finish our education in 2 different states), but as more of an engagement ceremony and declaration of our love. Basically, for us it will be a pre-wedding. :)

[Kalika]

For a lifetime. :)

If you know that you're going to be together... then you shouldn't need just the year and a day committment, but should be able to make it a life long thing.

[raminda]

Well, pluses and minuses both ways. If only a year and a day, then I think you are less likely to take each other for granted. And renewing is great! A new way to appreciate each other.

Lifetime is nice also, but I wonder how many people are willing to truly make a lifetime commitment. I mean with the high divorce rate, people have one foot out the door from the begining. Also, is a lifetime handfasting really lifetime? Even the Catholic church has a way to get out of marriage (annulment). How many are people will stay married no matter what? Spouse cheats (if you believe in fidelity), beats you, is emotionally abusive, drinks too much, is lazy and won't work. What if you decide someone else excites you more? I could go on. Lifetime really means lifetime. No if ands or buts.

I think a good compromise is year and a day until both members of the couple are really ready to make a lifetime commitment.

Just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary

I agree with you. I'm all about not taking anything for granted, plus I think a yearly celebration would be great - and more than just an anniversary.

[Windsmith]

Lifetime. 'Cause I'm in the middle of planning my handfasting right now, and I have to tell you, the thought of having to do even a fraction of this all over again in a year makes me break out in a cold sweat!

[semi]

For life. But treat the relationship as though it is only temporary and never stop trying to make each day a good day for your partner. A beautiful romance can be built this way.

[Lilith79]

Lifetime, and that is how we got married legally. :D