I feel so damn sad...

[morrigen]

I feel rotten just for wasting everyone's time with this.Oters of us have so much more going on...so i'm not really asking for energy, just feeling low, and wanting those of you who wish to, to send any spare warm feelings this way..(I feel like such a whiner for asking) Sorry.

The phone rang at 8 pm last night. By te time I got off at 11.30, I felt like I'd been dragged backwards through a roll of barbed wire. I still feel bloody rotten.

It was my mother.


Trying to keep this simple, ,it's enough to say my father was an alcoholic throughout my childood, and my mother has spent the last 33 years telling me I'm not good enough. I have anxiety/depression - they say it's an imaginary illness for those who want attention. I have battled anorexia. I have weighed so little I used to get dizzy(45kg at 5'4"), but according to mum, i was still too big. She has never accepted anything I have ever thought, felt or done. My life choices have been different to hers. She will not accept them as different, she simply tells me they are wrong She asks me why I simply cannot be "normal", tells me I am a disapointment, and when I finnally extricated myself from a very abusive relationship, se told me te abuse was my fault, because of "that strange lifestyle you lead" (in other words, I'm not her)

So. she asked me why we aren't close. We discussed the issues for the hundredth time.
.She called me a liar, told me I exaggerate the stuff from my childhood, out-and-out denied stuff that actually happened (even recent stuff) and then had the nerve to just tell me it was my fault that things were so bad...


"Sometimes", she said, "When it's family, you just don't bring it up, you have to sweep it to the back of your mind and not make a fuss"


Where is *that* carved into granite with a flaming sword???


No, Mum. Sometimes, you can't. Sometimes if things aren't fixed, they fester enough to have an impact on the relationship. Sometimes, you can't get over it - because IT'S STILL HAPPENING.


Somedays, I just find it eaier to basically write them off, and when I do interact with them, to keep it nice and shallow.


In my foolish moments, I wonder if it can't be fixed, if we can't have some sort of warm and comfortable relationship, like I see some of my friends having with their mothers...sigh...it's all so terribly futile.


Today I feel like hell...drained, unresponsive and exhausted. I'm going to curl up into a little ball with BC and the cats, and do what I should have done last night.


Let the answering machine handle it all.

But I feel so awful. I'm sorry. I have no right to dump this on anyone.

[Hope]

warm (((HUGS))) i think dear one we must be sisters and not know it

the difference is i learned to not answer the phone, until i could with out it taking me away

healing and love!

love
hope

[Sommerfugl]

I feel rotten just for wasting everyone's time with this.Oters of us have so much more going on...so i'm not really asking for energy, just feeling low, and wanting those of you who wish to, to send any spare warm feelings this way..(I feel like such a whiner for asking) Sorry.

The phone rang at 8 pm last night. By te time I got off at 11.30, I felt like I'd been dragged backwards through a roll of barbed wire. I still feel bloody rotten.

It was my mother.


Trying to keep this simple, ,it's enough to say my father was an alcoholic throughout my childood, and my mother has spent the last 33 years telling me I'm not good enough. I have anxiety/depression - they say it's an imaginary illness for those who want attention. I have battled anorexia. I have weighed so little I used to get dizzy(45kg at 5'4"), but according to mum, i was still too big. She has never accepted anything I have ever thought, felt or done. My life choices have been different to hers. She will not accept them as different, she simply tells me they are wrong She asks me why I simply cannot be "normal", tells me I am a disapointment, and when I finnally extricated myself from a very abusive relationship, se told me te abuse was my fault, because of "that strange lifestyle you lead" (in other words, I'm not her)

So. she asked me why we aren't close. We discussed the issues for the hundredth time.
.She called me a liar, told me I exaggerate the stuff from my childhood, out-and-out denied stuff that actually happened (even recent stuff) and then had the nerve to just tell me it was my fault that things were so bad...


"Sometimes", she said, "When it's family, you just don't bring it up, you have to sweep it to the back of your mind and not make a fuss"


Where is *that* carved into granite with a flaming sword???


No, Mum. Sometimes, you can't. Sometimes if things aren't fixed, they fester enough to have an impact on the relationship. Sometimes, you can't get over it - because IT'S STILL HAPPENING.


Somedays, I just find it eaier to basically write them off, and when I do interact with them, to keep it nice and shallow.


In my foolish moments, I wonder if it can't be fixed, if we can't have some sort of warm and comfortable relationship, like I see some of my friends having with their mothers...sigh...it's all so terribly futile.


Today I feel like hell...drained, unresponsive and exhausted. I'm going to curl up into a little ball with BC and the cats, and do what I should have done last night.


Let the answering machine handle it all.

But I feel so awful. I'm sorry. I have no right to dump this on anyone.



previous - next

Hey, don't be silly...this is nothing trivial...you are not 'dumping this' on anyone. If it is making you feel bad, then it is important, however small you think it may be. Your story sounds pretty similar to mine apart from the attitudes of the mothers. My dad was the one who i could never please however hard I tried. Just thought i'd say that if you need to then just PM me. Sending warm thoughts....
Jezxx

[frigga]

Love and light your way! :colorful:

[violet rain]

:heartthro hey you know things will be ok just try not to let it get you down. I have expierienced alot of the same stuff and some people even people you can love all your life will sometimes never except that they are not you and that sometimes people have this idea of what there children are going to be like and it never turns out that way the best way to over come your situation is to rea;ize that you can;t change her either which trust me really feels terrible when its your parents I don't talk to my dad anymore because he just cares about himself more than me which I come to find out is fine because I still have myself to look back on and sometimes its gets to me too but as long as you love yourself and you know who you are and you are happy with that . that is all that matters just stay true to yourself from what I read from you you seem very strong so hey if your mother calls again tell her that you don't agree and if she fights with you tell her that you understand that she has a different view and you understand that but you don't have to agree with her let me give you something open your mind (gives some loving energy) you will be fine okk don't worry

[GryphonGirl]

lots of :hugz: and healing energy........

[SilverMaiden]

That's hard situation. *hug*

Families can do that, want to hide things and pretend they aren't as important as they are or pretend they just never happened. Some people are more into the image than dealing with reality and fixing it.

When you are one of the first to break a chain of bad family history it's hard, it makes you so darn tired, it causes saddness and it does get lonely. When you see your children, your younger cousins, your new generation of cousins and your nieces and nephews who follow in your footprints you'll know it was so worth it.

Sometimes adults are purposefully deaf because of their own fears, but the children see and hear much. Teach your lessons to the children to change the future. You can't change the past, sometimes the present but always the future.

I'm sending strength, empathy and a wish for you never to lose sight of the future. You can make a good difference that will change generations. *hug*

[Nighthawk]

Oh, my friend... I must say...first, I am sorry..and now this.... I have some si,ilar issues... if you feel it, you feel it. if it was real to you, it was real to you. If you are bothered, you don't sweep it under the carpet. and, of course your lifestyle is strange... you are not her. Can I ask what you are not good enough for? well, too good to be abused..your fault?? then why did you get out of it? Hmm, better yet, have her call me instead.... I will set her down. I am sorry, my dear friend.....and you go ahead and live the life you want to.....because it is yours, my dear. You are loved, respected and accepted..... sorry she cannot see that... Sorry you don't feel it right now... pm me if you ever need to.... love you , NH

[redring]

I think we have been liveing the same life. But I find that it always helps that someone cares, I have a tendency to forget that. You have some lovely responces already and my thoughts are with you. Smile as best you can and remember we are here for you. I had to take a brake from my family. three years I talked to no one. I did not want to get in the middle of there lieing and backstabeing each other. Now, most everyone is verry nice and has been trying to offer some bit of help. They realize, FAMILY or not it is my choice to contenue a relationship with them. sometimes its needed to remind them of this. you cant let others take you down with them. Harsh but never the less true. hope my rambeling helps some. I am sending all my warm thoughts.

[GaiaDea]

(((HUGS)))

I understand, as my mother was a monster to me, and I still have issues about that.

Just know that you are worthy to me, and I am proud of what you have accomplished, both inside and out.

Love, Light, and Blessings!

[FeatherGoblinglimmer]

*Huggles*. My family and i have similar issues so i know how you must be feeling. Perk up energy sent your way. It's good that you stood up to her hun.

[HorseCrow]

:hugz:

[Yvonne Belisle]

I feel rotten just for wasting everyone's time with this.Oters of us have so much more going on...so i'm not really asking for energy, just feeling low, and wanting those of you who wish to, to send any spare warm feelings this way..(I feel like such a whiner for asking) Sorry.

The phone rang at 8 pm last night. By te time I got off at 11.30, I felt like I'd been dragged backwards through a roll of barbed wire. I still feel bloody rotten.

It was my mother.


Trying to keep this simple, ,it's enough to say my father was an alcoholic throughout my childood, and my mother has spent the last 33 years telling me I'm not good enough. I have anxiety/depression - they say it's an imaginary illness for those who want attention. I have battled anorexia. I have weighed so little I used to get dizzy(45kg at 5'4"), but according to mum, i was still too big. She has never accepted anything I have ever thought, felt or done. My life choices have been different to hers. She will not accept them as different, she simply tells me they are wrong She asks me why I simply cannot be "normal", tells me I am a disapointment, and when I finnally extricated myself from a very abusive relationship, se told me te abuse was my fault, because of "that strange lifestyle you lead" (in other words, I'm not her)

So. she asked me why we aren't close. We discussed the issues for the hundredth time.
.She called me a liar, told me I exaggerate the stuff from my childhood, out-and-out denied stuff that actually happened (even recent stuff) and then had the nerve to just tell me it was my fault that things were so bad...


"Sometimes", she said, "When it's family, you just don't bring it up, you have to sweep it to the back of your mind and not make a fuss"


Where is *that* carved into granite with a flaming sword???


No, Mum. Sometimes, you can't. Sometimes if things aren't fixed, they fester enough to have an impact on the relationship. Sometimes, you can't get over it - because IT'S STILL HAPPENING.


Somedays, I just find it eaier to basically write them off, and when I do interact with them, to keep it nice and shallow.


In my foolish moments, I wonder if it can't be fixed, if we can't have some sort of warm and comfortable relationship, like I see some of my friends having with their mothers...sigh...it's all so terribly futile.


Today I feel like hell...drained, unresponsive and exhausted. I'm going to curl up into a little ball with BC and the cats, and do what I should have done last night.


Let the answering machine handle it all.

But I feel so awful. I'm sorry. I have no right to dump this on anyone.



Maybe our mothers are related. I do know how you feel because everytime I hear from mine I get the same stuff except where you went completely anorexic i went compulsive overeating with swings into anorexia when I saw how much I gained. I now weigh enough for two of me. :( There was an occassion where I knew she was coming and cleaned my house for a week when my kids were too small to mess it up. My friend had thought I was over reacting. She was there when my mother walked in with her snooty nose in the air looked around and told me how filthy my house was. I knew she was coming and I couldn't even wipe down the tv screen???? It had fingerprints from my children so my whole house was filthy. So I do know where you are coming from. Saying enough is so hard but they are killing me inside. I have been so sick physically since they were here it isn't funny and my sugar is way too high. It sounds like we both need to learn how to let go of them and live for us. Hugs and healing to you.

[Scarlettvixen]

morrigen :hugz:
babe tell her to bugger off and cut contact!

my mother had similar issues with me tho doesnt sound as vicious as yrs

i told her years ago if u cant be polite and accept my life choices and who i am dont bother talking to me

she is now polite most of the time
and when she starts i give it straight back at her

if ya need to talk babe pm me

[Sabrina]

<<hugs>> Morrigen:

Honey - I dont have a working relationship with my own mother for similar issues you describe. It took me well into my 40s to decide that I really dont want the woman in my life. Sad but true.

Not that my solution would work for anyone BUT me....and I'm not suggesting you cut her off. But perhaps you can do better than I did...
Learn to weild your own life and not let her affect you so.
Years of being in the shadow of something as terrible as a bad relationship with your own mom is really a hard thing to bear.
You're not dumping...your visiting with friends on something that's plaguing you.

As long as you continue to try to deal with this situation you wil continue to have the love and support of your friends. <<hugs>> again and again.
Keep your chin up and remember she only HAS the power to reduce you to hurt feelings IF YOU ALLOW her to do so.
Keep your power. Dont give HER the power over you...to hurt you or bring you down.

Chin up hon.....
<hugs again>

love,
Sabrina

[Druchii]

I am sorry about all of that Morrigen,... :hugz:

[Xander67]

I wish I could come and make you a nice dinner and bring you some of the freshest Roses from my garden!

I have been sad myself... I too have an anxiety/depression diagnosis and am on medication for it..
Your Mother would do well to see a DR herself... but this is not about your DR.. Deep down, in some twisted way, I actually think that your mother cares for you and wants to see you well... the problem is, she is misled into thinking that Anxiety and Depression are not real Medical conditions...

I think that not talking about things and sweeping them under the rug only serve to do more harm then good.. :hugz:

I had a very crappy childhood myself... and my family knows better than to try and pull a stunt like this on me... I admire your courage and respect... I would have hung up on her as soon as I detected any negativity in her tone.. I REALLY LOVE ANSWERING MACHINES!!! they ROCK!

If you need someone to talk to , get at me... My email holds 6mb worth of email, and my ears bend pretty good :)

[Boogins]

Oh, honey... my dad too, and my mom too. You have every right to feel sad, and every reason to tell somebody; sometimes that's the best you can do for yourself. But you don't deserve your mother's condemnation, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Is there any way you can move--if possible, to a different community altogether? Just do it, no informing anyone outside your own little family... have a new phone number, unlisted, no messages on the machine... just escape.

Morrigen, you're one of the best and sweetest people I know, intelligent, funny, caring, kind. Getting to know you has been an enormous privilege to me. If I can help in any way... I would be proud to be allowed to do so. :hugz:

[Caffiend]

Boy, do I ever understand how you're feeling. Don't ever dismiss it as trivial! No matter how harsh or mild the abuse is, it still hurts deeply. I have a brother who's a drug addict and my mom tries to trivialize it sometimes too. Aargh! If you need someone to chat with, PM me anytime!

Hugs to ya!

[Pesha]

Oh sweety, it is so ok to dump on us. So love is flowing. Energies for peace and calm and balance are sent. Please feel better hun.

BB
DS.

[Rowan MoonDragon]

Sweetie, you are not dumping. You are expressing your emotions and that needs to be done. If youdont express yourself, things inside of you will just fester and explode and thats just not healthy. I wish you many blessings. Love and hugs to you. :hugz:

[Angelus_Errare]

i will send warm thoughts your way!

[soilsigh aingeal]

:hugz: energy sent

[morrigen]

I just want to thank each and every one of you who replied.

Your words have lifted my mood, and made everything seem better. Xander got it right...Mum does love me, and she also loves my son. She has a very limited world-view and a very conservative nature, as does my father.

To be honest, if they were not my parents, I would find them fairly unlikeable.

Actually, I *do* find them unlikeable...but I also know (from experience, now) of the sleepless nigts with me as a baby, the way they looked after me when I was ill....it gets so confusing.
I was just about to finish that sentence with "but they never deliberately hurt me"...and then I remembered all of the times they did...when dad drank, when mum told me I was fat at the age of 10. Funny, I believed I was fat, until my best friend pulled out our old school photos a few years ago, to prove to me that I was actually very thin as a child...sigh...I've actually never been overweight in my life...

But where I was going with this....I have asked my mum to go to counciling with me. I shall see how that goes. I will continue to stand my ground, I always do, even though it drains me so much.

If we cannot at least compromise, and if they refuse to at least try to work on this relationship, then I will have to consider estrangement. I will give the relationship every chance...but I certainly will not allow it to continue in the way it has been all these years..

So, what I wanted to say, was thank you, thank you all, so very much. Each and every word has been a comfort and has given me so much strength. I am overwhelmed and so very touched.

And so glad to have made such wonderful friends :hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:

[MoonIsis]

Just be who you are and who gives a crap what others think of you, especially family. My mother has a bad habit of telling me too that I'm fat. I just got really pissed off and her and said "I am not fat and stop calling me that! I don't appreciate it!". I'm 5'1 and 120 lbs. That is not fat! She thinks that because she weighs the same in high school that everyone should be the same ways she is. Well, I'm not her and YOU MY FRIENDS are not your mother either. You are your own person and you should be the brightest star you can be! It's kinda funny about my mom....everyone else tells me "you look great!" but if I put on a skirt my mom is like "that's way too tight on you"....I think she's just jealous she never wore one herself. Your mom could be the same way. Maybe she's just pouring all of her failures onto you. Don't let this happen. If you have to push them aside for a while to get it all together, so be it. Some family I have completely written off and don't wish to speak to because they never wanted to be a part of my life or made my life miserable. I'm not saying to totally avoid her, but if you want to be strong and start moving forward, take a step up and just keep going. Don't let anyone get in your way, no matter if they are your mother, brother, cat or rabbit. you never know what you can do, until you try!

[MoonIsis]

Oh and btw:

"So. she asked me why we aren't close. We discussed the issues for the hundredth time.
.She called me a liar, told me I exaggerate the stuff from my childhood, out-and-out denied stuff that actually happened (even recent stuff) and then had the nerve to just tell me it was my fault that things were so bad..."

Both my parents did the same thing. They both deny being abusive parents when my sister moved out when she was 18 because of the abuse and I even went as far as running away and getting put in a nuthouse cause my parents said "I'm batty"...yeah, I was batty but when they found a nice bruise on my face they changed their tune. Ya know what my folks said? "You did that yourself running away". They even denied the fact I had a bruise on my face from getting punched in the face! My mom acts like she quit smoking when I steal her cigarettes! She tells everyone "I don't smoke". What a bunch of crap! My dad lied and said he doesn't smoke pot when, guess what, Dad I stole your pot in high school and when we got in an agrument over you grounding me for having a pipe, I went and got your stash and put it right in front of your face. Ya know what he said? "It must have been your sister's when she moved out". Why would my sister hide her pot in one of YOUR tins in YOUR den? Gimmie a break! It's just parents being stubborn. If you can't admit guilt or that you screwed up, you basically live your own lie and believe your own lie. If they can't snap out of it and just be honest, there really isn't much you can do. I even caught my mom smoking and she still said she wasn't. How messed up is that? I totally can relate to you! Don't let it get you down. If anything, laugh about it with your friends! I do all the time! I crack up with my sister over it. We still talk about how silly they are about not admitting it. I usually like to get the truth out in the open. There is less garbage that way. If you have been truthful about how you are and honest as well, then you are more true to yourself then anything! :) :) :) So get up, get out and go have some fun!

[ororo]

I totally send energy your way. My dad didn't realize that what I was saying was true (the bad things) until he saw the blood run down my face from the last time he ever touched me.

Don't let it get that far. Please.

[morrigen]

I totally send energy your way. My dad didn't realize that what I was saying was true (the bad things) until he saw the blood run down my face from the last time he ever touched me.

Don't let it get that far. Please.

So sweet that you care :hugz:, but don't worry, I've been living away from them for 18 years...I'm 33,so I don't think the thought even crosses their minds.

It's more of a case of a long-running emotionally difficult relationship...but thank you for caring :)

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz:

good luck with the counselling
has she agreed to go?

[morrigen]

She has at this point, but I'm just waiting for her to either back out...or go, but then say it was a load of "modern nonsense" or soomething to that effect.

I can almost hear the snarky comments about "people with university degrees who know nothing".

It's one of their favourites now that I am at uni as a mature aged student. (goddamn it, I am *not* mature :D)

[Boogins]

Who wants to be mature anyway? :T

Seriously, though, :hugz: and good luck. I hope she goes--and I hope she gets something out of it. I understand feeling you must exhaust all possibilities before cutting ties; I was 39 before I knew for certain there was no hope for my family.

And I hope you're feeling much better, my friend. :) :hugz:

[MoonIsis]

I tried counceling with my parents too. It didn't work for me, but it's worth a try! I think you'll do just fine. :)

[Sommerfugl]

I think councelling is a great idea. Keep your chin up, babe. :)
Jezxx

[morrigen]

Thanks guys :hugz:

I'm feeling alot better, though I'm still kinda avoiding the phone :D

I will do my utmost to get her to come to councilling with me. While there's life there's hope, eh?

*rolls eyes* Still...you never know :)

Thanks again, my friends.

[Boogins]

:hugz:

[Nighthawk]

Nice idea..... hope you can...and if not..it is not your fault, for you tried.

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz: :hugz:

[OriginalWacky]

I just want to thank each and every one of you who replied.

Your words have lifted my mood, and made everything seem better. Xander got it right...Mum does love me, and she also loves my son. She has a very limited world-view and a very conservative nature, as does my father.

To be honest, if they were not my parents, I would find them fairly unlikeable.

Actually, I *do* find them unlikeable...but I also know (from experience, now) of the sleepless nigts with me as a baby, the way they looked after me when I was ill....it gets so confusing.
I was just about to finish that sentence with "but they never deliberately hurt me"...and then I remembered all of the times they did...when dad drank, when mum told me I was fat at the age of 10. Funny, I believed I was fat, until my best friend pulled out our old school photos a few years ago, to prove to me that I was actually very thin as a child...sigh...I've actually never been overweight in my life...

But where I was going with this....I have asked my mum to go to counciling with me. I shall see how that goes. I will continue to stand my ground, I always do, even though it drains me so much.

If we cannot at least compromise, and if they refuse to at least try to work on this relationship, then I will have to consider estrangement. I will give the relationship every chance...but I certainly will not allow it to continue in the way it has been all these years..

So, what I wanted to say, was thank you, thank you all, so very much. Each and every word has been a comfort and has given me so much strength. I am overwhelmed and so very touched.

And so glad to have made such wonderful friends :hugz::hugz::hugz::hugz:
I'm glad to see you are feeling better. I hope things can get worked out so that you can have a decent (if not the best) relationship with your family. I wish I had that chance, but I don't see it happening in my case. (Way huge long history that I'm not gonna drag out here.)

If you ever need a cyber shoulder, or ear... I'm usually around.