need to feel better.

[mara]

When I see some of the terrible things that have happened to other people here I feel a little bad bringing my problems up, but I ‘ve been so depressed lately that I’m wondering if I will ever be myself again. I’ve always been prone to depression, but what started this downward spiral is that we were buying a house that I really felt the Goddess lead me to. I felt really spiritually connected to that place. Anyway, last winter we had a fire and to make a long story short we ended up walking away from it. It feels really wrong but there was nothing left to do.We lost tons of money and effort. I’m left wondering how I could have been so wrong. Maybe my feelings of being connected with the Goddess are just my imagination and not real. My husband works 16 hour shifts; I have agoraphobia and don’t leave my house unless my husband is with me. I don’t drive, and the thought of walking out to the mailbox scares me. My husband gets really angry and frustrated with me, but I can’t help it. I’ve spent the last 15 years or so trying different meds and going to therapists, but nothing seems to help. I’ve lost almost all my friends- keeping the secret of irrational fears is exhausting. It’s easier than trying to explain why I can’t go to the movies, or shopping, or whatever. .I push everyone away... but at the same time I want friendship so much it literally hurts. I fear that I have lost my social skills and since I just stay home I don’t have anything interesting to talk about. I am alone and bored. I sit here at the computer looking for human companionship and feel desperate and pathetic. I don’t clean my house; I don’t make my quilts, read, or watch TV..I don’t even feel suicidal- just sort of blankly sad if that makes sense. In real life I would never tell anyone these things- it’s nice to have a place to express my feelings since my husband gets so upset. My kids aren't getting the attention that they deserve..please send some good thoughts my way, my kids deserve better. thank you.

[Dorchadas Síofra]

***gentle hugs*** healing energy sent your way

take care, there are brighter days, it is possible to come out of depression ( though very hard) maybe you could see about seeing a counselor for a bit? if you want to talk, i'm around.

[violet rain]

[I] hey you will be ok maybe you should medidtate and find out why you have been feeling that way maybe you could solve it and feel better but I don't think drugs from the doctor will make you feel better those things don't really help people well thats just my opinion anyway. but if you ever just need to vent because you don't feel right then do it I will listen

[mara]

Thank you both , I really appreciate it. I think meditation might help. I want to get better, i just don't want to fail again. It seems like every time I start to venture out into the world something happens and I end up 10 times worse than I was before. Medication hasn't helped, but maybe I should try to find a counselor again. the last one even came to our home to see me, but now you have to be on medicaid in order to see anyone in that counseling center, and I just don't know who else I could see. I wish that I could get up enough energy to try again.

[Hope]

(((hugs))) may you regain your balance

love
hope

[OriginalWacky]

When I see some of the terrible things that have happened to other people here I feel a little bad bringing my problems up, but I ‘ve been so depressed lately that I’m wondering if I will ever be myself again.
The fact that other people have bad things happen does not diminish the bad things in your life. If I were to get a sliver under my thumbnail, it wouldn't hurt any less because my neighbor broke her arm in three places. Know what I mean? (Well, in my case, it might, because my neighbor is a screaming harpy, but normally...<G>) Anyway, please don't ever feel that your feelings are invalidated in any way because others have it worse or better.



I’ve always been prone to depression, but what started this downward spiral is that we were buying a house that I really felt the Goddess lead me to. I felt really spiritually connected to that place. Anyway, last winter we had a fire and to make a long story short we ended up walking away from it. It feels really wrong but there was nothing left to do.We lost tons of money and effort. I’m left wondering how I could have been so wrong. Maybe my feelings of being connected with the Goddess are just my imagination and not real.

Or maybe, somewhere in there, there is a reason for things to go this way, but you can't see it. (I get a bit peeved about the idea of having to learn Lessons, but I can deal with the fact that there may be reasons. I don't know if that makes any sense.) I can relate to what this must be like for you, in a minor way. Although I never owned a house, I've had a couple of fires, and they are always rough.



My husband works 16 hour shifts; I have agoraphobia and don’t leave my house unless my husband is with me. I don’t drive, and the thought of walking out to the mailbox scares me. My husband gets really angry and frustrated with me, but I can’t help it. I’ve spent the last 15 years or so trying different meds and going to therapists, but nothing seems to help.

I hope that there is something that can help you. I can't give you any answers (I'm not a trained anything), but I can provide a cyber shoulder anytime you need it. I know several other agoraphobes online. I also just happen to have a few links that may or may not be something you've seen before.
http://www.mental-health-resources.com/Top_Health_Mental_Health_Disorders_Anxiety_Support_Groups.html (http://www.mental-health-resources.com/Top_Health_Mental_Health_Disorders_Anxiety_Support_Groups.html)
http://www.paniccenter.net/about/living/support.cfm (http://www.paniccenter.net/about/living/support.cfm)
http://www.anxiety.org.za/support_group_depression_and_anxiety_disorder_panic.htm (http://www.anxiety.org.za/support_group_depression_and_anxiety_disorder_panic.htm)

I'm bipolar, and have other issues as well, so I can empathize a bit with what you are going through. Mine is exacerbated by the fact that I have psoriasis, and people can be real jerks about it. I've gotten a lot better though, and tend to be more confident nowadays, since I got away from some of the worst negativity in my life.


I’ve lost almost all my friends- keeping the secret of irrational fears is exhausting. It’s easier than trying to explain why I can’t go to the movies, or shopping, or whatever. .I push everyone away... but at the same time I want friendship so much it literally hurts.
::HUGGLES:: I can so relate to pushing others away while needing them all the more. It's so very rough to deal with. I don't know where you are, but if it's anyplace near me, I'd certainly be willing to make a trip to see you and I wouldn't have any problem at all with not going out in public. If you aren't close to me, I bet there are others here that are close, that would probably do the same thing.

And I would be proud for you to call me friend, whether I've met you face to face or not.


I fear that I have lost my social skills and since I just stay home I don’t have anything interesting to talk about. I am alone and bored. I sit here at the computer looking for human companionship and feel desperate and pathetic. I don’t clean my house; I don’t make my quilts, read, or watch TV..I don’t even feel suicidal- just sort of blankly sad if that makes sense.
Agoraphobia is very insidious. It just takes over, and often there really isn't anything you can do alone to combat it. It's even harder when those around you don't understand at all what it's like. I've spent many a day (or year) feeling blankly sad. Often there is no trigger at all, things will be no different than they were the day, or even hour before, but my mood will get so bleak and I'll be horribly horribly depressed for no real reason that I can find. Since I'm bipolar, that works both ways, and being either too depressed or too manic is like torture for me. Those are the times when I've turned to cutting myself, is when I am lowest or highest.

You are NOT pathetic. Perhaps desperate, but only because you need someone who can understand what you are going through (well, that's not the *only* thing, but it's a pretty important one). It's so very hard to get motivated to clean, or do other chores when this hits, isn't it? I have a rough time with that as well. I'm lucky though, I have a mate that kinda understands.


In real life I would never tell anyone these things- it’s nice to have a place to express my feelings since my husband gets so upset.
Check out those links I put in, there are lots of support groups out there, and they help. Those links also have some information that you can point your hubby toward, so that maybe he can gain a bit more understanding for what you are going through. Maybe he gets upset because he can't fix it for you and it hurts him to see you hurting? I sometimes get cranky with The Mate not becuase he is crippled and can't do something, but because I can't make him feel better, and it hurts me deeply to see him suffer.


My kids aren't getting the attention that they deserve..
I'm pretty certain you give your children more than you know. How old are they? Have you talked over any of this with them, or are they too young yet to understand? You'd be surprised at how much even a 9 year old can understand and help you with. You can probably find things to do with your children that don't involve going anyplace you aren't comfortable. We have a family game night, and if you can get motivated to do that, it might even help your spirits a bit. I know it's really tough when you're feeling down.


please send some good thoughts my way, my kids deserve better. thank you.
You will definately be included in my list. Not just your kids... YOU deserve better. Don't give up, and keep in touch with doctors or counselors, or whatever it takes. Keep trying to find things to relieve, or treat this, because you might run into something that works. And if all else fails, remember that there is another person out here who truly cares; and that will not change.

[mara]

thank you so much for that.. I really felt heard and that was what I needed .I will definately check out the links you suggest in just a moment, and really thank you for taking the time and being so caring. I have embarrassed myself , and wish I hadn't posted this whole thing, but yesterday was just a hard day, between all the stuff that has been going on and having to give our dog away I think it just sent me over..i was having a little pity party for myself. You will be in my prayers too..you are a very kind person.

[morrigen]

Mara...don't feel embarrassed...we're all here to help, we're a community of very caring people, and you are part of that :)

OriginalWacky said most of what I wanted to say. Except this...when I was first diagnosed with depression, I took great pains to hide it from everyone in the fear that they would see me as "crazy".

These days, if it seems pertinent to disclose that information, I will do so. Yes,a few people have had problems with it...but most are just fine about it, and once i break the ice, i'm amazed how many other people come out with admissions of having been diagnosed with problems of their own.

Don't be ashamed, sweetie. You wouldn't be ashamed if you had diabetes or something, would you? Agoraphobia is not something you chose...and if people can't cope with that, they're really not worth your time. You'll find plenty of people who are just fine with it...

My best friend is agorophobic, and we work around it. We do everything at her house, and that's just fine with me and the rest of her friends, because we love her. I hope you meet some folk on here who live nearby...with 10,000 members, there's always a chance...

Good luck, and remember, never be ashamed of yourself...and always know your worries are never petty, we are always here for you :)

[Pesha]

One of the best things about MW is this particular place. Here is where we can come and open up and receive love and energies. So dear please know that there is no request that can be considered small. You need and you will receive. Eenrgies of calm and balance and love flow to you.

BB
DS.

[OriginalWacky]

thank you so much for that.. I really felt heard and that was what I needed .I will definately check out the links you suggest in just a moment, and really thank you for taking the time and being so caring. I have embarrassed myself , and wish I hadn't posted this whole thing, but yesterday was just a hard day, between all the stuff that has been going on and having to give our dog away I think it just sent me over..i was having a little pity party for myself. You will be in my prayers too..you are a very kind person.
Sometimes a pity party is just what the doctor ordered. It gives you a chance to work through it. You don't have to thank me for being caring, but you're welcome. Just know that you are worth it (I've had struggles with people helping me because I've felt worthless most of my life). I'm glad you posted and reached out, and I'm glad I could help, even a little.

You are still welcome to vent to me anytime you need to, I'm pretty much always around, and I can listen pretty well, if I do say so myself. On the other hand, I have my troubles, and I have a killer good support network online. As long as you always reach out, there will be a hand, mine or someone's.

[HorseCrow]

:hugz: (((Healing energy sent your way)))

[Scarlettvixen]

:hugz:
although i am not an agrophobe i do suffer with depression, sometimes worse than others

what helps me out of the downward spirals is online friends.......... cause i feel i can open up to them!
and learning to distract myself from the negative thought patterns
u said you quilt...... perhaps that is an outlet that will work for you?

just suggestions babe

[Phi]

thank you so much for that.. I really felt heard and that was what I needed .I will definately check out the links you suggest in just a moment, and really thank you for taking the time and being so caring. I have embarrassed myself , and wish I hadn't posted this whole thing, but yesterday was just a hard day, between all the stuff that has been going on and having to give our dog away I think it just sent me over..i was having a little pity party for myself. You will be in my prayers too..you are a very kind person.
You are so hard on you! And never feel embarrassed on MW about your troubles. You are worthwhile, and we do not pity you, we empathize. Loving energy sent for every day, that you might grow stronger within yourself.