Jealous Again

[LittlePerson]

Adonai, I don't know if you want me to only have what I have, as meager as it is. I understand if you are teaching me to be grateful for what I have. I am. I truly am. But alas, I am still jealous. Do you not want me to eat nice meals like everyone else around me? Do you not want us to both to work and to save money and to start a family? Am I to work and work and feel as though it is doing no good at all? I started my 401k and I am proud of that. But I want a baby, a child who I know will enherit that money when I am gone. Alas, my husband would if it were only him in the end, but what if he never goes back to work again, does he deserve it? Do I deserve that? What is it that you want from me? Why do I always seem to get so jealous for just wanting the american dream? I don't want millions. I don't want a yacht and a plane, or lots of children or a great big house and another in the hamptons. I just want security. I want two wage earners and a child, and nice little home to live in with food to feed us all comfortably. That's all. That's it. But why as hard as I work at it, I seem to get nowhere? What's wrong with me? Did I do something to prevent this from happening? Have I made you mad somehow? Do you feel I don't deserve it? I wish I could understand, really. I wish I could. I love my husband so much, despite all we've been through, despite his lack of a job. I get angry about him not working, but you know what we've been through and it'd be stupid of me to leave him to find someone who can take care of me financially when he takes care of me so well in every other way. I hate myself when I've thought of it. I always realize that I'm wrong to start to think that way.
Please G-d, please let me know why this jealousy rears it's ugly head when I am living the best that I can. Please bestow your blessings on me. Forgive me for anything I might have done to upset you. May you continue to love me. I wish I knew what to do to make my dreams come true. Please help me somehow.
Yours forever. Amen.