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Doorways and Keys

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  • #91
    Originally posted by Invidosa View Post
    I need help. It seems so wrong to me. I hope this is not the bigget mistake ever. I can't stop him, and I guess i really don't want to. I think he would resent me eventually. I know this is real, now, finally. I need support here. my natural pessimism is showing its ugly face. He says "i keep thinking that no matter what i will end up feeling how i used to" and it scares him. Well, I also keep thinking that no matter what i will end up feeling how i used to. Unwanted, unloved, lonely. he says "don't worry" he says "I can't imagine it with anyone but you" He says "I'm coming back you know" He says "we would have great kids" He says "I never knew it could be this way". I say, i hope so, i hope that we are not full of shit between the two of us. I say I love you, i say i wish i had better words. let me get through this with some grace and dignity intact. Mother and Father, please be with me now, show me the way, what action do i take, what action do i not take, where is the line between ethos and desperation? If i can manage to keep it together today and tomarrow i think i can hold on. I mean Raven made a good point, i've waited this long, whats a little longer? Just don't let it be too long ok?
    I'm a bloody prophet

    “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
    That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
    -snapdragon-

    Comment


    • #92
      how frickin dare you say that I am writing you off!! I'm writing you off?? You have got to be freaking kidding me? ugh

      “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
      That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
      -snapdragon-

      Comment


      • #93
        Well my love

        That was a sickening revelation

        I felt this knot, sick sick knot in my stomach; I flushed hot, then cold. I started shaking

        You sounded so ragged on the phone, like every word was torn from your body. And even though the words hurt me, I ended up feeling sympathy for you. I wonder what you were thinking? Why did you choose to reveal this to me now? Were you afraid of what I would say when you told me? Did you think I would hate you for this?

        I wonder if you worry about me walking out of your life. Does the idea make you nervous? Does it frighten you a little bit? I wonder.

        Does it make a difference?

        But I wonder. I hope this is a turn of some kind, for the better I hope. I don’t want to lose touch with you my love. I am patient. I cannot change what is.

        And I still love you
        And I will love you tomorrow.

        “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
        That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
        -snapdragon-

        Comment


        • #94
          owie owie owie owie

          Sweet Lord and Lady, deliver me. I need to see, eyebright, eyebright.

          all i see is lies and shadows
          all i see is darkness
          and darkness
          and darkness
          and betrayal
          where is the other side?
          where is the dawn?

          I need starshine and moonbeams
          no more echos of whispers lost
          no more halftrue untruths
          i did not blink

          every nuance is like something in the corner of my eye
          innuendo (no my sweet, not the good kind here, this is the wrong room for that kind of play)
          shhhhh,
          keeping secrets secret

          send me a starship
          and I will go back from whence I came

          Once I lived in a dark and locked room
          i was alone there
          it was quiet
          it was safe

          one day, there was a knock on the door, and I ventured out into the world.
          it was big
          and bright
          and scary

          but someone was there to guide my steps
          and hold my hand

          so i thought it was safe

          i was wrong

          i was bruised
          i was cut
          i was burned and bled
          and bled
          and bled.

          but eyes once opened cannot be sealed shut again, so I stayed, and locked my new door. now i had a house. it was large, with bright tall windows to let in the shadows and the light.

          for a while i slept
          for months i slept
          for years i slept
          and healed in a warm place

          Sometimes i let spirits in
          sometimes i let them out

          but it was my house, with many windows, and i locked my door against myself
          i was alone, mostly
          it was quiet
          it was safe

          and then one day, someone came knocking, but this time i was wary, so i whispered through the door

          little
          by little
          by little

          i was coaxed out

          and the world was still bright, and big and scary. But this time, the hand I held was that of a spirit that seemed so familiar, so resonant. the one who would help me learn to walk again.

          so i knew i was safe
          i knew it
          i knew it with my every cell
          in my DNA
          my blood knew it
          my bones knew it

          foolish stupid little me
          silly llittle me

          how could you think this little one?
          little flower?
          you thought you were safe?
          i could laugh
          i could cry!
          you naive thing
          stupid little thing, little mouse
          fool
          idiotic thing
          what a joke you are, what a pathetic joke


          and now,
          well now i am bruised again
          i am cut
          and i bleed
          and bleed
          and bleed

          is there anything but this? tell me, please there has to be more then this. Tell me sweet Mother and Father, is there a clearing at the end of this path? Do the clouds clear out? does spring exist? Why am I made this way? where is the blessing? I only see one side of the coin.

          always the scylla

          I guess I just want to be loved for free.
          and to know it's true

          tell me something true
          Last edited by Invidosa; October 14th, 2008, 07:55 PM.

          “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
          That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
          -snapdragon-

          Comment


          • #95
            I need some space in this space

            turn the page

            wipe the board clean

            give me room to breathe free

            clean cold air

            “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
            That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
            -snapdragon-

            Comment


            • #96
              Thank you my beloved Lord and Lady

              love,
              your kid

              “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
              That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
              -snapdragon-

              Comment


              • #97
                now what do I do?
                I don't mean to whine about feeling better,
                but. . . now what do I do?

                I'm not ready to have downtime
                not prepared

                who do I take care of now

                (i know, I know, listen to your own advice woman!! take care of yourself)

                ahhh, but so easier said than done.

                who takes care of me?

                (yes, I know what you're thinking!)
                but it would be nice if i could really really lean on someone
                if i did not have to put out all the fires

                if i could feel loved.
                I dont' think I really can you know. I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with me. where the error is my functionality. I think this might be it. I think my love receiver is broken, or defective in some way. not sure.

                what does love feel like? is there a definition here? what does love mean? how does it change your life? is it only that you *feel* better? that life is brighter? is there more to it? am i misssing something?

                I was a broken thing once.
                I slipped away
                and traveled amongst the stars
                I flew away
                I was imprisioned
                I escaped
                I was a broken thing
                somehow, don't ask me how
                i put the pieces back together
                but how can i know what i am missing in me
                if i am missing somehthing in me>

                “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                -snapdragon-

                Comment


                • #98
                  theres no such thing as safe

                  “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                  That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                  -snapdragon-

                  Comment


                  • #99
                    love me dammit!

                    Hello? is anybody there?

                    echos of secrets. I am made of secrets.

                    lost secrets, lost smiles, a whisper, a hand on my face

                    I want the whole heart

                    (bruised bleeding broken is ok, imperfect is perfect) the entireity. I want the whole thing, and why not? do i not deserve it? have i no claim in this life? do i have no say? where is my choice? who can give me their whole heart?

                    everyone takes
                    and takes and takes

                    are there any givers left in this world? anyone who is noble? and (spirits forbid!!) honest? and (hold on to your hats folks, cause this one's a long shot) anyone who is not completely utterly selfish? I mean, it has it's place, but really?

                    I want the whole body

                    I miss flesh, i want to be held close to someone. to hear another beating heart. to feel breath in my hair and warmth in my hands. I want skin and laughter. hold my hand. touch my cheek. i want kisses. i want teeth and tounge. i want shoulders to touch and arms to run my hands along. am i so undesirable? i have been told this is untrue. i have been told i am easy on the eye. i must admit, i am not a fair judge of these things.

                    I want spirit

                    i want connection with another human creature. i am wrapped in plastic.

                    wrapped in plastic

                    protected against the world, segregated from it.

                    I know there is blessings in friendships, but that is jsut not cutting it. i want more, i want deeper i want irreplacable.

                    my gods, i'm needy right now

                    ugh

                    i freaking hate that.

                    “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                    That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                    -snapdragon-

                    Comment


                    • ok

                      ok,

                      here, we'll make a deal ok? let it go. none of it matters right now right? vented is good. not the end of the world you know?

                      relax a little honey,
                      nothing to worry about .

                      “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                      That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                      -snapdragon-

                      Comment


                      • I hunger

                        I have an unceasing hunger

                        I starve

                        feed me
                        fill me up

                        I hunger

                        I covet so I starve,
                        but I am so hungry

                        fill me with heat
                        fill me with light.
                        fill me up

                        there is a hollowness
                        deep
                        deep inside of my body
                        inside of my heart

                        fill me up.

                        “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                        That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                        -snapdragon-

                        Comment


                        • flesh
                          skin
                          blood
                          teeth
                          bones
                          tounge
                          mouth
                          flesh
                          hot blooded
                          hot blooded
                          hot blooded

                          “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                          That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                          -snapdragon-

                          Comment


                          • this is what i have in me
                            there is floods and fire
                            there are tides and winds and hurricanes
                            they all live in me

                            i burn

                            “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                            That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                            -snapdragon-

                            Comment


                            • note to self: remember the sinfest

                              “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                              That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                              -snapdragon-

                              Comment


                              • beloved mother and father,

                                today i was reminded of awe.
                                it's all so beautiful and amazing
                                thank you

                                yesterday i was reminded of tenderness
                                warmth and kindness
                                thank you

                                “I think witches, of all people, are attuned to the weird.
                                That's how we get our rep, I suppose.”
                                -snapdragon-

                                Comment

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