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Doorways and Keys

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    So I think I finally figured out just exactly why I don't enjoy music as much as I used to, I think I finally know why I became addicted to NPR and 950 AM. I've been so emotional lately, thats what I get for going off of my meds for a few days! Any help with those things would be greatly appreciated.

    Cause they are pacing the hallways again for some reason
    I think it was neon zoo that was my undoing
    and it all seems so long ago
    i dont want it
    and i want it
    and i know that if i was that
    i would not want to be that
    its too exhausting
    and i'm already too tired

    help me find focus mother
    as always, my heart is yours
    si

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    Beloved Mother, keep your hand on the shoulder of my sister in spirit and her son, let their travels be safe and the journey swift and pleasant!!

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    Disorientation. . . .

    Last night I thought it was this morning, this morning I thought it was last night, the sky looked the same. . .

    Apparently I ate two eggs last night; I have no memory at all of this. I vaguely remember putting them on to boil, but otherwise only the remains of the meal let me know it ever existed, two brown egg shells and salt on a plate. . . .

    I keep feeling like I’m missing a ring, I keep feeling for a ring on my left hand and feeling slightly panicked when I realize that it’s not there (this started yesterday actually) so today I put a ring on that finger so that I can stop obsessing about it. . .

    I’m still not convinced today is today. . .

    Like I slipped into some alternate reality without even knowing it. . .

    I need to talk to another human being.

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    Sweet Mother, smile on my beloved traveler.

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    burn

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    not effin good enough i guess *sigh* well there goes that idea.

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    today i am a vessel that has been emptied and filled again with longing.

    the earthen jug, wine spilt

    you cannot read loss, only experience it.

    Sweet Mother, Bright Queen of Heavan, She Who Walks on Golden Feet, Brightest of Stars, Gate Passer, Bringer of the Dead. I call to you, I beg of you.

    clear my path

    I give fair warning to all living or dead who may stand in my road.

    clear my way

    lest you get caught up in the wind that is to come

    clear my path

    Beloved Lady Ishtar, I am your daughter, i cry on your breast, my heart is yours.

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    and so,

    now what?

    who do i become this time?

    Bright Queen of Heaven, I am your daughter and I beg you to walk with me now. Let me be as you and take joy in life, rather then wasting time mourning what no longer is.

    that day is done and gone, and now i live in tomorrow

    my heart is yours

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    you know sweetheart, i keep trying and trying and trying.

    it's like

    running in quicksand

    it's like

    climbing in ice

    but i keep trying cause

    theres got to be something

    after you

    Leave a comment:


  • Invidosa
    replied
    why can't i let it go? It. . . ok, lets just be honest. . . that person is in me like a frickin fish hook!!

    Lady Ishtar, I'm so huggin angry at myself for this!! I need to move past

    i will face my pain and let it fllow through me

    but it does not huggin flow

    it just remains and echos and echos and rattles round inside of me like a ghost in an empty house. never moving on, never easing. just moaning and crying to itself

    harrowing the hallways of my heart.

    this is so stupid

    i'm supposed to be bigger than this crap! stronger then this, wiser then this bolder and louder and hardier and above this sort of self indulgent self pity childish emotional tie down. i'm supposed to be freer then this.

    i want to fly

    Leave a comment:


  • Invidosa
    replied
    oh my little ghosties

    go to sleep
    go to sleep please

    quit poking around in the corners of my head and my heart, keep to your own shadows.

    oh little ghost, little ghost i have no space for you here, please please find another graveyard, this one is full.

    you're hurting me

    stop whispering little one, i built you a room

    why can't you stay in it?

    you have your own house, keep to your own hallways and closets please i beg you.

    i am stone now

    i am ice

    i am an inert thing

    non reactive metal

    ionization unaccepted

    stay quiet little ghost, we were doing so well.

    please little one, you can carry your torch,

    but do it in silence

    so we both still have a place to survive in

    Leave a comment:


  • Invidosa
    replied
    hey. . .

    heeeeyyy,

    hey, hey, hey

    pay attention to me!!!

    hey HEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!

    hi.

    pay attention to me!!!

    hey


    heyyyy

    hey




    hi.

    Leave a comment:


  • Invidosa
    replied
    lets check. . . .

    yup. . .

    looks like i still miss you

    hug

    this shit's starting to piss me off you know. not sposed to be doing this, this is not the plan.
    Last edited by Invidosa; March 10th, 2009, 05:59 PM.

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    dammit, i huggin NEED you right now!!


    i need you ok? can you hear me? Do you know that i need you?

    please.
    Last edited by Invidosa; March 10th, 2009, 06:00 PM. Reason: del

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  • Invidosa
    replied
    i've been dreaming about him recently, it always fillls me with . . . trepidation? nervousness? uneasiness?

    it scares me.

    that part of me is dead and over, she will not be allowed to exist.

    makes me feel like a little girl again.

    Leave a comment:

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