No announcement yet.


  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Matriarch

    I want to talk about what I just saw and did mother. I thank you for your lessons over the past month. I want to talk a little while about some things. I don't really have a train of thought right now but I suppose your used to that huh.

    There amongst the junkies, prostitutes, trauma nurses, businessmen and thieves I found a strange kind of compassion. Its still confuses me the amount of fellowship to be found amongst so strange and diverse a mixture of people all affected by the same sickness. I hestitate to call it a disease for my own reasons but the fact remains it effects a diverse cross section of human culture. This type of thing really knows no boundary and takes willingly from any unfortunate it can influence.

    In my mind I see it as a stain on my soul, brought about by willing indulgence in excess and the willingness to explore things I shouldn't have. My prize, this thing inside me that will destroy me and everything I love if left unchecked. There will never be a reprive from its whispers and it will never sease to try and regain the control I so willingly gave it in the past. That is my pennance. I somtimes feel this is to light a punishment for all the damage I have caused to the people around me.

    Mother, its a strange thing in the mind of an addict. How can those I damaged so readily forgive and wish me well? My mind is not wired in a way that I can understand their compassion. I shouldn't say can't, its more of a struggle. I catch fleeting glimpses of the humanity possesed by most. You show me these things and I try to cultivate them. Try to familiarize myself with them. I do so love the way it feels. Its just difficult thats all. I shut those things off over a decade ago. There are other emotions besides hate and anger and fear. I'm learnng them all, be patient mother I beg you.

    I hesitate to beg your trust. I know there is nothing I can say or do to prove myself. I'll have to earn that through action. I try every day, just to do the next right thing. I'll not make you any promises I know I can't keep, save this, I will try.

    Walking in the open emptied handed and with eyes level and straight is difficult for me. I know full well how easy things can be. I also know full well the cost of that path and the demands of the masters that govern that road.

    Your light hurts me mother. It burns my soul, I know it burns away the pain and anger and fear. All the things that I was convinced were my strengths.

    I am not the same as I was. I am not what I want to be. I don't know what I want to be. The identity left behind was never mine, not truly. A shadow of myself in truth the reality of my insane need to protect myself from everything. The world is not as dangerous or dark as I believed it to be. The infernal whispers convinced me of the hostility and dangerous nature of all things to keep me in my armor and behind my walls. There was never a battle, no boogeyman waiting to catch me off gaurd.

    This thing in me plays off my fears and whisers to me in my wn voice.

    I feel your strength in me mother. I feel you working the light back into my soul. At times it hurts and I want it to stop. Our relationship is embrionic at best but I feel your power. Its like nothing I've known before and I feel that there is so much more I'm not sensing. I feel the potential your energy brings to bare for me and I wonder sometimes why you would do this for me. This grattitue I feel is so foreign to me. I've said thank you before but I wonder now If I ever meant it. Is this what it means to walk with love and hope in your heart? Is this the peace brought on by surrender? Is this what my febble embattled mind viewed as loseing? The thought of surrendering to anything once made my very skin crawl. I viewed it as weakness.

    Will my hands ever be clean mother? You have forgiven me but I wonder if I can forgive myself for the things I did. I know they are over and done with but the weight of them still wears me down sometimes. Was it you, mother, that helped me stand straight and carry them further towards the ultimate end of letting go? I am close to letting those things go.

    I am tired and my mind wanders. We will speak again.

    Good night Mother.

  • #2
    They spoke of fellowship this evening. They told tales I've lived and an uneasy peace now fills me. I think I would like to see them again. Thank you for the opportunity.


    • #3
      I feel so lonely in this place. I know I should give it time to make sense, grant me patience. My peers in this have many years on me and I fear I fail to relate to them. I'm not speaking of experience but physical age. They are difficut for me to relate to mother. They are kind and mean well, but our interests are vastly different. I applaud their wisdom and take their stories to heart but a teacher is rarely a friend. Not in that way.

      Everything seems so far away.

      I've been reading the book of enoch as well as some gnostic texts and literature on orthodoxy, as well as christian mysticism. Its all very interesting and feels right but it does little to quell this need to be around people my own age. I know they are out there. I know I will find them.

      My old friends are nothing but supportive but, for lack of a better way to explain it, they just don't get it. Honestly, I'm glad they don't.

      All these feelings are so magnified that I wonder if they are truly as deep as I make them out to be. Without a numbing agent my feelings seem to run rough shod over my senses. I sit and think about these feelings and truly try and experience them, take them to heart and make them my own. I try to understand why I feel the way I feel. Its an odd thing coupling emotion with reason and something I have little experience with.

      Emotion is not misguided rational thought as I once believed. The two like everything must have balance. You showed me that mother and I am grateful for the lesson.

      I stumbled across a passage in a text that refered to the Holy Spirit as a feminine manifestation of the christian God. I have never heard of such a thing before, at this time in my life that makes a kind of sense. Is that who you are mother? Divinity or just an Aeon? Divine and Divine emenation...I have to wonder is there truly that much of a difference?

      These questions will all be answered in the fullness of time. I trust in that now. For the moment my only prayer is this:

      Grant me patience to stay the coarse
      Grant me sight that I may see the path before me
      Grant me wisdom to recognize my flaws

      We will speak again. Good night Mother.


      • #4
        No meetings today, figured I could use some quiet time. I definately needed some time to let things sink in. These leesons are multilayered. Its interesting...the speed at which these things unfold. Lessons from the web of wyrd seem to be applicable here or maybe its just that I got used to looking for patterns and possible outcomes. Is this a kind of foresight mother?


        • #5
          Today is my one month birthday. I went back up north to get my coin. Seemed only fitting I get it in the place I started all this.

          Stick night always seemse to have a wyrd way about it. The stick I pull is always applicable to me. This is the second time I drew jealousy from the cup. You tryin to tell me something mother? This message doesn't fall on deaf ears.

          No matter my justifications or rationalization I know this to be the root of most of my problems. I am a jealous person. I covet everything. Its rediculus really when I stop and think about all the things I do have. Its just never enough, is it. Not for me anyway. I have many things to be grateful for. Why then do I constantly want what other people have? When is enough enough for me? What void is it that I'm trying to fill?

          There is nothing else I have left to prove to myself. I wonder if maybe it is just old habits surfacing for one last great attempt at control. Trying to drag me back to that abyss of self pity. This thing inside me whispers in my own voice. Telling me that I should have things that others plays on my insecurities and wants. This thing truly knows no rules and is ruthless in its pursuit of me.

          Mother, I say this now. It is not my strength but yours that keeps this thing at bay. These things I covet will be mine if they are to be. You've brought me thirty days from hell when I couldn't manage a few weeks on my own. It doesn't pain me to admit I need you in my life. It doesn't pain me to admit I can't manage this on my own. Truth be told, I like the company. I don't feel so alone knowing you walk with me.

          I look forward to this night every week. The hour or so I spend on the way gives me time to reflect on the week and the things I've learned. The fellowship itself gives me a chance to compare my progress with others, and I learn something each time from the others. Its odd really. Theres no sense of competition I usually feel in other similar situations. They are my peers and allies in this. I can only hope I find a group here that I feel the same way about, if not I always have them and thats enough. The drive back I assimilate their wisdom with mine, embrionic as it may be. I can't think of a better way to spend an evening. These nights are the ones i feel most connected to you. The whole process has become my ritual of renewal. It feeds my soul and steels my will.

          I have another in the morning. I like it as well, gets me ready for the weekend. I suppose the two meetings are one in the same for me. The period of sleep in between Fridays and Saturdays meetings Is the most peacful sleep I've ever had. It may be a long ritual but thats what it has become for me. I feel reborn every week, cultivating this serenity.

          I feel it growing in me mother. I feel it taking over, this feeling of fills me with wonder. Each time I partake of this ritual it fills another peace of me. The thing inside me seems to feel this as well, and it is not pleased.

          I probably shouldn't make light of it but I enjoy the fact it is tormented now. Each time it is easier for me to ignore it my soul smiles a bit.

          I am remembering what it is to be me. I have you to thank for that mother. You've given me the most precious gift anyone can give. Hope.

          Envy is my vice, the one of the seven I battle.

          The coin reads "To thine own self be true", with your help mother I will be.

          We will speak again.

          Good night Mother and again, thank you.


          • #6
            I know it wasn't a smart thing to do, but I had to know mother. You understand that right? I wasn't testing you or anything like that. I had to know if I was serious about this. I believed I was, Its just...sitting and talking about avoiding temptation and trying to keep this thing inside me is all well and good. They are just words and ideals and none mean anything till put to the test. So, I had to test myself.

            It felt alot like returning tot eh scene of an accident. I thank you for your grace in realizing that I'm not missing out on anything. That place and those people are exactly where I left them doing exactly what they were doing. It was a real eye-opener and I'm glad I was DD this evening. I have to admit I found it amusing asking the bartebder for redbull and when she aked "and" I said ice. The look on her face was priceless.

            I was very full of myself on the way home. I thought "Wow, I am stronger than the addiction." Thats not true. We are stronger than it is. I couldn't have done that on my own.

            Like I said, I wasn't testing you mother. I was testing me. In more than a few ways I guess. You impress me for lack of a better term.

            That was the furnace and your grace kept the flames from me.

            32 days. This 32nd seems more of a milestone to me than 30.

            I had a strange thought watching my frined desperately try and order one last drink, I thought "Why? You aren't going to get any more drunk than you already'll just get sick." Which he did. Its strange for me because I remember being the same way. That was the moment I knew I had changed on the inside. That thought never would have crossed my mind a month ago. I would have been right there with him shoutin "Oi! Set us up one last time love!"

            Its real. This change I've been feeling. Its real. Its not my wishy-washy self delluded past mindset. This is real. I am changing and I'm not scared of what I'm becoming. Its all due in large part to you mother. I thank you for that.

            We will speak again.

            Good night Mother


            • #7
              I'm a bit confused this time. I've been doing what I was told to do, that much is true. I've been trying to assimilate what they are showing me but I grow tired of hearing the same things over and over mother.

              Is it my skeptical nature that keeps me from giving myself over to this? What is it that I am fearing? What is it that I sense in them that makes me leary?

              I don't want to stagnate the way they seem to have. This program is all these people have. It seems to have become the only thing in their life that keeps them going. I don't want that.

              Am I just being a spoiled child or is there another way? Is it ego that makes me think I can find that path? Is it fear? Is it this thing poisoning my thoughts?

              This can't be all there is. This can't be what I am supposed to do. I truly cherish this developing realtionship with you and I admit that were it not for them I wouldn't have come home to you but at the same time...I don't think I need them for this.

              Spirituality is not a group process. Its personal. The language of god is silence anything else is a bad translation. I don't feel I need to hear their stories, which never change, to remind of the hell I made it through with you helping....whether I knew it or not.

              I am of three minds about this. In the interim I will continue to go as promised in the hope that I find something in them I am not seeing. Patience I have asked for and patience has been granted, I thank you for that. I'm not making a snap decision this time. I will approach this thing with an open mind and a want for things to be different than I percieve them. I am reserving judgement on this matter for a later date, but you and I both know a judgement is coming. I trust in your grace to show me the way.

              I just have some concerns thats all. I enjoy our dialogues, I got your message the other day. I only wish I had more time to explore the things presented that day. I do think about those things, your message was heard and I thank you for it.

              I believe that to be the way you speak to me. Random encounters and chance keeps me on my toes. You certainly have a way of keeping this at the front of my mind, always when I least expect it. I appreciate that. Seems in the past I learned to speak a gods language. Its nice to meet one that speaks mine for a change. I mean that as a compliment.

              We will speak again.

              Good night Mother.


              • #8
                It will have to try harder than that. It just proves how desperate this thing inside me is getting. I've always had a soft spot for women. If I ever had a kryptonite thats it. Nothing has ever quelled the raging seas of emotion in Malcolm like the ladies...that much is true.

                I'm on to something different here though. This spirituality has to come first. My walks in the web of wyrd have shown me how to read things. The stones leave a lasting imprint on my way of seeing things. You reinforce all of these things mother. You accept that they too are in me and speak to me in a language of symbols I understand.

                I know that while our relationship may be strong enough to stay the course. I also understand that my will could easily be broken by this thing. I understand that if there is one thing that could undo all the progress we've made its this.

                Such a lovely and engaging distraction. Thats exactly what this thing inside me would turn her into. I'm not naive enough to believe that it wouldn't happen. This is temptation plain and simple.

                The next right thing to do is chalk this up to bad timing and walk away. I can't afford any distractions. Not now. Days gone by this would have eaten at me. She really is a vision in more ways than one.

                I need strength mother. I need understanding, and again patience. These things I ask. This is to important to loose.

                I've been to hell, I've no interest in going back. If I loose this now thats exactly where I'm heading. Its a shame really, just bad timing.

                Still I wonder, what If I'm wrong? What if this is fear? What if this what this thing wants me to do?

                Above all I need guidance mother. Which way is to free? I'll leave this in your hands. I'm not thinking clearly at the moment. I hate it when I can't figure things out on my own. Its a tough thing for me to admit, but you already know that.

                We will speak again.

                Good night Mother.


                • #9
                  This never gets any easier does it mother. I know what I just did is the right thing, but why do I feel so bad about it? I'd really hoped this wouldn't become an issue. I got your message though, and I'm sory I've been so lax in my writing. Its tough maintaining this and the other journal...wish I could find a way to combine the two.

                  I'm just not sure whats going on mother. I don't want to end up alone, but I fear thats the direction this is heading. It seems as days go by its getting harder and harder to be around everyone. Not only because of addiction but because of personality, mine. I'm having trouble relating to them.

                  Its so selfish mother, but I don't like being reminded of who I was. I know I'm not supposed to forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it...but I do. I just want to take a big eraser and get rid of those mis-spent years. It shames me. The memories of what I did and who I was. They shame me. I know I'll never be rid of that piece of me...but I'd like to take a break from remembering it. Thats all, just a little break. Its hard to move forward with these shackles of memory constantly eating at me.

                  Took the road up around where I came from last night. Down those dirt roads and small towns. Alot of the places I learned things I'd rather forget. I thought maybe it would do me some good, bring me some closer...but it didn't.

                  I just don't want to start all over AGAIN. Haven't I done that enough? Just a question, I'm not complaining. I'll do it if thats what needs be done.

                  Its different this time, that much is true. I have this faith now and a willingness to follow, but that little piece of me that kept me from you for so long still demands to know where we are going.

                  We will speak again

                  Good night mother


                  • #10
                    Crying "cherry-picking!" with one breath and "diversity!" with the next doesn't work either.~brymble
                    "Sometimes the Light at the End of the Tunnel is really a Cranky Dragon waiting to roast your ass!"

                    In Darkness I Know Myself

                    Close friends with: Yarrow Elfglow, Czechwoods, Rudas Starblaze, Stormbeard, Philosophia, The Woman Monster, Rick and Elise, Sacred Sin David19.....


                    • #11
                      I get it, I don't like it but I get it. It constantly needs reinforcing doesn't it. My spirituality and peace of mind is directly tied to them isn't it. Thats why this weekend was so shitty wasn't it. I broke the ritual, I didn't realize it had become that important. Its not a mistake I'll make again.

                      That was the old malcolm, the "I don't need anyone" idiot. Sneaky little bastard for all his blunt and crass mannerisms...I should know I created him. Little jerk.

                      I guess I'm just ready to say, I'm ready. Lets move on. Lets get this thing headed in the right direction. I can sit here and whine and bitch about not knowing or not being in control but the truth is, me wanting control right now is a cop out...I reviled in not having control over anything before so why now should it become an issue? Because its a f u c k i n g excuse thats why.

                      "I think I'm quite ready for another adventure". Lead on, I don't know these trails.

                      Good evening Mother

                      I will walk with you


                      • #12
                        I drew "Slips" tonight.

                        I sat there thinking "What? I haven't had any slips??" I figured I draw acceptance...seems thats what I've been having a problem with lately. In true malcolm fashion I figured I knew what was going on with me better than I really did. This is nothing unusuall I'm coming to find out, with your help of course.

                        I really was close to slipping sunday and monday, I realize that now. I need this ritual, its become an intergral part of my staying sober. I got asked to help chair a meeting, when I told the lady I didn;t have enough time in she said "You seem like you do." I'm not sure how to take that. I suppose its a compliment but I can't help but wonder why it seems that way to so many people I meet. Probably because I don't open up enough about whats going on in my head so they figure I must have this thing under control. You and I both know thats not true.

                        I fight this thing tooth and nail sometimes. I may not show it but I do. I've always been good at hiding whats bothering me. I don't like people to see my weakness...real or percieved. I thought I was doing so well too. I thought I WAS opening up. I guess when you've been closed off for so long and as well as I was the things that seem significant to you other people don't notice. Thats not a damning statement by any means. I don't resent the fact that no one is going "Oh, malcolm you've really opened up..." I mean honestly, how would they be able to tell? I'm just now starting to actually care about other people for no ulterior reasons. It makes sense that my defenses are still up and I don;t even realize it. Just cause I'm not hiding behind my walls doesn;t mean they aren't still there. I think maybe I'm just standing at the top looking out now. Still kinda shy of what might be out there.

                        I am in a damn fine mood now though. I might go so far as to call it jovial...but thats pushing it. Anyway, I need to get some sleep...6:30 comes early and I have another meeting in the a.m.

                        good night Mother

                        We will speak again


                        • #13
                          It really is kinda nice here.


                          • #14
                            I was having a rough go fo things for a bit there. I should've asked for some help, some guidance. I don't know why I have to continually press my luck. It seems everytime I get close to giving myself over to this I get this overwhelming feeling not to surrender, not to give up. I can only thank you for that Mother.

                            I don't do much for you. Do I. I like to claim credit when in truth I owe most of this to you. Days go by and I feel myself slipping back into that selfish person I was, not giving thanks and not acknowledging you. For that I am truly sorry.

                            I have this habit of compartmentalizing my life, a time and a place for everything. While this may be good for productivity in things like work it does little to foster any kind of spiritual living.

                            I have to admit I miss the pomp and circumstance of my old ways, the symbols and portents the omens and the divination. I miss the corrospondence and formula.

                            Yours is a simpler softer way. Its just to damn easy Mother. It can't be as simple as this. Or can it? I just have this feeling of "How did I miss you?" How, in my intensive studies, did I miss something as simple pure and beutiful as what you desperately try to show me? And why do I continually stick my fingers in my ears and go "Na na na na I'm not listening" like some spoiled child that thinks he has all the answers.

                            You have a way of humbling me. Humbling me in a way that I don't feel that I've lost.

                            So heres to sixty days.

                            :cheers: <---- thats cream soda, Jones style.


                            • #15
                              Still here. Still Sober. Still confused about everything.

                              How I long for some bloody excitement. Something to break up this even keal steady as she goes bullshit.

                              I miss chaos.