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  • #91
    I had that dream once. I remember now. The man standing cliff side above the waves. Sword tip piercing earth, bloodied hands folded atop the pommel. Ice blue eyes peering from beneath tangled wind swept locks the color of chaffe. He always looks as if he waits for something or someone. His is a face read dead pan. No emotion showing, visibly anyway. He exudes a calmness an un-earthly steady demeanor. The look of a wild thing ready to pounce or greet with open arms. Who is this man? My gut tells me he's an ancestor but what is he trying to tell or ask me. There are no signs in the dream of a battle. He doesn't look weary from the sword dance. He is completely spotless, rather well dressed actually, save his hands and tangled locks. The blade shines bright, not smeared with gore. The shield on his back doesn't look marred by spear or arrow. Course I've never really gotten a look at it either. Is he my watcher? I thought the were usually of the opposite sex.

    Heh, even in the realm of wyrd I can't get chicks. Thats just awesome.


    • #92
      I could use a nudge. What am I missing Heimdall? Is there something I am not seeing?


      • #93
        Gotcha. I think I see it now. I am taking it too seriously, maybe...I don't know. Ah, crap I'm just gonna break down and say it.

        I have no clue what to do now. No idea where I want to go from here. There are so many many paths all leading to free. Where do I start? I know I don't want to do what I had always done. I don't want to play a hero, I want to be one. I don't want to play life I want to have one. I don't want to see art. I want to create it. I don't want to see happiness...I want to grab it by the throat and devour it...take it into me and let it blend with what I am. I still see Freyr reflected in ever brilliant shade of green leaf and th muted brown hues of tree trunks, see his face in the tangle of vines feel his breath on the wind. He won;t let me forget I am alive now and I appreciate his, thats wrong, I love his pressence.

        The saxons called him Ing or Yngvi...Ing. I like that

        livING, dyING, fightING, lovING, ****ING, breathING, sleepING, wakING, killING, savING, liftING...ING. He is life, in all its forms. The spark that tells you that you are alive and that you are dying. Just as everything else.

        I'm glad they drop by from time to time. More over...I'm glad its not the same ones. I've always kind of 'attached' myself to one god in the past. I've tried not to do that for awhile now. I have to admit I do love their visits. Sure I have my favorites but they're all welcome and I do enjoy all of their company.

        I have to admit though. I think I've met them all save one. Odin. I wonder why that is. He does intimidat me that much is true and I've said it before. Is that why he hasn't come around yet? Because I am intimidated by him. I wonder if that makes me seem weak to him...and If I really mind honestly. I don't think poorly of him. Quite the opposite actually. I admire him and respect his prowess...I just don't really feel I can learn much from him. I know that runs conterpoint to everything known about him. I mean, shit, Odin knows all manner of things. Yet I have this pull toward the runes...the runes HE gave us.

        I just doesn't seem right to learn the Runes without forming some kind of relationship with him. I'd like to say that I won't take them up without his blessing but thats a lie. I will. Its not right to say to a god "I'll wait x amount of days, then..." because thats an ultimatum. You don't do that to a god. I suppose thats really all I can do, wait a bit and if nothing...then nothing. Take them up.

        I'm not much for games anymore, or tactical manuevering. I much prefer Thors straight forward mannerism. I love that guy. Thor is hard for me to explain but I do like him very much. Whats not to like actually.

        Njord, or as I sometimes refer to him, Papa Njord. I don't know why but when I think of him I smile. I'm always reminded of the two rings I've lost in Tablerock Lake. The first was a ring I wore for a long time I gave to an acquaintance. The lake took that ring from his finger while swimming. The second I wore. It was laso removed from finger while I got back on a boat. I literally watched it slowly slide from my finger into the water. I remember thinking, "Guess he liked that ring too." and got a very definate thought of "yep". I was strangely comfortable with it and still am. If the rings had been dear to me I don't think he would've claimed them. I liked them don;t get me wrong but they weren't "special" to me in any way. The second had waves around the band.

        I've only recently felt the pressence of Heimdall, whom I also admire very much. I think he is probably the most laid back of them all..but not in an unattentive way. Just very calm.

        So, what exactly was the point of this...I'm having trouble remembering now. Eh, probably wasn't that important. Maybe just kind of a "stock" of what I have right now.


        • #94
          What i just did was either very brave or very stupid. AA is a crutch, I have to see if I can stand without it. If not I'l go back. I have to know if I can do this on my own or that thought will always come to haunt me.

          Coward...I can't stand that thought. I can't stand not being tested. I HAVE to know. I'm sorry, its my nature. Its been a year...over a year actually. I'm more self aware now than I ever was before. I'm so much more connected now than I ever have been. The time is now.

          I'm not testing you. I'm testing me.


          • #95
            Well, I had fun anyway. Guess I might have hurt someones feelings. That kinda so many ways.


            • #96
              I guess you know a measure of yourself when your level of comfort is enough to set you on edge. I have to say I'm relatively pleased with the way things are working out lately. There are a few snags here and there but nothing so horrible as to make me feel I'm on the wrong path. Quite the opposite really.

              It just seems times like these are the times I get blind-sided. So, where is it going to come from this time??


              • #97
                Hello pretty, are you my next catastrophy? I'm not even sure that girl is real. What? Of course I'm smitten, why wouldn't I be...I'm stupid like that. Oh, I know...that guy with her was her boyfriend. She's probably too young anyway. Best I just try and forget.


                • #98
                  Thank you for dropping by last night. You're right of course. I enjoyed the time you spent here and our 'talk'.

                  I'll never be complete. I will always be in conflict with something. My life will never 'stabilize' and I'll never be done wandering. I have an appetitive nature. I'll never be satisfied with anything no matter how perfect it may seem. The most beutiful things will become ugly in time. Familiarity will lead to resentment and comfort will lead to listless nights and uncertain days. Which is fine.

                  I've been hungry so long, I don't think I would know any other way.

                  Farmatyr, how long did you wander? How many places did you see? Were you weary as I am? Are you really content now? Was the meade worth it?


                  • #99
                    I guess there comes a time when you become discontent describing yourself in past tense..."I used to..." Which begs the question, what am I now? For some reasons I feel different now. I don't really feel that I should be anything other than what I am. Thats a strange feeling for me. I always wondered if what I wanted would be enough...and I guess maybe it is for now. Thats the key. I have what I want right now, and the potential to get whatever else it is I decide I want.

                    I sat out trying to figure exactly what it is I want. Took stock of what I had and came to the conclusion that those wants were ghosts. Remnants of a past full of longing. Residual emotions not really tied to any real need. I've been thumbing through all these old songs I used to love and used to feed my emotional state...I couldn't listen to most of them for awhile without slipping back into that "Whats the point, poor me" mentality. Now I come away with something very different. Each and every one of them.


                    and this one, cause it played for nearly 24 hrs straight once....


                    So figuratively 'snuffing' the candles on this place. Its time to move on. I'll not post in this space again.