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  • #16
    In that case, I would try and precede everything with some sort of disclaimer, such as :

    "Attention everyone: this gathering today is for the purpose of [BLANK]. If anyone approaches you trying to do [BLANK] or tell you [BLANK], or generally bother you in any way that you feel is inappropriate, please come let me know (or tell them to find the ticket table and tell someone there, or tell the teacher in charge of the class, whoever is designated to help you organize / run / police, etc.)."

    You could put it on the Pride Day hand out, or make an announcement to each class, or whatever is easiest for you. That way, it's not directly insulting or singling out anyone in particular, and you've covered as much ground as you can without whacking people with the big stick directly (eg, telling SP that she can't attend any gatherings, etc.).
    ~NITEFALLE~
    Pagan Tart, High Priestess of the Soli-Tarty Path

    My heroes have always been cowboys, and they still are, it seems
    Always in search of, and one step in back of,
    Themselves and their slow-movin' dreams
    ~Willie Nelson~

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Vigdisdotter View Post
      Thank you everyone for your ideas and input. I suppose I should really explain more of where I’m coming from. I’m in the process of putting together a pagan organization for my area. Unfortunately, my area has a LOT of bad blood. So the mandate of the new organization is to provide a safe, sane place where bad mouthing of others will not be tolerated.

      So yes, I will be the organizer/facilitator of those and other events. Thus it will be my responsibility to make sure everyone behaves. What I’m having trouble with is that I don’t’ WANT to play the heavy. I don’t want to have to walk around with a big stick whacking the bad little boys and girls. Ideally, I want to brain storm how I help the individuals at events police themselves.

      I acknowledge that I will probably have to confront and talk to such people. I’ just looking for a non-threatening way to do that. By “non-threatening” I mean more to the other people gathered then anyone else.

      So far I’m not coming up with anything more tactful then cuffing people upside the head ^_^;;

      Good luck. You've bitten off quite a bit... as someone who has made that exact SAME bite... contact me off list and I'll give you some stuff to avoid.

      Elise
      *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

      Resident Beotch


      It seems some folks confuse "secrets" with Mysteries.
      The Mysteries aren't secret.
      They are there for whoever wishes to seek them out.
      There just aren't any shortcuts.

      That's the Secret.

      Don't ask Life to polish you into a jewel and then complain about all the rough treatment!

      If you're talking shit behind my back - then you're close enough to kiss my ass.


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      • #18
        Originally posted by Vigdisdotter View Post
        Thank you everyone for your ideas and input. I suppose I should really explain more of where I’m coming from. I’m in the process of putting together a pagan organization for my area. Unfortunately, my area has a LOT of bad blood. So the mandate of the new organization is to provide a safe, sane place where bad mouthing of others will not be tolerated.

        So yes, I will be the organizer/facilitator of those and other events. Thus it will be my responsibility to make sure everyone behaves. What I’m having trouble with is that I don’t’ WANT to play the heavy. I don’t want to have to walk around with a big stick whacking the bad little boys and girls. Ideally, I want to brain storm how I help the individuals at events police themselves.

        I acknowledge that I will probably have to confront and talk to such people. I’ just looking for a non-threatening way to do that. By “non-threatening” I mean more to the other people gathered then anyone else.

        So far I’m not coming up with anything more tactful then cuffing people upside the head ^_^;;
        I belong to a Pagan women's group in Oregon. The organization is run by a small committee of decision makers who decide by consenus. The group offers free (donations accepted) public rituals which are advertised on a yahoo list, word of mouth and through certain businesses. Some of the rituals are women only and some are open to men, women and children. Ya never know who might show up.

        This group also hosts a semi private women only Full Moon circle, plus other educational and volunteer events. I am a regular attendee of the full moon circle but I have found some challenges.... Pretty much when the circle opens to new women each year you never know who might show up. Sometimes women whom I am acquainted enough to know their energy and/or personality bothers me. So I had to make the decision to walk away from something really important to me or deal with my feelings towards these people *and* avoid bad mouthing them. I decided to rise to the challenge and stick with the Moon group. One woman I was able to better learn to understand and the other.... well she just never came back.

        One thing this group does is promote Mediation and they will use group funds to send committe members to a class about mediation and conflict resolution. If a problem between two group members arises (either a one time large issue or a persistent issue) they will suggest mediation to resolve it. And wow this can really out the behaviours and motivations of those involved. Folks on the sly will probably avoid entering a mediation type atomosphere and just disappear. Folks who just have issues (emotional, mental, social) may gain better understanding or be asked to make needed changes to continue to attend functions. It's in the right of the group to dismiss those who are truly disruptive or ill intended.

        Another tactic is to make the ettitquette for Circle or meeting known to all present. And be specific. We actually had to outline at one point that cell phones were not allowed in circle... to a mom and her teen who have been in the group for sometime. But they honestly lack a lot of common sense sometimes.

        Also specificly related to sacred space it's sometimes very helpful to set the tone by telling attendees that they are "in sacred space and to respect and regard everyone in circle as an extension of the sacred. To put aside the judgements, issues and personal differences of the mundane world". Like "namaste" when I am in my place that is one with god and you are in your place that is one with god, we are one. And it can be helpful to have "vibe watchers" in ritual - just friends who are good seeing when someone seems upset, confused, in over their heads or disruptive.

        As far as up to no good preditor types, feel free to spread the word as needed. Sticking with facts or your personal experiences are best. Completely bad mouthing or making drama will only look poorly on you. These types do tend to shot themselves in the foot in no time, but there will always be people who are attracted to them. Not everyone is on the same part of the path at the same time.

        Great thread and I love this forum..... what took us so long to create it? :cheers:



        Attached Mama to Brendan, born 11/18/03. Loving Wife to Dennis, handfasted 9/7/02.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Nitefalle View Post
          In that case, I would try and precede everything with some sort of disclaimer
          That is positively brilliant! Now I'm feeling supremely stupid for not having thought of it earlier ^_^;;

          I'm currently working on a pamphlet for the new group and I've just put a disclaimer on the back page. Thanks!
          The Sexy Heathen Babe

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          • #20
            I'm glad you like the forum Now if only I can get my life in order and do a better job as the guide ^_^;;

            Originally posted by Rhianna813 View Post
            Sticking with facts or your personal experiences are best. Completely bad mouthing or making drama will only look poorly on you.
            <NODNOD!>

            Exactly. I've decided that I'm going to make a big deal of mentioning to people the difference between Gossipping and Airing Problems.

            Otherwise i suspect that people will thing they would NEVER say anything remotely negative, which wouldn't be healthy in itself.
            The Sexy Heathen Babe

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            • #21
              Our group recently reformed after being suddenly abandoned by our leader. As the person with the most knowledge and experience I had to step up in order to keep the group from breaking up. Everyone agreed that they wanted to keep the group together and that I would be a good leader. We'll see about that.

              We also agreed that this would be a good time to open the group to a few new members, and a group of three contacted us. One of the women belonged to a group that went through a very bad destruction and then got burned trying to join a new group after that. So she is understandably cautious in checking out our group. But it is making her so prickly that no one is thrilled with the idea of having her around.

              I want to give her a fair shake before telling her that she's not welcome, but she's making it very hard. I really think she needs to take more time to get over what happened in the past so she doesn't put those negative expectation onto our group, but I don't quite know how to tell her that.

              I think this is a great idea for a forum, and the timing is really great for me as the new leader of an eclectic group.
              ____________
              If you make a customer happy, he'll tell 3 other people.
              If he's not happy, he'll tell 20 others.



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              • #22
                I'll be perfectly blunt on the first example.

                If this woman is part of your community. And others have noticed this issue too. And you have students or know of her students who can write a statement as to her actions and their experiences with her...

                It should be discussed by the community and addressed. Screw the "to each their own" turn a blind eye tripe promoted by many in the pagan community. Someone who is abusing (be it emotional or physical) and preying on newcomers and their students NEEDS to be addressed, removed and outed. Rather than the community simply following up behind her and picking up the pieces of her actions.

                To be quite frank. If I were a new comer who got involved with a community, which it sounds as though you are all part of... And they KNEW this teacher was trouble... And I got involved with the teacher and was placed into some sort of traumatic or emotionally distressing situation or trouble... And was never warned of the potential threat... And then found out the community KNEW...

                I'd not only lose trust in the teacher, but instead would end up developing distrust in the community as a whole.

                Why is it common to find predators like that? Because the Pagan communities are often afraid to do anything about them. Fearing they'll be marked as close minded, disrespectful, unenlightened or intolerant for being honest and addressing the issue. And its an issue that NEEDS to be addressed.

                As to the second issue... Is she taking any medication for being bi-polar. I have quite a few Bi-polar friends. Dated two guys that were. And in most cases... They REALLY need to take the medication or actively work on a way to try and control or cope with their swings... Which is possible. Sometimes, it takes someone to "smack" (not literally) them back to reasonable behavior. One ex was great one moment and actually violent and rather sadistic the next. Granted, regardless of what his shrink said, I think there was more to the issue than just being bipolar.

                For one friend, who is OUTRAGIOUSLY tempermental due to being bipolar. One minute laughing, the next throwing a tantrum and destroying things... I can get her to settle back down by verbally ripping through her tirade by raising my voice and reprimanding her. This isn't something that would work for everyone. But for her, its the only way to calm her back down, since she refuses to take her prescriptions. (Not because she doesn't like the effects, but rather she thinks she has a better excuse for her already ridiculous behavior if she isn't medicated.) She is an exceptionally high maintenance friend and our friendship takes A LOT of work and patience to maintain and work out. But its worth it!

                And obviously, thats not suited to the situation of the woman in your group. So talk to her more. Watch her behavior and mannerisms. At what point does she become problematic? What calms her? What keeps her attention and what subjects over-excite her? So on and so forth.

                A's swings, for example, are often triggered by anything that reminds her of an emotionally distressing situation, or by stress in general, or embaressment or discomfort. By identifying these, you can try to curb her behavior and energy a bit to help her make more benefit of the group and to help the group benefit from her. Because if its causing an issue for the group, its causing an issue for her as well. Even if not aware of it.
                Last edited by Rasari; January 28th, 2008, 05:39 PM.
                Walking Wolf's Road: A work in progress by D. Burch

                I'm ANTI-Peta! I will not support them, nor their associates.

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